My Name Is Fernand Yim: November 2009

E-mail Message From Alfie

Alfie sent me an e-mail message:

Nan,

You know what was making me so nervous and afraid and all that prior to meeting the doctor yesterday? It was the itchy idea which was irritating me so much that the doctor might need to see me naked, and worse he, or heavens forbid, or she might need to touch me there! Laughs! You know how much I don't like being touched by anyone other than those I personally know. I thought I was only scared of the process, or that examination, and I didn't care whatever the doctor would find out when the results finally came out. I was expecting for the worst scenario and it didn't scare me a bit. I was just wishing that it would get finished as quick as possible.

And so bad that what I was praying not to happen happened yesterday. The doctor was a female. I told her exactly the play conversation we had the other day. I told her that I was feeling okay all over. It was just that I peed bloods. When I mentioned bloods to her, she was just fine. She didn't react that much. It was like she was hearing the same confession everyday of her life. To some point, I was expecting her to say, "What? You are dying!" I know you are smiling when you are reading this and to tell you the truth, me too!

Then when she was walking to the door to lead me to the other room, I finally told her about the 'cyst' or whatever it is in there. And the scariest part of that day happened. i needed to pull down my pants! If you would see me doing that with my all-me attitude, you would roll laughing on the floor! Laughs!

She was even saying she was so accustomed to it. Believe me when I say that very moment I wanted to shout back to her to say, "And I'm not!" Laughs! But she was all nice so I didn't so that.

She said many things that I don't think I could write all here. Then she referred me to a urologist. They called the other hospital to confirm if there was th doctor. It was confirmed that I needed to go there right after I got the results of my urine and blood. True that they found blood in my urine. Not much as they confirmed to me. To cut it short, I might have issue with my kidney and the 'cyst' thing might be another story. Whatever.

Irritating part was that the doctor was on leave and coming back on Saturday! I am just hoping that all of this would get finished real soon!

Keep praying, bro. Thanks.

I'm not dying yet,
Alfie

Toting up Alfie’s Story: Conversations

Conversation 1

I am impressed to see Alfie happy today. He even was making jokes of his situation. He even imagined what might be the conversation with the doctor later today.

Alfie: First of all, I would like you to know I don’t feel pain any part of my body. I feel so okay.

Doctor: O-kay, so…why are you here?

Alfie: Yes, I feel okay but of course I might not be okay that is why I am here. Would you think I would be here for no reason at all?

Doctor: Of course not.

Alfie: Okay. Let me get into it. I have a question. Aside from urine and semen, is there something else, any other liquid that could come out of…our penises?

Doctor: Y-yes.

Alfie: I know you would say that. But could it be something…red and…thick…and I am not just talking here like drops of it but…you know what I mean?

Doctor: Like blood?

Alfie: How did you know that?

Doctor: (Thinking and confused) W-why, am I…guessing it right?

Alfie: Yes! Am I dying? How many more days left? Come on, tell me. I am dying, right? Go ahead and tell it right in front of my face. I am waiting! Say it! I am dying, right? Until when I would live? Tell me, please. (This part, I admit it is so O.A. but it was funny when he was monologuing it before me. I couldn’t help but laugh.)

Doctor: We can’t just jump into any conclusions without any further examination on that.

Conversation 2

Alfie: I think I don’t need to worry at all.

Me: Why?

Alfie: It might be just normal.

Me: Normal? Blood dripping out of your…tool?

Alfie: Correction, it was not simply dripping, it was flushing! Laughs!

Me: Flushing? I know it was a joke. It couldn’t be flushing or else…

Alfie: Or else what? You would think I am just making it up?

Me: No. I was about to say…can I say, yuck?

Alfie: Laughs!

Me: Why are you laughing? Is it that funny for you?

Alfie: I don’t know. But I don’t feel anything wrong about it.

Me: You mean it is just normal to flush bloods out of our…tool…once in our lifetime? Please don’t count me in.

Alfie: No. I was just thinking that my body might be doing a general cleaning.

Me: You know what, Alfie? You need to see your doctor.

Alfie: I know.

Reaction: Err.

Toting up Alfie’s Story: Bloods

When I was working in Chowking when I was in my third year in college, I discovered my passion and that is writing. I am writing mainly to express myself, to tell people how I feel. I got so addicted that it evolved into toting up the stories of people around me. And that is what I am about to write here. Toting up Alfie’s story. Not that I want to, but neither that I don’t want to. Am I making sense to you here at all?

