Puzzling Changes

I finally signed my new contract with Sykes. I am, of course, very happy about it. I am really happy with everyone I am working with right now. TMs on the floor are cool, especially Ms. Shee and Boss Ivor. Even Ms. Agatha is cool. They are like kids sometimes. They are so funny. We always have fun on the floor. I know I should be very thankful for these blessings I have right now and I am.

Just a quick summary of changes, physical changes, I had gone through this first quarter. In February I had my hair cut to Semi-kalbo. Just last week I had my hair colored. Then just this Sunday, I had my first earring. I thought it was cool. Then I bought some exciting clothes from, ehem, ukay-ukay, laughs! I never thought that it could be fun buying clothes from ukay-ukay. There were many great items there that, believe it or not, I had a hard time choosing which would be the best item to buy. You know, I am on a budget, can’t buy them all at once.

Many had asked what was about this sudden change. I didn’t know what to say for an answer. Not that I was running out of words to say. I just don’t have any specific reasons why I am doing this now. I am just enjoying myself with all this little transformation. That’s it. And it is fun.

The first time they asked me why I colored my hair, I simply told them that it was an allergy, that I ate something really bad. They would just laugh at that. When I got my first earring, Dian joked that by the next time we meet on the floor, I might have already a tattoo. I laughed at that. I even joked back by saying, that was a good suggestion. Honestly, I don’t know what is going on. There must be something that I have not yet come to realize. Maybe soon I’ll find out what it is all about. Hopefully it is not something bad.

And speaking of changes, there are some people on the floor who have changed. I don’t know. It is like there are some people who secretly hate me. I don’t like it. Especially, when you are considering them as friends. Like May and Blue. I don’t know but it is like they are avoiding me or something. I know I am not imagining this, I can feel it that something made them act like that towards me. And something is wrong, I know it because I can feel it. I wish I could know. And I wish I could do something about it.

Right now everything seems plain, almost dead. That’s weird, right? Being happy and feeling dead don’t fit together. Last Saturday I had a dream, no, I was sleeping and awake at the same time. I knew I was in the process of dying that afternoon. I knew I was about to die. That is, if I let go. But I tried really hard not to let my soul leave my body. It was not yet the time. I am just starting to live. It is okay to die but not now, not this time when everything is becoming beautiful.

I want to spend a life with Gracia. I want to have a family, have children. Two would be fine. I want to be a writer, a best-selling one. I want to spend a real good time with Mr. Yim. I want to hear him say sorry, really sorry about being not that strong enough to fight for me. I want to make Mama’s secret dreams come true. I want to achieve something, something that would make my family so proud of me. I want to see Psyche graduate from college. I want to do something big for my LORD God. Something that even if none of my dreams comes true, as long as I could fulfill the gift that was given to me, that will be enough.

There is this calling that I can’t still figure out what exactly it is that I keep on ignoring. It is because I am afraid. I have a feeling that it is too big for me to handle. Err, I might sound crazy writing all these stuff here, laughs! Anyway, something spiritually powerful is in the process. The more I ignore it, the more I commit mistakes. Sometimes I feel so bad that I am starting to hate myself. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I feel like I need to go somewhere far in my past, like something unfinished left there that I need to fix. It is hard to explain. It is like there is something that wants me. Sometimes I just want to cry for no reason at all. Sometimes I thought I am happy but I am not. Sometimes I want to write something that I don’t know yet what that is, then I’ll be spending many hours in front of our computer without any complete sentence coming from my fingertips. It is all bland. So many things going on, I know there are all connected to each other. But they are so confusing that I get tired and just leave them there, untouched.

I know it is just another day in my life. Tomorrow I might be fine.

And there is more…I want to be FERNAND YIM.