Am Okay Now

Thanks to my friend Dexter. I know he prayed for me and it worked. I feel calmer now. There is no more drama but a big challenge. Like what I told Dex, I have a big God and for sure everything will end so well. Now that I am calmed, I am thinking of what is next in line. Planning is part of it. I think I need to see my sister Christina this week on my next rest day. Financial challenge is nothing but like a pizza, err. OK, I might not be explaining it the right way. What I am trying to say here is that I want to take back all the things―bad things―I mentioned on my previous entry. I am so sorry that I had said them. I was not in position to say them at all in the first place.

I think it was my fault that I kept everything inside me and counted on how I felt. I was thankful to God for this situation I am now in. It is teaching me to be humble and to rely a lot on Him as my one and only powerful God. Jesus, I am so sorry. I love Papa, even if he is not my biological father. I think what I am not liking here is that he is not the father I used to know. He used to be strong-willed. I used to look up on him. He was my superhero. I was never afraid, didn’t worry whenever he was around. Now it feels so different. It feels like he is not the same father I used to know. Perhaps it really does come with age. And I need to understand that.

Yes he is not perfect. But he is the best father I have and I would not choose anyone else to be my father but him.

Now I am sorry and let me start again. Anyway I have a big God. And friends. I am so blessed.

Is Crying

OK, it is still me―Fernand Yim. These past days I went through a series of transformation―that’s what I think. Well, I am thinking that because of so many changes going on in everything, I had a mechanical error. I can’t think of the right terms. I know I am not a machine. I am so aware of that. But it feels like that. I had an over-haul, which is if I am a vehicle. Well, let me give up on the explaining part.

I still have my best actor legal father. I cannot place my emotions when it comes to dealing with him and his situation. Believe me when I say that I tried everything I could to convince my self that he is sick which would explain his irritating―so irritating―attitude. He is now giving up on becoming a father to us which is very disappointing and so irritating.

The feeling is like he wants to put me on chains! Here I am again, with my emo self. I am so sorry. You see, I have my writing as an outlet as well. But don’t worry I can still manage. In fact, this morning, Mama, Nicalyn, and I were laughing our hearts out while pointing out our opinions to him. I don’t know what’s with him―my father. To think that whatever we are in right now is all his fault. Not that I am blaming him or whatever. My point is, he can’t just simply give up because he doesn’t like the outcome of his mistakes. For crying out loud, he is now fifty and he should be starting to act one!

OK, I think whatever personal plans I have, I need to set it aside and take over in our family. I am planning a family meeting anytime this week when everyone is present except him. I think when someone says that you cannot teach an old dog with new tricks, my father would need more than that. I am not saying I am starting to hate him but he is stealing everything from me. OK, I am the love child here and he came along to what? To my rescue and gave me the name I never wanted at all? I didn’t ask for it for crying out loud! I NEVER ASKED FOR IT! SO DON’T MAKE ME FEEL THAT I OWE YOU ALL MY LIFE! YOUR FAULT IS YOUR FAULT AND WE SHOULD NOT SUFFER ALL THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR FAULT! AND TO YOU MR. YIM, YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE A FATHER TO ME AT ALL. I TRIED SO HARD MANY TIMES BUT TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I NEED A BIG DEAL OF HELP TO FORGIVE YOU. YOU MADE THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE.

Breathe. I would not say sorry. Rolando, if you are reading me here at all, you want your father? Come on, take your father out of our house! For I am afraid that my last birthday will be the last that I would ever have!

I wish I could just cry and let it be cried away and be gone forever. I don’t like this. I don’t want this. Somebody please take me out of here…because I am so tired living the consequences of everybody’s fault. I am also a person. I also dream. I am fragile. I can also die. And it hurts.
I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

JUST FOR ONCE, STOP MAKING THOSE IRRITATING NOISES!!! YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!

Emptied, Don't Know Why

Sunday was special. After all, it was not just an ordinary Sunday, it was a communion Sunday. I am still, I think, in the process of establishing my friendship and connection with my new friends from the church. You see, I want a new life. It is not that I am now replacing my old friends with new ones. I still want to keep some worthy friends especially eightmiles. But everything is not what it used to be like. Many things and people have now changed and that certainly includes me.

Honestly after my birthday I felt so empty inside. I don’t know why but it felt so much like that. I felt so lazy that what I did most of the time was staying on the bed. This time I was not thinking which was weird. Before, when I was not doing anything I tend to think over many things. But now I was feeling so many things. OK, I don’t think that is important.