When Alfie approached me this morning asking me if I still write, confusion easily registered on my face. Why is he asking at all for everybody knows I am writing? In fact, I am keeping couple of blogsites. And why is he asking? Before my questions piled up like the tower of Pisa, I heard myself replied a short yes. It seemed like he was happy to know the fact he already knew.

His next question intrigued me more. Would you like to write my life? First of all, I am not a professional writer yet. I admit I am an emotional type of person who thinks life is like a novel which every detail counts as part of a story. Yes, you can react on that the way you want it. But this Alfie guy is in another level of Dramachine, you know what I mean to say? Hopefully he is not reading it yet.

Anyway Alfie is his second name which is not popular on the floor which we both agreed on to use as his…screen name? Or something like that.

Let’s get on to the story.

Before he left the office yesterday, he went to the comfort room to pee and wash his face, too. As he entered the room, two other guys went in. But he got first to the farther cubicle from the door. The other one was out of order, I think that was what he said.

In the process of peeing (Again, he wanted me to keep a record of it if in any case he…dies. Later on, you’ll know what I mean.), instead of the clear yellowish liquid, it was blood which came out of his tool. Too much blood. It was not a urine with blood but blood which might have some urine. He was so shocked to see that. Well, if I were him, I might faint as well because I have phobia for too much blood.

Bloods spilled onto the floor as well which made him worried that the person behind him, waiting for him to get finished, might see it. He was still for a couple of short seconds, thinking of what to do. He reached for tissues from his left side without moving an inch to cover the spilled blood on the cubicle and on the floor. He flushed the toilet and he dropped tissues on the floor and stepped on them and tried to remove with his left foot the evidence of blood on the floor which he failed finishing.

He walked out the comfort room without looking back. He pressed the elevators down-button knowing that his face looked pale. He was wishing that no one from our team would see him that time. He didn’t have enough energy to entertain any questions. He just couldn’t and he knew it was so obvious that something not right with him that time.

While boarding a bus going home, whatever happened in the comfort room hadn’t sunk in yet into his system. To some point he doubted that it was blood he saw because he didn’t feel any pain when it happened. He was also thinking that his sense of touch might not be working properly. He didn’t know what to think at all. He was feeling confused and getting emotional. But at the same time, he was feeling blank and empty from the inside. He felt like a floating balloon.

Everyone around him seemed to have become figurines and not important. He began counting his days, questioning his value. But because he is a Christian he felt God is working in his life. He prayed and prayed. He thought of all the people he loves. Suddenly he felt wanting to see many people he has not seen for a long time.

He felt selfish to some point that he wanted everyone he loves to gather all together around him at the same time. It struck him that he was already thinking that he might be dying. How many days left? Two weeks? A month? He refused to cry because everyone will die, aside from the fact that it would be so embarrassing to be caught crying by the bus steward, right?

When he got home, he first looked for his Mama. It felt like he wanted to hug her and thank her for everything. But she was not home. So he went to his room and prayed. This what he prayed for:

“My LORD God, if I am dying and have two weeks left, I want to spend every
moment of it worshiping You. Be with me every moment of it.”

Then he slept peacefully.

Reaction: I think that is how any people would feel when they feel they are dying. I think the way he felt is normal. Although he might be wrong. It might be not that bad. He just needs to be strong and have himself checked-up by a medical professional. But I like it when his source of comfort is coming from God. I’ll pray for him.

A Week After Victory Weekend

The first week after my baptism was over. I thought it was a victorious week. My struggle with masturbation was still there but not in the same intensity before. I am proud to say that the last time I did it was like a month ago now. Some people might find it funny but for me it was something I am very proud of.

After the Victory Weekend I knew I had changed and I am no longer the old me. I felt so renewed and I am now feeling more secured that I worry less than I used to. The challenge of life is still visible but I know I have the courage and strength to win all the storms in my life. Come on, you can’t imagine what I had gone through all my life and I survived them all and you know what I realized which is very important? That I was never alone those trying times. I was with a huge God who never left my side because He was in me all the time. And I felt so thankful. I couldn’t thank Him enough for all the beautiful things He did in my life. He is awesome.

Honestly I feel so excited of what I could become after these new days. I knew something huge will happen to me, in my life. It is either before this year ends or early part of 2010. I feel so great about it even if now that I am so clueless of what it is.

Now what happened last week?

Working Five Days

My first day at work after Victory Weekend was scary. I didn’t know how I would react to all the people involved in my work including my callers. Everywhere I looked was a bunch of temptation.

My ultimate prayer recently is to be hired by Pastor Janssen or Pastor Mestizo (I didn’t know his name. I think he is related to a showbiz clan, though.) so that I would be working for a Christian bosses and I am also hoping that it would provide me a better work schedule so I would have more time to meet my Christian friends.

