Old Bad Fear

Recently when I realized how I was reacting to each day, I mean, the 'highly caffeinated thing', I just now come up to the reason behind it. I am disturbed by the most recent fear that I just re-discovered. It is like it was sleeping all along and now, it is preparing its way to grasp the life out of me...again.

I don't want this. I don't want writing something like this. I had decided that I would be writing no more drama here. But here I am again, doing the same old thing.

It is about my recent dreams. When I was sleeping, my emotions were so active and more real than it had been before. Sometimes when I already woke up, the dreams along with the fear, they were being carried on to my reality. I was trying to get hold of it, not letting my emotions to get the better of me. I kept telling myself that I learned enough, that I am now a new strong person. Nothing, or no one, could beat me down. No way that I would let anyone of them to take whatever I have now. But I am just so weak and fearful.

My fears couldn't be hidden anymore. He will come back. Or maybe he has already come back. I am just not aware of it yet. He is taking my place again. I am having a hard time again to trust the people around me. It is too painful to admit that I am doubting everyone, my family included, once again. It is not good. I know there is still a chance to stop my worst fear from completing its shape. Hopefully there is still enough time, or enough strength to go through all this again.