When I asked Dexter what should I do with my little collection of FHM and other magazines, he easily told me to burn them away. I was expecting to hear that but still, it was like a bit…I don’t know. I was thinking of burning them but I still wanted to hear it from him.

This morning I went to the field with my brothers Alex and Ronron, later on Jojo joined us. I never knew that FHM is fire-proof! We had a hard time keeping the fire on them. As minutes passed by, we found it so much fun. It was like what we used to do way back those days when were little kids in Antipolo.

We spent like two hours in burning all of them. We started doing that like around 4:30AM and we were already winning by six. All of the sudden, one of our neighbor who is an old lady approached us with her own bags of garbage, asking us to burn that for her. I joked to Jojo saying, now we have a career.

Now is the end of my leaves. Actually today is my rest day. So many things to do. In fact, as I am writing this here, I am washing my clothes as well, laughs! I need to finish watching the Season One of Heroes so that tomorrow I could return the DVD to Cherie. I also need to finish the book of Trish so that return it to her tomorrow as well. I am not sure if I am now ready for work but I have no choice. Or is there?

Thank You For The Greetings!

When I was one time in Expression on my birthday, I was reading birthday greeting cards there. It was fun and I enjoyed it so much. It felt like unknown artists had made a collaboration of birthday greetings just for me. I know it was weird to feel that way but it was good pretending that was all for me. There were so many messages that were presented and written incredibly smart. But still, nothing beats those messages from those real people who love me as I am. From my family, old friends, new friends from work and from the church, I thank you all.

From text greeting messages:

1.
Let me be the last one to greet you on your special day.
“Happy Birthday.”
May you have all the success in life!
Jasmin 11:50PM


2.
Uy. Happy Birthday, ha? Di na kita na-greet formally. Enjoy!
Jeremy 8:08PM


3.
Uy, http://www.mynameisfernandyim.blogspot.com/ Happy Birthday! God bless!
Dian 12:37 PM


4.
Let me share this beautiful text [message]:
I asked God, “How do I get the best out of life?” God answered, “Face your past without regret, handle your present with confidence, [and] prepare for the future without fear.”
Then He added, “Keep the faith and drop the fear. Don’t believe in your doubts and never doubt your beliefs. Life is wonderful if you know how to live.” God knows. God cares. Happy Birthday!
Daphny 12:32PM


5.
Hi Nan, congratulations ha? Nadagdagan na naman ang taon mo! Laughs!
Elve Jane 12:06PM


6.
Happy Birthday, Kuya! Tanda mo na. Bilib ako sayo hindi ka pa nag-aasawa. Sorry wala ako gift sayo. Mahal na mahal kita. Miss ko na talaga yung mga corny mong jokes, hehe. Ingat ka lagi. Be happy!
Christina 8:42AM


7.
Maligayang BATI sa’yong kaarawan. Happy Birthday, kuya FERNAND!
Comy 7:20AM


8.
Good morning, Happy Birthday Nan, I love you. Alam ko magkikita naman tayo mamaya pero greet na din kita. Smiles. Ang saya-saya ko kasi magka-age na tayo! Laughs! Smiles, tulog na ulit ako. Smiles.
Gracia 1:14AM


9.
Advanced Happy Birthday, Nand. May God bless you always. Have an open heart. May you be healthy and wealthy always.
October 22 7:46PM


From Blogger:

1.
Happy Birthday Kuya! I am thankful because God gave me a wonderful brother. Umiiyak ako ngayon kasi I miss you so much… Kung alam lang ng buong mundo how sweet and supportive you are. Ang swerte ko kasi Kuya kita.

Ang pinaka nami-miss ko sayo…
• “mga CORNY mong jokes!
• Ung nakakapanginig mong galit (whehehe…)
• at yung nililibre mo ko nang food…(remember nung kumain tau nang balot sa kanto nang Letran? Whahaha, buti hindi tumaas BP ko sa dami nang nakain ko! sana maulit! Hehe)

Remember marami ka sakin na-share na secrets??????
One time nga parang gusto na kitang bukuhin eh... (oops... Peace tau!)

Mahal na mahal kita kuya… Salamat sa pag-unawa mo sakin… You do not know what I feel right now… I really miss you all. Kuya I love you so much... wag ka magbabago huh!

Saka tumatanda ka na oh… wala ka pa talagang balak mag…..?

Okay lang… alam ko malayo mararating mo… at masaya ako (as in sobrang saya!) dahil unti-unti naaabot mo pangarap mo! (pede pakiabot na lang yung sakin? Hehe)

I wish you all the best in Life. Mag ingat ka lagi at ikamusta mo ko sa future hipag ko! Love you!