It is because I feel like a baby who is growing so rapidly in spirit and I feel it is healthier for a baby-growing me to be surrounded by Christian spirit. That is so important to me. I want to know God more. I want to grow more in spirit. I want the intimacy and intensity of my personal relationship with God to grow more in everyday. I trust the Lord that He will do this for me.

The five days of work ran so fast that I was happy when it was already Saturday. Since Monday I was wishing that in a blink of an eye it would be Sunday already. I never got so excited for Sunday like this before. I also needed to make sure that I was meeting all the demands and attending to all my relationships.

Happy Family

I am happy with my family. My deal with Papa is now comforting. I am happy to see Mama getting busy with her work with Tita Pelagia, the mother of my best friend Jeff. My only worry is that it might affect her spiritual life because Tita Pelagia has a different belief. But then I realized that God might want to use Mama as an instrument to bring Tita Pelagia and the whole Jarabelo family to the real Truth.

My sister Christina is doing fine and I always pray for her and for her family, and I miss her so much each day. Nicalyn is doing great with her last semester in University of the Philippines as she gets fulltime with her thesis. She is now back to attending Sunday service in Victory Christian Fellowship in Calamba.

Jojo is doing so well in school. Calvin, Alex, and Ronron are doing good as well in school. Not that I am bragging or what, but I feel so blessed to have such so talented, so gifted, so beautiful siblings. I feel so proud of them.

And of course, since I am talking of my family here, I need to mention my beautiful Psyche who is growing beautiful and, ehem, a little violent each day. She is screaming and screaming more as each day passes by, whether it is because she is happy or simply irritated. Laughs!

Gracia and I Watched ‘New Moon’

I always make sure that I make time for my wife Gracia, too. We don’t see each other that much so she is my priority whenever it is my rest day. I like it when we talk about our kids, our future together, and so many other stuffs.

The last time we were together, that was Saturday, we watched New Moon. Funny part was that because the movie was kind of a big hit in Calamba, left with no other choices, to secure we would have the comfort of real seats, (not those improvised seats on the side of the cinema, laughs!) we went into the cinema and thankfully we found two seats for us. Thing is, it was in the middle part of the movie. So what we did was that we tried our very best not to look into the screen until the next screening. It was difficult but all fun, too!

I like the following lines we shared:

In cinema.

Me to Gracia: That Bella has a vampire boyfriend and now a werewolf best friend. But you know what I think? Before I was born into this earth I was an angel. But because I saw you before you were born, I begged God to make me human and erase all my memories just to be the one for you.

Gracia laughed at that.

Reaction: What can you say about these lines? Cheesy! Laughs! But it was all coming from my loving heart.

On the jam-packed bus going to San Pablo City…

Gracia: I am sticky.

Me: Me, too. We are both sticky and it feels good to be sticky so that we could stick together forever!

Reaction: Cheesy Round Two!

The Bonding Time by Watching 2010 Did Not Materialize

Today we supposed to watch 2012 with my small group friends before we attend the 6PM service. The call time was 2PM. I got there minutes before 2PM. I didn’t see Bryan outside the cinema so I went to the Center to look for Dexter but he was not there. Then Bryan finally met me there. Turned out Bryan was sick. And no one was texting us. Just the two of us and so we couldn’t just buy tickets because we were not sure who would like to watch it or who could watch it. Then Ramon and Chris came around quarter before 3PM. Then Prince minutes after 3PM. To cut it short, we were not able to see the movie which was fine. Sigh, laughs!

I saw Bryan reading a book entitled Practical Discipleship by Bertram Lim. I went to the Victory Bookstore to buy a copy for myself. When I got the book with the same title, I noticed what I got was for Married Couples. What I wanted was the same copy Bryan was reading which is for young people. But there was no more other copy. The store lady said the two editions are the same. I couldn’t do anything about it but to take it anyway. Then when we were inside the center, Chris asked me why for Married Couples was the one I have. I simply told him that it might be a sign that I’ll be getting married soon. Prince laughed at that.

Then before we left, anyway because we were so early for the 6PM Sunday service, we decided to take the 4PM service instead. That would be the first time that Ramon and I would not be attending the 6PM service. But still, it was Pastor Janssen who preached the service. The sermon was about work. It was beautiful. (See Working Is Worshiping on Reporting Fernand Yim.)

Yes I was saying before we left, finally Dexter showed up. He talked about next Sunday will be our last Small Group. It is because December is the season break which means there is no small group for the whole month of December, which is okay.

