Is Crying

OK, it is still me―Fernand Yim. These past days I went through a series of transformation―that’s what I think. Well, I am thinking that because of so many changes going on in everything, I had a mechanical error. I can’t think of the right terms. I know I am not a machine. I am so aware of that. But it feels like that. I had an over-haul, which is if I am a vehicle. Well, let me give up on the explaining part.

I still have my best actor legal father. I cannot place my emotions when it comes to dealing with him and his situation. Believe me when I say that I tried everything I could to convince my self that he is sick which would explain his irritating―so irritating―attitude. He is now giving up on becoming a father to us which is very disappointing and so irritating.

The feeling is like he wants to put me on chains! Here I am again, with my emo self. I am so sorry. You see, I have my writing as an outlet as well. But don’t worry I can still manage. In fact, this morning, Mama, Nicalyn, and I were laughing our hearts out while pointing out our opinions to him. I don’t know what’s with him―my father. To think that whatever we are in right now is all his fault. Not that I am blaming him or whatever. My point is, he can’t just simply give up because he doesn’t like the outcome of his mistakes. For crying out loud, he is now fifty and he should be starting to act one!

OK, I think whatever personal plans I have, I need to set it aside and take over in our family. I am planning a family meeting anytime this week when everyone is present except him. I think when someone says that you cannot teach an old dog with new tricks, my father would need more than that. I am not saying I am starting to hate him but he is stealing everything from me. OK, I am the love child here and he came along to what? To my rescue and gave me the name I never wanted at all? I didn’t ask for it for crying out loud! I NEVER ASKED FOR IT! SO DON’T MAKE ME FEEL THAT I OWE YOU ALL MY LIFE! YOUR FAULT IS YOUR FAULT AND WE SHOULD NOT SUFFER ALL THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR FAULT! AND TO YOU MR. YIM, YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE A FATHER TO ME AT ALL. I TRIED SO HARD MANY TIMES BUT TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I NEED A BIG DEAL OF HELP TO FORGIVE YOU. YOU MADE THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE.

Breathe. I would not say sorry. Rolando, if you are reading me here at all, you want your father? Come on, take your father out of our house! For I am afraid that my last birthday will be the last that I would ever have!

I wish I could just cry and let it be cried away and be gone forever. I don’t like this. I don’t want this. Somebody please take me out of here…because I am so tired living the consequences of everybody’s fault. I am also a person. I also dream. I am fragile. I can also die. And it hurts.
I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

JUST FOR ONCE, STOP MAKING THOSE IRRITATING NOISES!!! YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!