Confessions of Fernand Yim

I have so many things to tell. I want to start with Tuesday last week.



Confessions of Fernand Yim

Before I thought to repent is to tell everything to God in a prayer and that’s it. Somewhere inside my head I knew something else was needed to be done. But I kept ignoring it. It is because I didn’t want it. I didn’t have the courage or faith in anyone to tell my story. I was afraid to be misunderstood. It was only God who I trusted so much. It was Him who always knew all about it. And it haunted me for a very long time. Along the way I committed more mistakes. I hurt more people because I was hurting deep within me. Many times I tried to open my mouth and unfold my story but I withheld for the fear that I might not be able to complete the story. Truth is, it was a series of Ginger Allergy which I don’t think someone would love to know them. So there, I refused and tried my very best to keep it all in me. Until one day God wanted something else from me. The command was so strong that I couldn’t say no but let it be done as it should be.

That day finally came. I had a meeting with a new friend named Dexter who is also my Group Leader in Small Group for Victory Christian Fellowship. Prior to that day I was so restless. I was trying to control my emotion and telling myself that it would be fine. Everything would fine because it was what God wanted and it was all for good. I was trying to busy myself so that I wouldn’t have time to think about what to say. I was avoiding creating a script in my head. I wanted everything that I would tell him would be coming from my mouth for the first time. I wanted to be totally honest with every word that would be coming form my mouth. Somewhere in me I knew it was never easy. It was not all about me. It was also about my roots, my family, and the details. Going back to the details was the most hurting part. Reliving the emotions. All the fears, the shame and the pains.

When Dexter finally arrived in Chowking where I was waiting for more than two hours, I felt my heart moved in a sort of strong pain that I was not able to recognize. And I told him everything. All of it. All of my shame. All of my dirt. All of me. I felt my chin tremble as I controlled not to cry. All of the sudden we forgot where were we. People around us started to give us strange glances while hearing Dexter saying, Jesus Christ and Holy Spirit many times out loud. But I never felt a bit of shame. I felt an incredible power of relief. I was thankful to the LORD for that precious chance. Now I am a new person. I had been born again…for the second time.

Another Confession of Fernand Yim

When Papa started complaining about his chest pain and obviously letting us know how he was feeling, instead of compassion and care, I was feeling annoyed and to some point…I felt anger. Also, I was feeling fear. I knew it was so inappropriate to feel this way. I felt I was so ungrateful after all he had done to me. Yes, after all he had done. I should have all the reasons why I am feeling this way. I don’t choose this. It was planted long ago in my heart that even if I wanted to alter it to something good I kept failing. I don’t like this but this is how I am feeling. And the fear that my future would be taken away from me, my dream of having a family with Gracia would be a dream forever. You see, I don’t have much time. It’s either do or change the route. And I don’t want to change the route.

Then I prayed. I told all of this and I felt relieved. I wouldn’t be alone on this. God is so confident in me that I could do this that He let me have this. I will be fine. I am so happy that I could tell Comy about it as easy as unwrapping a candy. I will wait and see what future holds. I don’t fear anymore because we all have the same destination. The difference is what is behind that destination.

Had Watched The Proposal

It felt good to spend time with Gracia. I feel like I am whole. I feel like I am me. I feel my blood so alive. I feel so calm that I want more time with her. Sometimes I want to rush into the future but when I remember something, it scares me off that I oblige myself to be content to what I have now. Everything I have now is a gift. I try not to worry. And God forgive me but I can’t help it. But I will be fine. God knows what to do. And I trust Him.

Gracia and I watched The Proposal with Comy. Then after that, Gracia and I visited Jerlie. And, even though I was sleepy all the time, Gracia was so patient and even loved me more. I feel so blessed to have her in my life. No one can be better than her in this world. She is for me as I am for her.

Another Error.

I was just informed by Ms. Shee about my new call handling error. I was disappointed again about my performance. I am trying my best to work according to what they demand us to do but sometimes, all the ties are knotted so tightly that it feels like it is hard to breathe on the floor. I love all the people I am working with. They are making me happy. And that keeps me trying to improve more myself on the floor.

Goodbye Now Because You Want It

Recently I am changing friends. Not that I was aware of it. I just realized it today. There is this big twist that is taking over me that feels so powerful that there is nothing else I can do but to surrender.

I am waiting for Dexter, my Small Group Leader here in Crossing, Calamba. Honestly I am so nervous. I know I should not be afraid because this is all for God. I believe God wants me to do this. I have to open myself completely and let Him take over. I am shaking in inexplicable nervousness. But there is no turning back. This is what I want. This is what I was desperately longing for so long ago. Now that He has given me the chance, I don't want to lose it.

There are so many people I am thinking about today. I hate the feeling of being alone and as much I can I want to be with my friends whenever they feel alone. I feel like I am playing a superhero in their lives. Although, I should admit that I am so limited. I thought I could do all these things. It feels like I could fly to them for just one call. I come to realize I cannot do it all. I have wounds that need healing.

