Versus

Alfred asked me if I am loyal or faithful. I looked at him blankly for some quick seconds while searching for the right answer in my head. I thought of Gracia. Then I heard myself say, “Faithful.” Alfred seemed very satisfied to hear my answer. That one word kept echoing in my head until I returned to taking calls.

When I was in college, one of my favorite professors, Ms. Reyes, explained the difference between the words innocence and ignorance. I remembered her asking why it felt better to be innocent than being tagged as ignorant. Some of us tried to explain it by ourselves. Many had given really interesting answers. Then Ms. Reyes gave away her explanation. Innocence is when you don’t know the things you DO NOT NEED TO KNOW. On the other hand, ignorance is when you don’t know the things YOU SHOULD KNOW.

The other day, I had a call, when I overheard Alfred talking to Elve Jane. He said he was not expecting but hoping. I couldn’t help but to ask him what was the difference between the two words. I can’t remember how he explained it to me. I think he said, when we expect, something is coming. It has been pre-arranged and there are facts that will support that it will happen. It is more concrete and there is assurance that whatever it is, to some point, it SHOULD happen. And when we say hoping, it is more associated with your faith. You are not sure if it will come or if it will happen. You alone are wishing that it WOULD happen.

When I heard that, I came to a realization that hoping is more painful than expecting. It is because in expecting, at least you have a definite span of time to let waiting go into process and you know when it will be over. In hoping, it could be forever or more than forever. You don’t know when the time you should stop hoping. And every day, the pain is swelling until it consumes all the logic that is left in your system. Then one day you would wake up with one question in your head. Why? You search for the reason for hoping then you couldn’t find it anymore. That’s very painful. When you couldn’t remember anymore the reason why you are hoping. Or what you are hoping for.

Now I am a regular employee of Sykes. The second step is over. Now I need to get the third step done. Another waiting game.

I met Gracia last night. We missed Valentine’s Day. I was late. My fault. Not really but it was my fault. I knew she was a little mad already. Like me, she hates the waiting game. But life is full of that, need to deal with it. As time went by, we started filling in each other with updates about our working lives. It went fine. I was hoping that when we took that bus to San Pablo, we would be sitting next to each other. I needed that moment, to be next to her. To feel her, to smell her. No one needed to talk. Just being together would be enough. All worries would be gone. Just us. So unfortunately we had to take different seats. From time to time, I was checking on her. Until I fell asleep. I had a dream. A very quick dream. When I woke up I couldn’t remember it anymore. I just knew I had a dream. And before I woke up I knew I said YES in my dream. When I opened my eyes, I was looking straight right into Gracia’s little eyes and I heard myself say YES.