Christina 3:50 AM



2.
just dropped by to say happee birthday!!!!!!!miss yah..

Cherie 9:13 PM

From Facebook:

1.
Maligayang Kaarawan ulet.
Shee 11:09AM

2.
Happy Birthday. May God continue to bless you and your family.
Jae Em 11:20AM

3.
Happy BIrthday! I will miss you, Nan!
Trish 8:19AM

4.
Happy Birthday Fernand! God bless!
Mine 10:35AM

5.
Happy BIrthday friend!
Jerlie 10:11AM

Pictures From Canyon Cove With The Spurs

My Personal Holiday Journal: My Birthday

Around 7PM I was already in Walter Mart waiting for Gracia and eightmiles. Comy just texted me that the bus he was boarding was a little slow. After I bought another set of Buffy Comics, I went to food court and waited there for them. In less than a minute I saw a familiar face and I thought it was Jeremy who was in front me buying peanuts. But I was hesitant to say a word, not even a ‘hi’ because it had been a very long time since the last time we saw each other. Of course I was happy to see him. He was one of those angels God sent to me to help me get out of my gingered cocoon. He had been part of that phase which was very important to me.

He decided to accompany me while I was waiting for Gracia and eightmiles. 8PM hit the clock and there, officially it was my birthday. Jeremy was still with me until around 8:15PM, I think, when Gracia and Jerlie finally arrived. I was so surprised and very much happy to see Jerlie because I was not expecting to see her. And I really missed Gracia. She was so lovely. After a quick introduction, Jeremy left and I accompanied my ladies to the grocery thing.

One century passed by when Jeff finally showed up. And another century rushed the arms of the clock when Comy finally came. Then we went to the secret place where we had so much fun. It was the same place the first time the friendship was born way back in the end of our freshman year in college. The place was very important to us and we sure had a great time together in that secret ‘shiny’ place!

And mind this, we had so many foods with us! I was afraid that I would be ending up a fat Fernand Yim when I finally get back to the office! Laughs!

Arnel came one hour before 12MN. When we met I told him to say it. Then he looked at his wrist watch and said, I am still on time. There happy birthday. After that, we ate and had fun talking about trivial things.

We went to the pool and well, we swam a lot. I mean to say, they swam and I tip-toed in the pool, laughs! Then we had the Ask-Me session. I thought it brought back the fire of friendship and closeness to each of us. The support for Jerlie’s complicated love life was so obvious and many times we felt like we were her big brothers and Gracia her sister. It was fun and refreshing.

When we were back to the room, after Gracia and Jerlie had a shower together, Comy, Arnel, Jeff, and I had shower together, too. Comy was so, err, brave? I don’t know what should be the exact word but he was like all in his funny brief and all that. We were like little kids running inside the bathroom, striking each other with the wet shorts, err! It was so violent there, laughs! We were so noisy and we sure had fun like we used to have before.

After the violent shower session, we played another kiddy game using the white blanket. We were all holding the blanket in a circle which we were fanning up and down in harmony. Then in a count of three we would all go under it and all parts of our body should be inside the blanket at the end of the game. Whoever had any part of his body still hanging outside would be declared The Loser which happened to be me, laughs! We also played Pusoy Dos, err, I missed the game so much.

After making fun of each other, we then slept in a jigsaw puzzle order. Some time in the morning I woke up and searched for Gracia’s hand with my crawling right hand. When I finally found it, I placed it against my cheek, kissed it and felt so alive. Many prayers were said in my head. One of those prayers was that to finally get home in my own house, on my own bed with Gracia waiting for me there.

I thought that was the end of it but no, after we had our breakfast in Jollibee in Crossing, we went to Malvar, in Jerlie’s place and had our lunch there. We watched Drag Me to Hell on the computer. It was nice and funny. I know it was a horror flick but something about the way it was written which made it a little comical. We all liked the movie. After that every one checked on their virtual farms in Farmville in Facebook.

And because Arnel and Jerlie had still a shift that night, we decided to go home and have some rest. I went with Gracia to San Pablo as always. We, ehem, spent another hour in 7eleven there where we had a couple of Big Gulp.

All in all it was a happy birthday. And I am really happy. Now that it was over and need to look forward for every day to pass by in another round of New Year for my next birthday, I did not receive any greeting messages from Mr. Yim.