It is not that I am leaving some friends. It is just another perspective I am now playing in my head. Before, to prove that I am a friend, I lingered with them. I tried to reach out as far as I could for me to understand them. I thought my sincerity would be enough to rescue them. But I guess I was not careful enough and I am not proud of it that I was led astray. I had hurt so many people in the past. I had put so many pains in my heart that healing seemed to be something to be considered as an elusive dream. But that was so over.

I had proven I was a friend. That was enough. I had done my part. I can't spend the rest of my life for someone who seems to care not at all. As I am writing this here I am crying. My soul is crying like a kid lost his family. If these people I am talking about could not take the way I am taking now, I am sorry but we cannot be friends. The calling is now more powerful that I cannot let any of you take it away from me.

For those who would come with me, I thank you so much. I love you so much. I feel so blessed that LORD God has given me a future wife who is also Christian. As this big healing goes on, I feel like I am falling in love more and more with her. Gracia, I love you so much. I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with you.


And for friends who decided to take the other way, I am sorry but I have to say goodbye. Not that I want to, but because this is what you want me to do. Don't appreciate me anymore because it is too late. How I wish there would be a change of heart for all of you. I still pray to see you in my Old Home.

God Wants Me

I am losing my memory for dates. There were so many things that had happened for the last weeks. So many of them that keeping track of dates was another task. Anyway, whatever is going on in my life now is a big thing. It is very important. The calling, or the message, is getting clearer and clearer as each day passes by. I am so confident that I am now on the right track. This is what I wanted so before ago.



I am trying to be more careful and watchful with every detail of my life now. Sometimes it feels like there is a collision of the ly-things. You know what I’m saying? Like emotional-ly, psychological-ly, physical-ly, and spiritual-ly.

It’s flattering to know that God wants me so much that He has provided me all the support that I would need. He sent all the wonderful people that would shape me to be one of His Fishermen. It feels so exciting and I am trying not to rush. It is because it is a process. When I was told the last Victory Weekend for the year is this August and the next one will be in January next year. I felt like I wanted to rush things and I wanted so much to let it be done with me being part of it. But I needed to finish first the One To One with Ace. I am not sure if it is right to write it here that to some point I felt God was grinning at me telling me, “Hey, son, slow down. There is no need to rush. I am watching every step of your way. I am with you.” Do you see how great the feeling is to be with Him all the way with all of this? It is so amazing. And the spiritual war is getting more active that sometimes it feels like I would faint because it feels too much to bear all at once.

Test of Faith

Last Sunday last week with Casey (Or is it KC?) during the Small Group, I was blessed and felt I was lectured One To One by the LORD. It was about the tithes. Because of my recent financial responsibilities, I came short with my finances that I had to be super tipid with what so little left in my financial pocket which felt like it was another war going on in my life. Prior to that, I was secretly praying to God to forgive me in advance that I would not be able to give my tithes that Sunday. I was like, “I know You understand me, my LORD.” But Casey told us something about faith. How big our faith is? When he asked us that, I pondered on it as he explained it further to us. I don’t know how but it was like Casey was reading my mind that he mentioned about tithing. He said that in times we feel financially challenged; we tend to sacrifice our tithes. And that is a beautiful chance for us to prove how we trust in the LORD our lives. If we trust in the LORD that He will provide for us, we should do our share and let the LORD fills whatever is emptied in our lives. And I want God to be pleased with me, such a very little thing that I could do, that I offered my tithes with trusting heart.

This previous week I had scheduled a movie date with Gracia, we planned to watch The Proposal. I was tightening more my financial belt just to make it for her. You see, we only see each other like once in a week. So spending time with her, somehow, I want it to be extra special. It was like so wrong timing that it was also the previous week when I decided to move out from The House, which would require now more bus fares and other miscellaneous fees that I needed to deal with, you know what I’m saying? Laughs!

Then, the challenge got tougher. Last Friday Papa had a trouble with his heart. I don’t know how to say it. It was like he felt pain in his heart plus back pain and other related pains. He needed to be in the hospital and there was no second thought for that. And that was not it. We had no extra money for that. The only little money left I had, that was the only we had to buy his medicine. I was like, oh-oh, please give me a break! As if I had a choice, I gave it all to them. The only thing left in me was the half of my tithes for this Sunday. I was tempted to not give it because I did not have any left for even a simple jeepney fare to get to work for this Monday! I was also tempted to not be able to attend the service. Heck, I needed the money so badly! But my LORD God knew it all even before I began a prayer. I believed God wanted me to be more faithful in Him. I was like, “Okay, I trust in You, LORD.”

And Today...

Today is Monday in Manila Time. Papa left so early today for work. My four brothers, one in sixth grade, two in high school, and one sophomore college student, all went to school today. Nicalyn, graduating next year and is running for Cum Laude, left our house with a happy face. My friend Jose Mari lent me some money so I could go to work later tonight. Also, Calvin left the house early so that he could pay the electric bill, too. How all of these beautiful things happened? It is because God never fails to provide in our lives. He uses people to extend His very present help in times of need.