Then Dexter talked to me about what he would be announcing next Sunday. We are supposed to have the bonding time again next Sunday. I wouldn’t say any detail of what he told me here yet. But it made me sad. Really sad that I didn’t know how to react and what to say. Later on you’ll know what I am talking about here. I wish he never told me yet. But I felt good to be trusted and I appreciate that so much. But I didn’t like the news. But whatever it is, yes, whatever it is that will make him happy, we are to support him all the way…even in distances.

Jose’s Birthday

On my way home I dropped by Jose’s house. It is his birthday on November 23. Surprisingly there were Maan, Mary Jane, Floriza, and later on Domina. We had good time eating the birthday foods. It was fun seeing them again even though Jose was a bit irritating and disappointing. Anyway I wouldn’t go for details why I felt that way to him. I walked home with Maan.

Quick facts. Maan gave birth to Ailus on September 20.

That is it for now.

Victory Weekend 2: The New Day

Again the next day, Dexter was so concerned about us being on time for the New Day, laughs! November 14 marked the birth of new Fernand Yim as I, along with other proud Christians, declared Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior publicly with Water Baptism. It was a great experience.

But before that, the day started with the Registration and Breakfast. Anyway we were all excited taking pictures as early as possible, laughs! It was so much fun. Meeting new people, not just ordinary people but Christians! Ramon and I had our Operation Picture with Pastor Janssen, laughs!

Here are the pictures:

Because it was an important event in my life, I wanted to keep as much memory as I could by taking pictures with everyone involved. I felt so proud that I want the whole world to know how wonderful it is to let Jesus drive the wheel of my life.

Many things happened. When I was asked how I could describe my experience in Victory Weekend, I usually give people a blank reply because I don’t know what to say. As a writer by passion, I was running out of words. What I tell people is that they need to experience it so that they will know the victorious experience of being with the LORD themselves.

Victory Weekend taught me many things about my faith. There were many things I thought were fine before but after Victory Weekend, I feel now more secured with my faith. I always remember that we are saved by the grace of the LORD when Jesus offered His life on the cross once and for all. It is a beautiful gift that we need to claim or else, it is your option to live a dying life. Good deeds wouldn’t save any person on earth. There is only one way, the life, and the truth and that is Jesus Christ. That is it.

We do good things not because we want to be saved but because the love we have for the LORD is overflowing that we want to share the goodness of the LORD to all the people around us. Also, the moment we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we should live the life He wants us to live. From that moment on, we represent Jesus in everything we do. So it comes with responsibility.

I am not perfect. No one is perfect. And the LORD God understands that so much that we are given the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Devotion to prayers and reading the Word is powerful enough to keep us on the right track. Praise and Worship and spending more time with fellow Christians are much helpful as well.

My only prayer to the LORD is to make me desire Him more every moment of my life.

I just feel so blessed.

Thank You, Jesus.
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Swarming with happiness, I went to meet Gracia in San Pablo City to celebrate the rest of the day with her. She was as happy as I was. We talked about many things. We talked about our children especially Graciella.

It was a long day that I wished it wouldn’t end, that it would stay like that forever. But I need to go on with life and grow up spiritually and do the fishing. But if I would be asked what I want to do, I want to be a worshipper of the LORD. That is what I want to do for the rest of my life along with my family with Gracia.

I am also praying that any of our Pastors would notice me that they would hire me in their business since I graduated with a degree in Entrepreneurial Management. I believe it is about time for me to apply what I learned in college to my new job. And the beautiful part of it is that I will be working with Christian bosses and hopefully a better schedule so that I could always attend every Sunday. How I would love that! And that is what I am praying for every prayer. Amen to that.

Victory Weekend Day 1: The Big Day

It was Friday the Thirteenth. Many say it is a bad day. But it is not with the LORD. God had chosen that day to free many souls from slavery of sins and to welcome them into His ever-loving arms. That Friday the Thirteenth was a beautiful day. I am afraid I would fall short to put everything in details here to describe the amazing things that took place that day. But here I am with my writing soul, trying my very best.

Prior to that day, Dexter was, should I say over-excited about the Big Day. Laughs! He kept reminding us that we shouldn’t be late. That if possible, it was either we stay in someone else’s house in Alabang to sleepover, or be there in the Center at least an hour before the 8:30AM Registration.

Well, I couldn’t blame Dexter for everyone was excited. I myself was so excited! I was trying to assess my emotions as I was already thinking how I would write it after the Victory Weekend. However, it was all mixed up. I could not place my emotions. I was very happy about it. There was no doubt to that. But aside from the happiness I was feeling that time, I was also feeling tensed, worried, and restless.