My Personal Holiday Journal: Countdown To My Birthday

I am counting the hours before 8PM which I am considering my actual birthday. You see, I was born at 8PM on October 23rd twenty-six years ago. What did I do today? Nothing much. I went to, ehem, Walter Mart and watched The Echo which was fine. True it was that I was feeling all proud on my seat while waiting for the appearance of Iza Calzado in the movie which was in the middle part of it. I never saw the original version but I thought the movie was really fine. It was kinda dramatic and heavy for a horror flick. I was hoping to get really scared all through out watching the movie. But it failed to raise my hair, laughs! But the movie was really fine.

After that I bought another ticket for the movie entitled Fame. But because it was an hour to go before the next showing schedule, I decided to spend some time in Expressions. There I read Birthday Greeting Cards. I never thought that it would be fun reading them. It was like someone telling the messages to me. I really enjoyed it.

Then I watched Fame finally. I really liked the movie. It was my movie. It was really encouraging. It was like telling me not to give up on my dreams. I am not giving up. I will get 'there'. The divine 'there'.

Now I need to rush a bit because I have a date, or a party, with eightmiles (Or some of them).

My Personal Holiday Journal: The First Wednesday Alone

Before I went home, I stopped by the Jollibee in Bucal to buy two Chicken Barbeque meals and Sundaes for Mama and for whoever else was in the house. My first question was, did I get darker? Laughs!

I took a couple of hours of rest then I took a bath and went to, ehem, Walter Mart. But before that I spent three hours in a computer shop in Crossing. I chatted with Jerlie who told me that, as much as she wanted to, she would not be able to make it on my birthday. After that I went finally to Walter Mart. There I bought seven Buffy Comics. I was missing so many people but refraining to spend the day with any one of them. I wanted to be alone. I don’t know why. It just felt like that. I also watched a movie, the Pandorum. It was a fine movie. Then after that I went to Beanstalk and had pasta and iced tea. I walked home and weighing all the emotions inside me.

Thursday was a little lazy and nothing much happened. I just bought couple of shirts in, ehem, Walter Mart for my brother Jojo and me. I was afraid that I would be spending my villégiature in Walter Mart! I hope not. Please don’t.

My Personal Holiday Journal: The First Wednesday after Tagaytay

At five in the morning I was already awake. After all I am still a country boy. I went outside and said my prayers and I even sang praises. The world from there was all beautiful. The air was way too cold but it was fine. It was so silent. Many thoughts ran in my head but I shooed them away.

At seven we had our breakfast. It was a happy breakfast. Joking around was becoming the official hobby of the team, laughs! After a couple of minutes we bade goodbye to the owner and set on the road. Inside the van the fun continued on. Somewhere in me I was hurting. But I did not talk about it. I happily watched and felt every moment I was with them.

In Alabang I boarded off the van to go home. When I ran off, I did not look back because I did not want to.

The Spurs’s first and last Team Building was now over. It was now part of a memory. That was it.

My Personal Holiday Journal: The First Tuesday at Tagaytay City

We left Canyon Cove around six for Tagaytay City where we would have our team dinner and our team open forum . Every one was tired but still had the energy to annoy each other, laughs! After an hour, I think, I decided to pulled the van’s window open so that the fresh cold air in Tagaytay City could breeze in and it was so relaxing, except for those few occasions when a couple of trucks were passing by.

Ms. Shee on our way to Nasugbu, Batangas.

The air temperature reminded me of Antipolo City. Suddenly I missed those days when I was growing up in Antipolo City. Many mornings we woke up that we could not see the mountain near our small village because of the fog covering it. I could still remember that every morning we needed to place the cooking oil container near the stove so that the ‘sleeping’ oil inside would melt down eventually. It was funny that we needed to heat the bathing water just for us to take a bath before school. Or sometimes, we did not bother to take a bath at all because the mornings were so cold that it could freeze you up and, tell me how could you report to school with a frigid body? Laughs! How I wish I could live that same life again…someday.

Back to the van, we caught Cristy sleeping soundly in Bhernz’s arms, laughs! They looked so sweet. I was also feeling a little sleepy that I found it really challenging to sleep on the van. Daphny offered me her pillow on her lap and there I lay down half of my body for minutes of sleeping.

Along the highway we had a stopover by one of those native restaurants which the specialty is Bulalo. Yes, we had Bulalo and, ehem, Crispy Pata for dinner. The food was great except for the rice, according to Ms. Shee. I wished I could eat more but I was trying not to because…well…I could not take all the foods we were eating all at the same day. We were like eating all the time non-stop! It was funny that I almost complained because of too much eating. Well, I am very conscious with all my sleeping muscles, laughs! I was still hoping that one day they would wake up to let them all see what I used to have, laughs!

