Just what happened...

Every time I'm feeling down, something good comes my way! God really knows how to cheer up His children. I feel so good now. There is one person who always makes me very happy no matter how lonely I get. I am not gonna mention her name but I want to say that I am always thankful.

Also, I like to say here that I am happy with the friendship I have with Alex. She really can relate to my feelings. That something good knowing.

And also I like to do some reporting of what I did these last few days.

1. Getting Lost In SM Lipa

The Sunday before the last Sunday, I met my friends in SM Lipa. That day was really scary. I was told by Comy that we would meet at SM Lipa. I texted him that I would be there at 3pm. So he was expecting me. All I got that day was enough to make a trip to Lipa. While on the bus on my way there, I decided to turn off my phone so that I could save some battery. When I got there, feeling excited, I turned on the phone and found out that it was broken. I didn't know what exactly happened. It just couldn't turn on. I was nearly panicking because I didn't have any access to communicate with any of them! To think that I did not have any money with me, I felt like going crazy srolling around the mall, feeling so lost.

However, I was confident that Comy wouldn't leave without seeing me, that my only hope. He had to see me. I was thinking of borrowing phone from a stranger so I could insert my Sim Card, so unfortunately there was no number saved in Sim Card! So I started...ehem...panicking.

Good thing I saw them, Comy and Gracia. I was on the second floor calling Gracia's name at the top of my lungs while seeing them walking down on the first floor. I was looking stupid that time, I know, and you know what? I ran after them until I realized I lost them. I was thinking I might be imagining that time. I worried some more.

More adventure in the mall until I saw Comy again, this time he was alone. I was again on the second floor. I gave my best scream, lol, and good thing he turned to my direction. It was funny because he did not really hear me at all. He just felt that he should there, to my direction. I felt so relieved.

Lessons:

I learned how important the role of communication in our lives. Suddenly I realized how good we have cellphones today. And always remember to have back-up for all the numbers of your friends so you can still use the phone booth.

I also discovered the power of true friendship. I found out how real friedns really feel each other even without cellphones!

2. The Fiesta

It was sad that after the hide-and-seek in the mall, only the three of us made an effort to meet again. Arnel made excuses, lame excuses. Jeff was still mad about what happened with his birthday. Jerlie and Hersan were both busy, eh? And Darwin....

Okay, we were trying to have fun together. However something was just not right. Gracia was really strange. Many times I was talking to her and she was like she didn't know that I was talking to her. I was offended many times but it was okay. Maybe she was still hurting or, I don't know.

Anyway we had a good time, though. Comy was really funny. Yet something I missed a lot that we used to share together before. So sad when I was going home.


3. Nothing much happened after that Sunday except a long week silence. I am starting to miss them. But I better give them the time they need to grow apart from us, from each other. Last Sunday, I received a text message from Jeff, he wanted to see me so that he could get his Polo from me. Just that. I was so hurt. I am starting to hate him.

That's all for now. I have to do some researching.

Give Starting A Try

At this very moment I am not at home. I am spending most of this week in a friend's house.

I get always irritated every time Mama reminded me of getting a real job. Of course I know what she is really trying to say. I really wanted to be working and helping my family, especially in surviving our financial challenges. I am trying. I did everything I thought I could do. I know it is not right for me to say that I already tried everything because there is still so much in life I could try. But I am not that strong, at least not always. It is frustrating when people you love the most in the world who should be the source of your strength and inspiration become your constant reminder that you are a loser.

I know my mistakes and weaknesses. I don't need people to remind me of those. I know them. What I need is someone who will not just tell me good stuff and all that, but someone who understands that I have my downs in life, that as much as I want to start again it is never that easy. It is because no matter how much I like to start again, I can't find my hope and faith as it used to be like before. I had been broken. I am not the whole person I used to be before. I fear of so many things now. I don't trust myself anymore.

Every time I try to start again, I tremble in fear of losing again. I always feel that what happened before would happen again. I feel like I am contaminated, sick, and hopeless. I know I am not alone on this. I know there are people who are so willing to help me, but I just can't give trusting another try.

I don't know what really I must say here. I feel like I always do the wrong things. It is so upsetting to feel you don't belong here or in anywhere. It is as though I am in a constant battle of getting a piece of place where I will feel belong to. I wish no more Ginger Allergy. I'm tired of it. I need to move on. I need something I could start with. I need to get a new life. I need to start again. But how?

Many people say different things, books are trying to help. I pray a lot like I never did before. But something is not right. I think it is me. Don't worry...I'm still doing everything I can to give starting a try.

Kaya Pa? Kaya!

I made a promise to Janette that I would go Manila to take pictures of the landmarks around LRT and MRT early this week. I don't know if the saying, "Promises are made to be broken" is a curse because I was not able to do it until Thursday. The challenge was that the only amount I had that day was enough to make my trip to Manila. The thought of that I was totally clueless of where I should start was another thing I thought a brave man could do. It was "Bahala Na". Of course I was not that stupid enough to go there without plans. Thank God I had a friend who was so willing to help me.

I took a bus to LRT. I was so restless on my seat, making sure I wouldn't be lost. Goodness's sake, I couldn't afford to get lost in a polluted city like Manila. I dropped off at Central Station. I asked first the guard on duty if he could help me. Then he referred to a supervisor(?) who really tried helping me. It was really confusing to ask different people who were giving scratching-their-heads kind of answers. So I decided to go to the Manila City Hall.

When I was there, the impressive City Hall from the outside was quite disappointing from the inside. I realized that it really did represent what kind of city Manila is. It hurt to accept this fact. However, the staffs working inside were very friendly and helpful. I was in a rush because it was almost lunch time. I couldn't just wait there. Time was running out. I had to at least finish one station that day. It was so hot and, err, too much pollution around me. I don't know why there is a thing called government for so many years and it seemed like they couldn't do anything about it. If they could not do anything about it, then how about removing government from it's positon?

After talking to some more people, I felt that there was finally something. I was told about Mehan Garden, Liwasang Bonifacio, and Intramuros. When I saw Mehan Garden, I was expecting of a really beautiful garden. Sadly, I was actually welcomed by homeless people who found a new home there. I didn't have a problem with that except for one thing, the smell of the place. It was like they had also found a comfort room in every corner of the place. I decided to let go of the Mehan Garden from my list. My heart was so disappointed.

My next stop was the Liwasang Bonifacio. It was really impressive. I had a better picture of it from a quite a distance. I did some notes about it. For better look, I got closer and, err, the area was full of sh*t! What kind of people Manila does have? Is this how they give tribute to our national heroes?

And finally, the Intramuros. Suddenly I forgot about my disappointments. To be honest,






-to be continued-

Writing To Sleep

I don't know what to write. I can hear the birds outside my window, singing their love for each other. My eyes feel so sleepy. I find it hard to do something I really like doing because nothing is coming out of my mind.

I feel like I am lost somewhere. My spirit is left hanging in the air. If you think my case is helpless, then I might be helpless.

I think of people. Of many people. Of my friends. I wonder how they are doing, do they miss me a bit?

Sometimes, no, what I suppose to say is many times, I feel like surrendering. To whom or to which and why? Arg, I don't have any answers. Maybe that is why I want to surrender. It is because there is nothing left for me to fight for. I am a loser. And losers don't fight anymore. They are just like that. Losers forever. So why to fight? If you know what are you gonna end up like...which is a loser. So I better stop for now...And sleep. Forget for awhile...
June 2, 2008