Just Attended The 6PM Service...Again

For the past weeks I didn't have the interest to write any of my current issues. But I guess I am back on my feet because here I am, so excited to web all the words now running in my head! There are so many beautiful things going on. I am really excited to tell all about these things with Gracia later part of this week. But before we go on to that, let me just tell you how I got here in Burgundy today. I took a ride on a sidecar!

There is a very challenging flood in Dela Rosa, my only way to Sykes Manila, so I needed to spend extra twenty pesos just to get to work. It was fun anyway. Then I went to Mini Stop to buy my, ehem, bottle of Fit 'n Right! Laughs! There I met Lohan. Wow, I couldn't remember the last time we had a chat with each other. And guess what, she is getting married next year! It was a happy thing to know. I am really excited for her.

Now back to the very purpose of this blog post. I just attended the 6PM Service in Victory Christian Fellowship (VCF) Church in Alabang. I had first the Small Group which by the way being lead by a new friend Dexter who is from Tanauan, Batangas. It was nice to spend time with these guys talking about Jesus. I am feeling so blessed that I now have a chance to grow in faith with other fellow Christians. I know God made this for me.

I was thinking that they are like Glenda to Gracia to me. I wish that even if Gracia and I don't see each other that much, we still grow in spirit by having our faith blessed by the Holy Spirit. And I pray to the good LORD above that in anyway in the near future that Gracia and I could attend the 6PM Service In VCF together.

It was really a good experience. I was with Ramon anyway. I am happy to see the transformation going on in his life. I know that it will not be easy on him. But I strongly believe that a very powerful God is teaming up with Him so I should be very confident that he will be a full-bloomed Christian anytime soon. After the last prayer while listening to a beautiful song entitled, I Surrender, I turned to Ramon and saw tears flowing by his cheeks. I was like, Oh God, You are so beautiful and alive! I am very thankful and so happy that it is all happening.

Now I believe that God will make a way to give me a more flexible work that will allow me to spend more time in giving Him service and praises that He truly deserves. Oops, before I forgot, it was Pastor LA, son of Coney Reyes (Did I spell her name right?) who preached the Gospel. It was about Abraham and his faith in God's plan. He was funny and entertaining while at the same time, we learned a lot from him. God bless us all!

Secret Wish: I want to be like him.

Don't Tell Me I Did It Wrong Again

I am not sure what to write but I can feel the need to write. When I fished into my short's side pocket for the money I discovered last night which was there after this short went to the laundry already, I didn't know there was a blade inside it. It easily cut my ring fingertip. Blood freely proved that I have them, that I am really alive. Anyway let's get into writing.

It seems like months already to me but it was only two days ago when I moved into my now boarding house in Lakeview. The house is fine. The comfort room is clean. The family I am with now is fine. I can't think of other words to say but fine.

On my first day, that was Saturday, I had a hard time finding the door to dreamland. Something felt wrong. Until I woke up to prepare to work and it felt like I didn't want the situation that I was in. Like I wanted a change of mind. However, it was not as easy as that. There are reasons and goals I am after with why I needed to move out my comfort zone. And also I wanted to be responsible with every decision I make.

When I got to work, it felt like everything was normal. It felt so fine suddenly. But going back to Lakeview, it felt differently. To be honest I am not that happy with the decision I just made. I am now thinking that it is just a matter of controlling my emotions. I won't get anywhere if I wouldn't be able to stand on my own. If I would still feel the same come August, I would get back home.

I miss Psyche. I miss my family. I am refraining myself to text anyone. I want to do this on my own. It might sound a little childish for some but I am feeling a big deal of homesickness. I thought of sending Gracia a text message but I decided not to do so because it might give her an impression that I am not man enough to stand with my decisions in life. See? This thing is like a monster under my bed that is now making my life miserable. Alright, I am no longer Fernand Yim if I can't survive this. I can do this.