The small restaurant where we were eating was located by the cliff, I must say. Behind me was a huge open window that you could see the small lights of villages below. The wind was blowing so cold from time to time. I could see Kat pulling her blanket tighter and tighter every other minute. In fact, the temperature in Tagaytay was even colder than our air-conditioned office in Burgundy. With that kind of temperature was making the dinner with Bulalo and Crispy Pata a heaven-like feeling. Somewhere in me, I felt like it was our ‘last supper’, if you know what I mean.

While eating, Ms. Shee was surprised when a grasshopper, well, hopped in the room. It was funny. Then, there was a small insect that flew on Alex’s shirt that Alex immediately stood up and tried to run away from it. That one was funny.

After dinner, we backed on the road to go to the Lodge. There we were welcomed by the owner who was very kind and friendly and she was very young. The three rooms we rented which were very affordable but hey, the rooms were so clean, so beautiful, so comfortable. There was a big TV with cable connection, a refrigerator which was packed with sweets and drinks in each room. The bathroom was so clean and impressive in style, simple yet elegant. The bed was more than fine. The color of the room was comfortable to the eye. Plus there were free pineapples! Well, I am not a big fan of pineapples anyway, laughs! And there was free breakfast, too!

And what else we did there before we slept? We ate―again. They drank, too. The OF started when they started asking everyone questions. Those questions and the answers to those questions were reserved for those who were there. Many cried. Now we all know what is going on and what will happen. We are already missing Elve Jane, Trish, and Ms. Shee.

That was the first time I saw Trish way more candid than before. Funny part was every one was speaking in English! When Bhernz said that his first impression of Elve Jane was that she seemed to be a little snobbish, after Elve Jane smiled she said, it was just superficial. When we heard the word superficial, we all pinched our noses for declaring nosebleed, laughs!

That was an emotional night. I tried to be careful with my words because I did not want to mislead anyone. There was so much that seemed to be un-word-able . Ms. Shee cried so sincerely in front of us. To summarize it all so to explain what happened in The Spurs for the past weeks and all the misunderstandings, Ms. Shee loves the team so much that she could not let go of us. Inside her was a war of choosing and controlling her emotions. If she would have a choice she wants to keep all of us. But the top management has a different plan for us. There is no way to say no. She could not talk to us about it before because every time she would try, there was a threat that she would burst in tears and she would not be able to say it all, which resulted to her silence and seemingly avoidance of the team. Because of too many emotions involved inside her, she was no longer aware that it was creating wrong assumptions and hurt feelings.

So to say as results transformed to more magnified emotions. Every one was hurting and fearing of what was going on. I think the process of dis-Spurs-ing was painful for every one of us. Good thing that now everything is clear. Everyone forgave everyone. Now it feels harder to let go of the team. Personally I love the team now more than ever.

My Personal Holiday Journal: The First Tuesday at Canyon Cove

Check out first the My Personal Holiday Journal: Introduction.

OK let us pull the first day on, the first Tuesday, October 20th from 6:30AM up to 12MN.

6:30AM. My living senses felt so alive when I heard the logging-out sound from my Avaya. Like I always say, the best part of the shift is going home. But for that day, going home was not in the menu. We met at the back of the Burgundy Corporate Tower by the van we rented for our most anticipated and controversial Team Building. All in all, including Kuya Nato, our driver, we are thirteen in the van. As we conquered the road, we took our team breakfast eating Jolly Spaghetti and Chicken Joy inside the van. Turned out that when we ordered for thirteen meals from Jollibee in Export Building nearby, they only packed twelve. So Ms. Shee was missing her share. Everyone offered their breakfast to Ms. Shee which ended up with Elve Jane sharing hers with Ms. Shee. Ms Shee did not like the Chicken Joy and Elve Jane did not want the Jolly Spaghetti so…perfect eating tandem!

Beautiful part of the breakfast in the van was that Ms. Shee asked me to lead the prayer. Initially I felt a little uh-uh because I was not expecting it. When I said the prayer, I was so running-out-of-words. Not that I wanted to say a perfect prayer or whatever, I just did not want to miss a thing to pray for. One thing I remember, though. I prayed that God would bless each and every one of us and that God would clear all the misunderstandings. And Amen to that.

Every one was so hyper. It was funny when each of them was making fun of each other. It was a happy travel from Makati to Nasugbu, Batangas. We went to Canyon Grove. We arrived around ten in the morning.