Again, let me go back days before the Big Day. When I was fasting for the very first time, I was experiencing unusual things. I was remembering many things like someone was speaking inside my head. In fact, I was remembering many sins which I had forgotten many years ago along with all the people who were associated with it. I was like asking why I was remembering them. Guilt was washing over me again. My spirit was like flying back to the past as far as it could, revisiting all the events in my life. I was worried about those sins which because of the gravity of these transgressions, it was hurting me just remembering them. I was thinking, am I going to say it in the retreat out loud so that it would be forgiven? I was telling to the LORD that I might need more strength to do that. Actually I didn’t think I could do that. I know God wanted me to be humble before Him and submit my whole self into it. I was so afraid that I would be needing to say it out loud right there.

Truth was that I didn’t want to do that. But it was so important that all I prayed for was that for God to take over me. That whatever the will of the LORD, be it.

On the Orientation Night after the Prayer Meeting in the Center before the Big Day, Pastor Carlo was giving a brief discussion about it. I thought I was the only one experiencing it. Truth was, it was the Holy Spirit at work in our lives. The purpose why we needed to remember all the things we did in the past, all the people who hurt us in the past, and all the people we hurt in the past was very clear. In order to forgive and to be forgiven, we had to identify them all.

It is because without identifying the people you had hurt before, how could you ask for forgiveness from God then? If you could not remember the people who had hurt you before, how could you forgive them? If you would not be able to identify the sins you did before, how could you ask to be forgiven for those sins? So first step is to identify them then accept the fact that they did happen and repent. I was amazed that it was all happening. Truly the LORD is alive and was with us all the way for the Victory Weekend.

OK, I apologize for a long intro, laughs, now let me tell here my wonderful experience on the Big Day.

The morning of that Friday, I kept waking up at the wrong hour. I woke up at 1AM, afraid I would wake up late. I woke up at 3AM, 4:30AM, and finally at 5AM. I knew I needed to get ready as quick as I could, but you know what? I had still time to do Facebook, laughs! Anyway I was not late. In fact, I was there an hour before the Registration.

There was a small breakfast while the Registration was going on. We were given our sticker nameplates. I was excited to see my name, wow, what a beautiful name! Laughs! I met Ate Awi. She was Ramon’s teacher in high school ten years ago. It was amazing, right? Ate Awi is still young. She was very nice and so talkative. Laughs! She is a teacher by profession. In fact, she has been awarded as the Best Teacher in the Philippines for 2009! A big wow to that.

After the breakfast, the day was officially started with Praise and Worship. For in everything we do for the LORD, we should begin in praising and worshipping Him. It opens our heart to Him. The songs were all beautiful. After that, all the women went to the other room and we men went to the Children’s Ministry. The retreat, or should I say the Opening of the Heart, had finally started as we stepped into the room.

There were like ten chapters we discussed and every chapter was so intimate that it was like every Pastor who stood in the front floor was reaching deep into our hearts. The most beautiful and amazing part there was the Chapter Three which was entitled, The Cross.

Aside from the fact that Pastor Sonny discussed the chapter with supported scientific details, it was still all biblical. I was on my seat, trying my very best to control my emotions. Every fact that was revealed to us was hurting me as a Christian. I kept on biting my lips real hard just to not burst into tears. No way that I would cry with all these men in the same room! But the Holy Spirit was so vivid in feeling in the room that it was flying around and touching every heart in that room. My lips felt hurt that I was afraid that it might bleed as I kept on biting them.

All along since I was a kid growing in a very Christian family and clan, I was so familiar with what Jesus did and all the stories about Him in the Bible. I had even watched the Passion of Christ long before. But in that room that day I felt so ignorant, so stupid that I didn’t know it all by heart. It was like I was learning all these for the very first time. The gravity of pain in my soul was getting deeper and deeper that at the last part of it, I trembled and cried like a baby! The power of the Holy Spirit was so overwhelming that I was not able to stand any longer that I needed to sit down or I would fall into the floor as we prayed in unison surrendering all to Jesus. Older men were even as emotional as I was. That very moment, machismo was a foreign word. Suddenly nothing mattered but each personal relationship every one of us had with the LORD. Everyone cried, asking for forgiveness all out loud. It was all amazing! In fact, as I write it down here, I was feeling Goosebumps. Personally I could die that very moment submitting all myself to God. I wanted to die doing that.

After that prayer we had to watch a video excerpt from Passion of Christ. It was the scene when Jesus was suffering as He carried the cross. Jesus is greatly amazing. There is a power as I am writing it here for I am nearly in tears again as my fingers dance over the computer’s keyboard.