Beautiful thing happened yesterday. I attended the 6PM service in Victory Christian Fellowship (VCF) in Alabang. It was my first time in VCF. I met many nice people. I am still working with my connection with them. I mean to say there are all fine but to build a friendship with them, it might take some time, right? You can't just say hello to someone and right that very moment he becomes your friend that instant. But they are all nice to me, and hey, they are Christians! I want them to be my friends and hopefully they want me to be their new friend, too.

There is a guy there who is also part of the Small Group that now I am in, his name is Frederick, who is also a blogger. Isn't that cool? I wish he could read my blogs and, ehem, hopefully he would like them. I think he would make a very good friend to me.

There is also Ace, not Ace of Sykes, who now become my One To One Leader. He will be responsible in making a disciple out of me. I have no issue with him. He is really nice and I feel his sincerity in helping me out.

Yesterday in VCF, I felt like a whole new person who is like a baby, trying to get hold of the power of God which surrounds him. It felt so good...and scary. I don't want to lose this time. It is very important to me to get back to my Old Home.

Don’t Just Say Finish, Please

The following is a personal entry. I don’t suggest you scroll down. I just need to express it. It is just that I need to. I don’t mean anything else. I might be misunderstood by the people I love. And if you’re one of them, please don’t read it.

I don’t know what’s happening to me. But recently, I was feeling like a robot. I was not feeling anything, like I was empty from the inside. It was not about another round of Ginger feeling. I am okay, in a sense that everything is still working as normal. I think I just want to be there and that place seems vague to me. It is not that I am now giving up. It is just that plans seem not enough. Talents, good intention, and prayers seem to run out of faith.

I just noticed I don’t write much recently. It is because I don’t want to record all my frustrations. I think I am not that good. I don’t think I even have a loyal reader. As a writer, the best feeling you could get is to know you have a reader. And there is so much more. I just don’t want to see a long list of…them here.

I’ll be fine, I know. I can make it. It’s just that I am running out of strength. I can’t be weak. I can’t be depressed. I can’t tell how dim it feels inside. It is because there are so many people who need to be cheered up first by me. There are so many important people who need to be my priority. But I can’t just pretend that I am completely fine. I know it would show in a way or another. I can’t tell that I am feeling this because someone is upset as well and needs to be comforted. I can’t just think of myself because I love my family so much that they should come first in my list. And for my personal dreams, it is only God who knows if they would remain a dream for the rest of my life.

Purpose, purpose, purpose. What is my purpose? I heard of so many different answers already. But what I need is a twist. A big twist. I can feel it so close to me. It feels that it just surrounds me. It is around me. But every time I try I always come short.

My two best friends hate me. I thought of reaching out and explain but I just don’t have the strength to deal with that. I am tired of reaching out and explaining. Anyway it was my fault. There was a valid reason to that but still, it was my fault. They hurt me before with a big deal of pain and why now they can’t just try to understand me? I am sorry to mention the past here but I just can’t help it. Why it should always be me who needs to fix things?

And Gracia. I always think of her, worry about her. Worry that I know she wants more time with me and I am trying. It might be that I am not trying enough. Or I am not inspired enough because I am losing my will to carry on to try harder. I am stretching my efforts to the sense that…no, I am not saying it right. Words are not forming rightly. I might be misunderstood and I don’t want another round of explaining. I am running out people to turn to. And I am afraid to say that I am seriously feeling tired.

Again I know it is a process, a process that I need to go through as always told to me. I wish I could just jump from today to the future where everything is already happening. But time and fate are wiser than me that there is no way I could fool them.

What else do I need to do? Tell me, please. Another round of waiting? I sure think I could still do that. I just need to know what I could get from this. Is there an end to this? What is in the end of the line? Is it the pot at the end of the rainbow? Or…an empty basket that has a note which simply says, ‘Finish’.

I Uploaded 'Little Did She Know' In Youtube

I always sing songs that just come out from my mouth. Sometimes I am able to record them. Sometimes I don't. And this is one of them. It is about love that is true but not as expressed as what Gracia wants me to do. Please feel free to comment on my little song here. It is entitled Little Did She Know.