At Canyon Cove.

The scenery was superb! I couldn’t help but keep thanking the LORD for making the Philippines a real paradise. It felt so proud that we have this so beautiful ocean. The crew was friendly and accommodating. I want to thank our personal waiter. His name is Dave.

White sand covered the coastline. The sky was perfect azure, unlike what was reported in the news about the new typhoon Ramil. The hotels and apartments were built so beautifully. The swimming pools complemented the sea. The geographical landscaping of the whole area was so impressive enough that I know for sure, in the future I will be coming back.

The food, according to Alfred Ryan, was soul-satisfying. The choices of drinks and beverages were more than enough to make you crave and want more and more of them (Redundancy). I had the Buco shake which tasted like Ice Candy Buco flavored.

We started the Team Building with the Snake’s Head and Tail, I am not sure how to call it or how Daphny called the game, it was so much fun. Kat flew literally in one of the games! We had a video of it and when you see the video you would know what I am trying to say here. At first I thought it would be boring but when we were playing the game already it was so much fun. We were like kids playing for the first time. Even Ms. Shee was having fun being part of the winning team. Fernand Yim was part of the not-so-winning team, in other words, I was part of the losing team, laughs!

No one cared if we rolled on the muddy grass. No one cared if we got dirty or was a little hurt. The adrenaline was so rushing into our pituitary glands, there goes my science, laughs!

In all the Team Buildings I had in Sykes that was the best. I felt like I loved The Spurs even more. For the first time I felt like I was part of a team. I felt that we were so united in hearts. Don’t wanna be mushy here but I don’t think there is other way to say it but be spongy and stop pretending I am a rock with no humane emotions, laughs!

I was waiting for Ms. Shee to say it finally. I wanted everyone to know it all. It felt so bad that you tried to act normal as every one did not know what was going on behind last three weeks’ worth of controversy. I was feeling bad that I needed to act that I did not know. That every time I looked and talked to Elve Jane and Trish I needed to stay as what I used to be and I was missing them so much already! But I zipped my mouth from spilling a single word about the dis-Spurs-ing of the team.

Once in a while Ms. Shee was giving out clues. Every one was becoming so emotionally sensitive and gritty in attitude all at the same time. Observing the team, every one seemed to find it hard to place their emotions. It was like we all knew it and not knew it at the same time. I know it is kinda confusing. However, I believe it has something to do with our human instincts. You can feel it but can’t point it out. One thing is sure that it is there.

My Personal Holiday Journal: Hours Before 6:30AM of the First Tuesday

Please check out first the My Personal Holiday Journal: Introduction

My call center lunch that day was at 1:30AM. Kat and I ate Pares. By four we had our Team Meeting. At five I had the SOC training and please don’t ask me what it means. All I know is that it is a training refresher about all the policies in Sykes, both international and local laws.

Six hit the clock and, whew, it was my second break. All in all I only took calls for like only six hours. It was a good thing to me.

My Personal Holiday Journal: A Day, or Night, Before the First Tuesday

Before you read the following, you might want to check out first the My Personal Holiday Journal: Introduction

Monday night started when Fernand Yim was running in every corner of our house while causing chaos in my family…Jojo where is the pair my white shoes? They are the only pair that would match my birthday outfit! I have told you that many times since September this year, right? Now where is it? Jojo turned to me and I realized that it was Calvin, another brother. Oh, Calvin? Why you look so like Jojo when your back is turned to me? Don’t ever turn your back to me at times like this! Calvin looked at me and said, times like…when your shoes are missing but truth is, they are resting under the sofa upstairs after you left them there before you slept this morning which you always do since internet invaded the cell phones! And my cellphone does not have one! My classmates’ big brothers who are employed just like you, please let me say it, are way cooler than the one I have. (OK, he did not really say the last lines. But every time I look him in the eyes, I thought I heard him once say that to me. Yes, by simply staring into him. Weird is me, I know.) Yes, that was Calvin. They are all like that. Talking back to me. They sound to be my Kuyas! Oh, they are there? I said. Calvin looked at me one more time with no words coming from his mouth but evidently he was like saying, ‘as always’.