When the excerpted video was being played, I was not able to keep my eyes on the screen but surrendered myself again in tears for I felt so greatly loved by an amazing God and it was the most beautiful feeling I ever felt in my whole life!

Another favorite of mine on the Big Day was the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. No word in any language could define the amazing thing happened as we got baptized in Spirit. One more favorite of mine was the Creed we read all based in the Bible. My favorite lines are the following:

I am holy.

I am righteous.

I am chosen.

I am COMPLETE.

As a love child who was conceived out of the wedlock, who did not have a father on his birth certificate, who was rejected even before he was born, these words had big impact to me. I believe therefore I am complete in Jesus Christ.

The Big Day ended with a One on One with our Spiritual Leader. I was with Dexter. I confessed the remaining things I had not yet told him. I was feeling a bit awkward telling it all to him but I was so determined to give it all. I was doing this for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Then he looked me in the eyes and freed my soul, my spirit, by the power of Jesus Christ and Holy Spirit through casting out bad spirits from my body. The tension was in my fingertips and eyes and ears. It was another experience that I would not be able to describe. But it was all beautiful.

As I went home, I was all exhausted. I felt like every detail of me was renewed and I felt a rush that I wanted to have all the people I know to experience it themselves. And I believe in God’s time, it will happen.

Jesus, thank you.

Fasting

Tuesday started the Fasting Period. And because it is my first time and I still have two more shifts to go, I had to take it little by little. I didn’t have lunch at work. When I was already on the bus on my way home, I could not help but buy peanuts. At home I ate a light meal. I skipped lunch for I was sleeping anyway. Then I had my dinner at work at 10PM. Then at 4AM which was my lunch at work, I had biscuits and coffee. When I was on the bus again on my way home, I felt my stomach aching a bit. I had the Marty’s Cracklin’ Plain Salted. At home I had Magic Flakes and a mug of Milo. It is not that easy but I feel good doing all this. I am excited for the Victory Weekend.

P.S. Trish told me she wants to meet Gracia musingly. It is like everyone wants to meet Gracia. Smiles.

Blessed Fernand Yim

Yesterday was a blessed Sunday. It was my first day in Kids Ministry. Joanne welcomed me with a happy smile. And you know what was my first role in there? The Guard. Laughs! I was in charge in opening and closing the door. Kids are not allowed to go out without being accompanied by a teacher.

It was fun. It was a wonderful experience. It was so crazy there that many times the kids lost their control and they would just scream at the top of their lungs all together for no reason at all. There was a kid there who was shy at first that I needed to make sure that he would feel welcomed who eventually turned out as a wild kid, laughs! His name is Ephraim.

There was also another kid whose name is Kezziah. She was sitting alone and was not joining the other kids. I asked her some questions which I thought was part of being the Guard/Teacher there. I asked her if she has a sister. She happily said she has two older sisters. I asked her if she has a brother. She proudly said she has one. I asked her how many siblings she has. She answered me with her all-innocent smile saying she has two siblings. That confused me but then I simply laughed at that.

At the end of it, all the kids should sit in two lines, separating the boys and the girls, as we waited for their names to be called which means that their guardian was there already to pick them up.

At first, everything seemed to be under control. Everyone seemed to be listening. Then one of the kids who was Paul, I think, shot me with his imaginary gun. I pretended I was hurt and that started another commotion. It was like the boys wanted to play guns and wrestling all together with me. I was feeling my face reddened in awkwardness of the situation. But because I was trying to be friendly to all of them, ehem, I played along with them. Laughs! And they were so happy playing with me and each other. I was thinking, violent kids! Laughs!

One of the kids said he was The Flash. After a minute he was now then Bumblebee. It was so funny. And because he was so active that I was no match with his juvenility, I asked him to recharge by sitting still on the floor as he waited for his mother but what I told him was that he needed to recharge so that he would have enough strength to rescue the princess. I could not believe that I needed to play along in their imagination. Problem was that after a minute he approached me again to tell me, “Teacher, Teacher, I am recharged now.” Arg, that was so fast! And that started another round of running and wrestling. Laughs!

They danced in many Christian songs under the disco balls. It was fun. It was like a children party/pre-school class. They also had couple of art projects. They had also recess. All in all, it was a fun experience.

The Small Group with Dexter, Marvin, Ramon, Cris, and two other new guys was fine. There was last minute problem with the registration of Ramon and Cris in Victory Weekend. It was because there were no more available books which are important in Victory Weekend. Good thing that Dexter was able to find a way.

The sermon was amazing, too. But the Praise and Worship was more than just amazing. I felt so blessed and so ready for the challenges of this week. And I am so excited with the Victory weekend this week. I’ll be starting to do fasting starting tomorrow.