And also the last Victory weekend will be, ehem, October this year. What a birhtday gift is there waiting for me to experience.

To Gracia,

I Love you. Don't worry, I'll see you soon.

Growing In Spirit

Falling In Love

The first time I attended the service in Victory Christian Fellowship (VCF) in Alabang Center, I fell in love with the Church. I felt closer to God and my spirit could not contain the excitement and the inexplicable joy I was feeling deep within me. I was feeling a strong rush that to some point, my logic was almost overwhelmed. It was so beautiful.



I like the idea of small group which is like a specialized Bible Study. I am now also taking One To One with Ace as my lead. Everything is so beautiful. I also love the songs, especially the Praise and Worship which is really important prior to accepting the Words of God. I am now more focused in achieving the ultimate power and blessings of the Holy Spirit that I pray one day I will have the chance to fish for people to introduce my personal savior and only God, Jesus Christ. I want the world to experience this beautiful gift that has been given to all of us.

Fishing for Friends

I feel more responsible with my friends. Aside from the fact that I love them so much, I also want them to experience the joy of living a wonderful life of a Christian. I feel challenged when I think of some of them who currently have a different faith from us. But God will surely make a way.

And About Ramon

I think I need to give Ramon some space. One of my reasons why I moved in Lakeview is to look after Ramon so that to make sure he will keep the gift. I don’t know how to say this but the spirits in him are choking me that I come to decide to live apart from him for the meantime. I need to be very strong in spirit and that is what is happening now. I need more time with my healing so that I would be able to do the fishing anytime in the near future. It is a very important preparation that now I am starting to realize and understand the big picture I already felt early this year. I knew something is big this year. I didn’t know that it would have something to do with my faith. I am so thankful and happy about it.

I am happy that now Ramon has Bryan to guide him through with One To One. At first I felt Bryan would not be the appropriate one to change Ramon. I wanted someone else who has a deeper and stronger spiritual faith that would help Ramon with his very sensitive transformation. However I felt God was telling me something else. I need to learn to trust in Him in everything. God knows who will be the right person for a specific task. I know He has chosen Bryan for Ramon and I strongly believe that they will do fine.

On Ramon’s Birthday

On August 2, it was Sunday; Ramon was feeling down that he refused to go to the church. I knew it was about something that he was not telling me. He kept giving me toddler-like alibis that were irritating me so much. I was so disappointed that I forced him to prepare for the church. I knew the enemy was trying to discourage him with evil emotion Ramon was feeling that time. But I knew the Devil would never win. I kept praying silently. Finally he stood up and prepared for the service.

During the Small Group, Bryan gave him a new Bible and a Red Ribbon’s cake. Everyone felt excited for Ramon. It was so nice of Bryan that he knew how to reach Ramon. The Small Group was divided into two. Dexter, the leader of our Small Group, led the other half with Bryan, Marvin, Jerome, Rico, and Ramon. The half which I was part of was lead by KC. I was also with Raffy, Ace, and Chris of San Pablo City.

With KC, I felt just fine. Those things I was hearing from Ramon were proven wrong. KC was nice and I felt the sincerity in the Bible sharing that we had. I uttered a silent prayer of forgiveness after I realized my mistake of letting myself to be affected from what I just heard. And everything went just fine.

During the 6PM service, I was so happy with the Praise and Worship. My current favorite Praise Song entitled ‘Still’ was performed and it moved my spirit to the highest worship. It was perfectly beautiful.

On The Last Hour

There was a small celebration in The House for Ramon’s birthday. I liked the fried chicken and the other dishes Ate Ella and Alvin prepared. They also bought a couple of bottles of The Bar. I decided to sleep and let them enjoy what they were doing.
I easily fell asleep and when I woke up in the middle of the night, I heard Ramon talking about almost everyone from the church. Sometimes he had that crying tone of voice. Sometimes he sounded angry. There were many other emotions I could not identify. It was like there were multiple persons talking in the same body. He mentioned many people that I prefer not to mention their names here. I was so offended. I found myself defending the church silently. There were so many words that I wished he never mentioned at all.

I don’t know if he was aware of what he was saying or, if in any case, he could at least recall any of them. Ramon said no one understood him but only Bryan. He said that I never understood him. I was trying to control myself and kept on listening on everything he was saying. He also said that he was feeling so much pressure. He felt too much pressure already in the church that having me around in the same house felt even so much for him to take. To some point he had said that I was choking life out of his lungs. And worst of all, he made me feel I was not in the position, not a bit, to help him. He didn’t say it but he would like to say that he can only see me as one of the debris.

It is not that I was offended or whatever, although I would admit that I was very hurt hearing him saying that whether in front of me or not, I just want him to continue with his One To One. I know he’ll do well. I think he doesn’t really need me around. Now I am decided to leave him to Bryan. Like I already mentioned, God has assigned the right one to every one of us.



Now I am confident that Bryan will do well with the help of the Holy Spirit to bring Ramon to the Old Home. God bless us all.