Honesty: The Search In The Woods

Last night, I didn't have a shift, I was feeling this desperate need to talk to someone, to a friend. I was trying to sleep for a couple of hours and then pick the yearbook at PUP. Part of the plan was to meet Gracia along the way. I knew that even if she was tired and all that, she would make a time for me. She's always like that. The more she treats me so good, the more I feel guilty. Guilty because I was not able to do the same thing before when she needed me. I think she's stronger than me. Plus the fact that she has enough career troubles to keep her hands full. I am not helping her and so why bother her. I don't want to add to her already busy life. I don't know. I feel like it is not right to say these things here. I am her boyfriend. She is my girlfriend. And I love her. We love each other. But, maybe because of this love, I am always after her convenience. You know what I mean? I don't think she would like reading this. Anyway I was not able to sleep, not even had a chance to pick the yearbook.

I thought of Comy. But he was not replying to my text messages. I thought of Jeff but the idea of telling him about my current issues, or old issues that have a comeback to my life now, seemed not a good idea. Not really judging him but knowing Jeff, I don't think that he could say something to at least un-burden my issues.

Then I thought of Jae Em or Ramon. However, I knew they are really busy with their own lives now and I don't think they were the right ones to talk about it. I don't want them to convince themselves more that I only remember them whenever I have problems.

I thought of Arnel as well. However, with our love-triangle before with Gracia, I don't think he would love to talk to his former best friend and rival. Oh, too much stories. Painful stories. Why life can't just be easy?

So I went to Walter Mart to see Maan. I knew she would be very happy to see me. She works there in Picture City. We had some issues before but those were not important anymore. So I went there. As expected, she was very happy and surprised to see me. It was a little weird to have this small conversation with her while she was working with people, or customers, listening to us. Some were even making some comments. Err.

Before I even started telling her my purpose, she already revealed the news right away. She is two-month pregnant. Quick calculation, they did it way back in December. I knew that part was not important but that was what I was thinking while she was giving away the details, not the 'details' of doing that, you know what I mean.  So how could I get in to her happy world, with his irritating boyfriend who is already married anyway and already had a kid, when jealousy was creeping in? So I waved goodbye and walked away. Bad timing. So bad timing.

I spent some more time strolling around in the mall, hoping to meet someone, maybe an old friend, an old classmate or a schoolmate, or someone I just could talk to. Instead of any of these, there were so many scary and disgusting leeches around that I decided to just leave the cool place. Another failure. So I was there, walking all by myself in Crossing. So sad and miserable. There were people who had their friends with them; did they know how lucky they were? I went to Beanstalk and no one was there.

Hours passed by and there I was, sitting alone while drinking a can of Red Horse, thinking of so many things. I was wishing I could get drunk and forget for a while. That's my problem, I think too much.

I saw a street kid. He saw a whistle from a garbage bag. He was curiously inspecting his newly found toy. He blew it. I wished I could stop or prevent him from doing that because it was dirty. But I saw him happy with it. I felt so sorry for him. I wished I could do something for him. Then I remembered myself. Compared to him, I thought he was luckier. I wished I could find my own whistle that would make me happy. I think I had walked from Crossing to Bucal and from Bucal to Crossing like three times. That way I thought I could lose the tension so that I could finally go home. The bulge in my pants was getting so irritating. End of it was me by the fields, doing it alone. My revelation. Signing out.