Happy blessings!

P.S. I just want to say that I felt blessed just talking to Prince. He is a true Christian.

Heartaches Make Us Stronger

Yesterday I heard that Elve Jane went on AWOL for the Thursday shift which worried me. I thought she was upset with all the changes going on that she finally decided to leave Sykes for good. But then, it was not. It was something else which I don’t think I have the right to discuss here because it is about her personal life.

Anyway after shift we went in California Square (Or is it California Garden? Ah, I don’t know.) in Alex’s condo in Mandaluyong. They were saying there was a very important meeting we should talk about. My reason why I went along with them was to support Elve Jane in whatever she is going through now. I was planning to be with them until an hour after lunch.

Well, Daphny cooked the lunch for like, err, a couple of hours! Laughs! I was worrying about Joann, the Kids Ministry Leader, who texted me about the preparation for Sunday. I was trying to be a supportive friend as much as I could to all and, well, I did not much have time and I only had one body that as much as I wanted to attend to all the demands, I can’t just do that. In other words, I needed to stay a bit longer in California Square.

Elve Jane and I had a talk about what’s going on. I listened to her and tried to be as fair as I could with the whole situation. She and the other person had points. In fact I could relate to the other person. I am a person who is not so expressive when it comes to emotional confrontation. As much I want to explain, I just can’t. The feeling is that as I try to explain, I tend to commit more mistakes by saying the wrong words. And I am hoping that, somehow, I was able to help. In every advice I gave her, I was always quoting Gracia’s words which I felt proud that the mother of my children has that amazing wisdom. I am thankful that the LORD has given me more than just a gift but a blessing in a form of a so wonderful wife.

About the talk Elve Jane and I had, I was telling her to believe the other person. I met that person already which even if I don’t know much that person and I have only met that person once or twice, I could feel that person is a good person. I am so sorry if I am using a lot of ‘person’ here because I don’t want to use the exact pronoun as for the privacy of that person.

They are so many people who are now getting involved in the situation. Everyone was telling different things. I told Elve Jane that she should not decide abruptly just because she is feeling pain right now. I told her that as we humans live on this planet, we are entitled to our emotions. But her emotional self should not take over her logic. I even presented her a puzzle from a professor back in college which is about dots that you need to connect using only straight lines. It is not easy to tell everything here about the puzzle but funny part was that I could not remember the exact puzzle myself. When I asked Elve Jane to solve the challenge, surprisingly she made it! Laughs! I was like oh-oh, you got it. It was not supposedly to be like that, laughs! Then, embarrassed I was, I explained what supposedly should happen. I told her that the dots representing her emotions and the whole space in the paper was representing the whole picture of the situation. And because we always focus on our emotions we tend to miss the other important details which lead us to wrong decisions. Well, my intention was pure and although it was a bit awkward that I failed the presentation, what important was that she understood what I was trying to tell her.

I like the following lines I told her which were inspired by Gracia.

“Don’t stay in a relationship just because other people have told you to do so. Stay because you love the other person.”

“Don’t let the other people dictate your future. Concentrate and believe what the other person was telling you.”

“Don’t let your emotional self take over you logic.”

“Believe him.”

Anyway here are my quick fun reportings:

1. Remember the P.I.P. list I was part of? Quick review: When I came back from my one-week vacation, I was told I was in the list and my October performance should be impressive enough to un-list me or else, it could be a threat of untimely separation from Sykes. Ms. Agatha just told me I was un-listed! Yahoo!

2. I was upset the whole week because I was assigned to play the role of Manny Pacquiao on yesterday’s Be the Famous One or something like that. It was Mine’s fault. Laughs! She was chosen to play Aling Dionicia and so unluckily I was picked to complete the Pacquiao family. Anyway we won.

What else? Hmm, that’s it for now.

Help Me But I feel Like I Am Not Liking This

This is written on Thursday

Okay, the changes have begun and there is nothing I can do, or we can do, about it but blend with it. Besides Poppie is really nice and I think everyone is liking him now. For the record he is now my third team manager in Sykes which is fine. Thing is, I am feeling a bit of impatience with the pace of my life on the floor. I feel like many times I am moody that I feel so out of shape. Still looking for my shoes, you know what I mean. I am trying to fit in but I don’t know. It seems like my shoes are now missing. I just can’t fit in. Many times I got easily offended by my own friends on the floor. And you know what, I don’t do now confrontation. It is not good and it always makes me lose my control and you know what happens when I lose my control―I lose the job. That’s what I am avoiding. Especially for my babies―Zephaniah and Graciella.