After I had my shoes on, I asked Mama like the nth time already, Mama, do I look good in it? (I was wearing my new checkered yellow-black stylish―, I really should say it here, the word ‘stylish’ so that it would sound cool a bit, laughs! I honestly don’t know what it is called. Let us simply call it the Yellow Shirt. Then Mama would reply saying, Yes it looks good on you. Then I would not be satisfied with that and ask her one more time, Mama, are you sure? You’re just telling that because you are my mother and mothers have a reputation to build their children’s confidence. So one more final question, does it look really good on me? Tell me the truth. I can take it no matter how life-devastating it could be. Just be so totally honest. I need to know the truth. And Mama would say it…again. It is good on you.

Is that the only adjective you know? How about adverbs? Any? Please say something else aside from the so plain word ‘good’ or at least put an adverb before or after it. When people are not interested to the question, that is the top answer, in fact the only answer they are giving away, well, aside from Okay and Fine. But those are not encouraging enough. People like me, the Asker, would like to hear something that is extra powerful, that whenever an ugly person comes my way and comment on my Yellow Shirt in a way that has no scientific basis, I would not get easily hurt. Please? Be a mother to me. Don’t be just a plain Askee. And don’t treat me like an ordinary Asker; I am your son, first and foremost. (The Dramachine.)

So what do you specifically want to hear from your mother? Mama asked. Then I said, Say that it is so good or simply say that, whoa, I didn’t know I have a celebrity-looking son! Something like that or close to that. And Mama said, and you are. I am not sure if the reputation thing is true but it felt so good that we talk like this.

At work, I heard Elve Jane said, Nan, you are over yellow. Arg. Good thing Kat said, Okay pala eh.

Exciting part was that when Dian handed me a gift in a red gift wrapper. Inside was the coolest T-shirt which had a print on front which said, I THINK THEREFORE I BLOG. It was so…amazing. And I want to thank Dian, Trish, and Cristy for coming up with the plan and spending hours in SM Mall of Asia to search for the perfect gift for me. Guys, I am running out of words but to sum it up, I thank you so much.

9:30PM is the time our shift starts for the month of October. That day it was also my PEP, the Performance Evaluation Program. I think that is it when you un-shorten it. It is when you and your supervisor discuss the weak and strong points of your performance for thirty minutes. That is mandatory. And I like it because it also means thirty minutes of not taking calls.

At exactly 10PM I started taking calls. Forty-five minutes later, I took my first fifteen-minute break. By eleven I was back to taking calls.

My Personal Holiday Journal: Introduction

How will you spend your free time, let’s say a vacation? I have given a 691, 200-second villégiature. It is 11, 520 minutes. In hours it is 192. OK, in other words I was given an eight-day personal holiday from work. A month ago I was so excited about this. There were so many plans running in my head. I could not even contain the excitement itself. To some point I felt like salivating over this thing which they like to call as vacation leaves. Now that I have it, now that I am in it, I don’t know. Perhaps the curse of the constant circle of changes is affecting it! Arg, why it should be now? Can the cycle choose another time? Why in the world it should be NOW?

I read in a comic, a Buffy comic to be exact, that luck is when your most awaited chance is taken by someone else right before your eyes in one quick snap. My Christian friend and church-mate Dexter would disapprove and say luck is not written in the Bible. I know that, it is just that I feel so limited to say it in a different way not mentioning the word luck. Could I just simply say the ‘L’ word? It might be denoting something else, you know what I mean. Anyway I mentioned it already so what the fuss all about? Laughs!

Anyway it is a special edition of M.N.I.F.Y. I am calling it My Personal Holiday Journal. Lame, I know. Laughs! OK, let’s get it on. Oops, let me establish first the exact time frame for it. It had started 6:30AM last October 20th, a Tuesday, and will be running until 6:00PM of October 28th, a Wednesday. Now let us calculate that again. Let me pull up my calculator and do the legendary Math. On the first Tuesday I had 18 hours. On my last Wednesday which is in next week, I would have 48 hours. There are seven days between the first Tuesday and the last Wednesday which is an equivalent of seven days, in hours it is 168. If we add them up it will be a total of 234 hours. Nerve snapping. Ouch, Math is not really healthy to a normal human brain. What I am saying is I am a little confused with the calculation. Anyway that is not important. I just thought it would be cool, at least for me personally, to have numbers in it. Laughs!

I will be starting on the hours before 6:30AM on the first Tuesday hit the clock. I was thinking of naming it but I could not come up with a cool way to call it so…there, I decided to skip the naming part.

Blank Like Paper

The following was written some time a week ago.

Here I am in front of our computer, looking at the blank white page. Well, of course as I say this here I am typing the words. But what I was really trying to say here is that I feel like a blank paper recently, especially today. I am trying to avoid mentioning the word weird here but since I already did, yes, it feels weird.

