The following is a personal entry. I don’t suggest you scroll down. I just need to express it. It is just that I need to. I don’t mean anything else. I might be misunderstood by the people I love. And if you’re one of them, please don’t read it.
I don’t know what’s happening to me. But recently, I was feeling like a robot. I was not feeling anything, like I was empty from the inside. It was not about another round of Ginger feeling. I am okay, in a sense that everything is still working as normal. I think I just want to be there and that place seems vague to me. It is not that I am now giving up. It is just that plans seem not enough. Talents, good intention, and prayers seem to run out of faith.
I just noticed I don’t write much recently. It is because I don’t want to record all my frustrations. I think I am not that good. I don’t think I even have a loyal reader. As a writer, the best feeling you could get is to know you have a reader. And there is so much more. I just don’t want to see a long list of…them here.
I’ll be fine, I know. I can make it. It’s just that I am running out of strength. I can’t be weak. I can’t be depressed. I can’t tell how dim it feels inside. It is because there are so many people who need to be cheered up first by me. There are so many important people who need to be my priority. But I can’t just pretend that I am completely fine. I know it would show in a way or another. I can’t tell that I am feeling this because someone is upset as well and needs to be comforted. I can’t just think of myself because I love my family so much that they should come first in my list. And for my personal dreams, it is only God who knows if they would remain a dream for the rest of my life.
Purpose, purpose, purpose. What is my purpose? I heard of so many different answers already. But what I need is a twist. A big twist. I can feel it so close to me. It feels that it just surrounds me. It is around me. But every time I try I always come short.
My two best friends hate me. I thought of reaching out and explain but I just don’t have the strength to deal with that. I am tired of reaching out and explaining. Anyway it was my fault. There was a valid reason to that but still, it was my fault. They hurt me before with a big deal of pain and why now they can’t just try to understand me? I am sorry to mention the past here but I just can’t help it. Why it should always be me who needs to fix things?
And Gracia. I always think of her, worry about her. Worry that I know she wants more time with me and I am trying. It might be that I am not trying enough. Or I am not inspired enough because I am losing my will to carry on to try harder. I am stretching my efforts to the sense that…no, I am not saying it right. Words are not forming rightly. I might be misunderstood and I don’t want another round of explaining. I am running out people to turn to. And I am afraid to say that I am seriously feeling tired.
Again I know it is a process, a process that I need to go through as always told to me. I wish I could just jump from today to the future where everything is already happening. But time and fate are wiser than me that there is no way I could fool them.
What else do I need to do? Tell me, please. Another round of waiting? I sure think I could still do that. I just need to know what I could get from this. Is there an end to this? What is in the end of the line? Is it the pot at the end of the rainbow? Or…an empty basket that has a note which simply says, ‘Finish’.
11 comments:
Hi, I've been feelin' down lately and I kept thinking on how LIFE is and it dawned to me: How do other people think about their life as well? And I thought, the most truthful remark that I can get from tehm will be their last words, right? So I'm trying to compile last farewells or people and I want to know how your goodbye would be as well. Don't worry, I'm not that morbid, I just thought it would be fun!
Be expecting a note from you, dearest.
Check this site as well :)
http://lastfarewells.blogspot.com/
u can count on me,im just around the corner..
-mine
hi fernand -
all things well in the end - that's what im trying to tell myself recently - hay... kung alam mo lang what im going through right now, you'll realize how blessed you are to have all the people that who care for you at your side. just keep writing - im here to read - hehe
cheer up. =)
jhe pala to - forgot to include my name.. hehe
Thank you so much Mine, I am so happy to have you as my friend.
Hi Jhe,
What a surprise to have you left a beautiful message here. I miss you already. Thank you for the message. I will remember that. Thank you ulit.
Yes Veronika, I'll check on your blogs one of these days. I think that is an interesting topic. I'll visit the other site you have real soon.
“The road to success is not straight.
There is a curve called Failure,
a loop called Confusion,
speed bumps called Friends,
red lights called Enemies,
and caution lights called Family.
For sure you will experience flats in your Job,
but if you have a spare tire called Determination,
an engine called Perseverance,
an insurance called Faith and
if GOD is your driver,
you will make it to your desired destination called Success.
Sometimes the journey may get bumpy and slow.
But remember, you won’t get from here to there without embarking on a trip.
So don’t forget to fasten your seatbelt and enjoy the ride.”
Boss,
You may be in an awful situation right now. Your goals may seem unreachable. But I just want to share this wisdom I got from a book of Jackie Guerra:
Don't over complicate things, life is simple. You're either laying new foundation or you're building upon what you've got. Life is a process of building & that you're not finished, YOURE UNDER CONSTRUCTION.
Oist, check this out nan.
http://www.authspot.com/Plays/Alive-Yet-Not-Living.875083
hehe, publish ulit...
sign up ka triond, you get paid whenever someone reads your post :)
Hey Lex,
Were those messages from you? Wow, thank you so much! You don't know how I appreciate them. It means a lot to me. Thanks!
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