Today, Thursday’s shift, I did not have a sale. And the pressure is like a silent monster that is trying to catch my feet under my station and drag me to the darkest pit of…the Burgundy? Laughs! Anyway I am taking my calls now a bit different than what I used to do before during The Spurs. I am more conservative and careful.

Ms. Shee dropped by and yes, I miss her. I know she misses us as well. OK, enough of the Dramachine. Laughs! Lohan and Karla are now taking calls on the same floor, the 9th floor. Before Lohan left the office she dropped by my station and because it was my PEP, I chatted with her for like thirty minutes. It was fun talking to her again. We were planning to have a get-together in December. We would be filing VLs so that we could have it done. I have a feeling when the New Year kicks in, everything will be so different.

And before I miss it I met Dexter, my Spiritual Coach in Victory Center last Wednesday to discuss about my, cough, personal life. I really appreciated what he is doing to me. I feel so blessed that the LORD is using many people to lead me to His door. Next week is my Victory Weekend. I am now so excited about it.

And I miss Elve Jane. I miss Trish.

I miss eightmiles.

I miss Chris and Andrei.

I miss Gracia.

I miss…me.

Embracing Changes

This was written on Wednesday

I just arrived home and it was raining cats and dogs. I thought I would be finding again our village under the water. Thankfully it was not. Funny part of my trip going home this morning was that I was seated next to the two college guys. One of them was telling his heartaches while the other one was giving him the good-friend comfort. It was funny that as much as I did not want to listen, (Hey, I could close my eyes but could not cover my ears that tight to not hear their mushy conversation!) I kept hearing the oh-but-she-is-my-life, I-don’t-know-how-to-live-without-her, and I-rather-die-now. A big arg for that! Laughs!

Anyway the previous shift marked our second day of the new team. My idea before Ms. Shee was transferred to the Terms Queue was that we would have a new team manager and few new team mates which means that they were the ones being transferred to our team, The Spurs. However, when I got to work last Monday, our team was now called the Pacers, which was the disbanded team of our new team manager and new team mates.

At first, I felt bad. I thought I was not that ready yet to embrace all the changes. I might need more time. I believe Poppie, our new Team Manager, and my new team mates are feeling the same. The transition to the new team should take time or else, it would be chaos on the floor.
I am still programmed to hear the voice of Ms. Shee because there are many times that Poppie was talking to me without me realizing that because I was used to the voice of Ms. Shee, I was not paying attention until I would realize that he was talking to me.

Poppie is nice. In fact, he is very nice that many of us, The Spurs, feel uncomfortable with his congeniality. Well, that excludes Alex. He still does what he wants to do on the floor whether we have a new team manager or not. All in all, sadness is so obvious on the floor. No one can deny it. And there, it would still take time to embrace all the changes.

We miss Ms. Shee as well as Elve Jane and Trish. Same way as Poppies’ other agents who were transferred to the other team miss him. Everyone is missing everyone. But we will do fine. Day after day.

P.S. Christina called us last night before I went to work. She was so nice and sweet. We are missing her so much.

Coming Back

Sigh. Yes, I want to sigh. It is a sigh of expressing myself like saying, "I learned a lot from this past week!" I feel bad that I hurt one of the most important persons in my life, my sister Christina. It was funny that now we are communicating through my blogs. And I want to say sorry for all the words I already had written which offended or hurt her. That was not my purpose. I just needed a space, a way of expressing it out whatever it was that was clogging my breathing system from living a life the way I should be living it. I love you, Chris.

I know and I had accepted it long time ago that I could not even remember the exact date or year when I accepted the fact that nothing in this world is permanent. That life is full of changes. Life is about changing. But taking it all in just a matter of hardly two weeks, oh come on, I need some space to breathe! Laughs!

It is November 1st in the Philippines. Time about going to cemetery, visiting the dead, having reunions, celebrating horror stories in whatever manners, etc. The word here is death which I realized that if you would scramble the letters in the word death, you could get another word which is hated. Making me realize that death is so negative a word. I just attended the 6PM service in Victory Alabang where Pastor Janssen preached about death. According to him, it is about separation. What a perfect timing to think that we just bade goodbye officially today from the original Spurs. I had to say goodbye to Elve Jane, Trish, and Ms. Shee.

Now let us move on to something beautiful. Gracia and I were together in San Pablo City when, without us knowing, the storm (Or is it typhoon? Is there difference?)...err, can't remember the name! Laughs! It was so beautiful and just simple as feeling the rain against my skin, I know I am in love. So much. Well, I want to share the picture of my son here, I love you Zephaniah.