It feels like I caught another weird allergy that I am missing so many people and the, ehem, weird part here is that most of these people I am missing are still around. Maybe this is just the effect of the changes which are about to take place as soon as next week.

Or perhaps I am just growing up, not growing old, laughs!

I don’t know what to say here but I feel like I want to write. I don’t mind even if I don’t have any direction with whatever I am telling here. It is like saying what is in my mind.

I want to meet someone, maybe a friend or someone who is completely a stranger. I think what Jerlie had told me before is true. It would feel better to talk to someone you don’t know then tell to that person everything you want to say. No what if’s, no thinking twice. Go all the way. Tell that person whatever you need to say. All the things that you cannot tell to your parents, your siblings, your best friend, your spouse, your boss, and to anyone you hope you can, go ahead and tell it all. And if he or she will give you advice, that is your bonus. But don’t leave a trace. Let that person be a forever stranger to you as you are to that person.
Right after you are done with it, you would feel so much relieved. It would feel like you had removed something so hefty from your heart to that conversation.

Before, I used to write it on a paper. Then I just threw it away or burned it. But it is much better to say it to someone you know who can hear you. It is like a friend for an hour. Hey, I like that. A friend for an hour.

Then what if, no matter how well you managed keeping no trace, one day you meet that person again? That person, your friend for an hour, who knows your deepest darkest secret! There the trouble starts. And obviously I am not sure if what I am saying now here is making sense to you. It is just a release of…thoughts and feelings.

I feel like I want to sleep or have a long break and I will only come back whenever I feel like coming back. As long as I don’t feel like coming back, I don’t want to come back. Not that I am quitting or whatever you call it, I am telling you now that it is so not like that. I just need a break. A rest.

Now I am thinking, when was the last time I had a real vacation? When I was not thinking of anything, you know, so free from anything. I want that. Hopefully this scheduled vacation leaves I have for five days will do me good.

While writing this here, Will of the Wind and Later are playing in the background, twisting my emotions even more.

Shaking The Spurs

There are so many changes going on the floor that, as much as the management wants to keep it from us, it is plaguing the mood of every one. Sometimes I asked myself, “Which is better, the feeling that you don’t know the thing going on, or when you know it but you cannot tell anyone at all until you are told to do so?” The answer I got from myself was a big…DUNNO.

To some point I thought I am watching a replay of what had happened last year, or early this year. There were so many adjustments when the year changed, when I was just starting to feel comfortable with The IncrediBULLS which was when I was one of the chosen ones to be transferred to a new team which is now The Spurs. Now nine months had passed by and I feel so comfortable with Ms. Shee. I love her. We love her. I cannot imagine having another supervisor aside from her. Not that I am limiting myself to what I have now from changes. It is just an expression. That is how I exactly am feeling right now. Sir Ivor is still someone I look up to. But now I am so home with Ms. Shee. I can tell her anything. I cannot just trust anyone right away after what happened in the past. I had learned my lessons in a hard way. It is not easy to let go, especially to let go someone who has become so important to you. I think what Gracia had said in college is very true. Life is like a door. We welcome, we let go.

And it is all happening in my birth month! I realized something about me. I am recently acting like what I used to when I just transferred to the new team, to The Spurs. I found out that whenever I cannot handle my emotions I tend to act strange. I become so highly caffeinated, you know what I mean. I could not contain it all inside me. I think the art of letting go is something I find so hard to master. We always get hurt no matter how many times we let go a loved one, a story, a routine, a self.

Ms. Shee cried this morning when we were having the huddle time. I know she is feeling so much pressure right now. I know she is feeling so emotional but still she is trying to be strong for us. She needs to speak to many people but she cannot find a chance, a way, or how to say it, what words she can say, or how to start at all. I want to help, to do something. But like her, the start is something I still need to work on.

I know whatever is going on is for the benefit of the majority of us. It is for us. But I have a feeling that, even if they are saying that everyone will be affected, it feels so true that it is us, The Spurs, who is the center of the whole pressure going on. To me, I am not sure if I like it or not. No, I am lying. I do not like it. But I cannot keep the people I love from growing by keeping them with me forever.

Many times to let go is to love. And to love is to let go. And because I am loving, I am letting go. I am letting go because I am loving.

"Uy, ang cute nun tricycle oh!"

Cristy and Alfred Ryan

Cristy and Nan

Big Bite: Nan, John, and Ms. Shee

After Tokyo Tokyo

From System Building

Pizza Time!

At The Burgundy

The Last Picture...might be.