My Name Is Fernand Yim: February 2008

Still Breathing

My life seems at a slow pace right now. I am still waiting for Janette to say something. I am afraid that she doesn't want to work with me anymore. I hope not.

Couple of nights ago, Gracia called me. It was a relief. But when I think about the many things I told her, I feel so uncomfortable about it. I think there were things that I should never have told her. It is not that I don't trust her. I think there is a part of me who is guilty. A part of me who wants to protect Mama. It aches my head to think about it.

Last night, Nicalyn just arrived, went upstairs, into our room. There she cried and cried. I wanted to be positive, to do so many things for her, for this family but it seems like I always come short. I know she was afraid. And so did I. I am very afraid. I feel so helpless, so useless. God I really need You. I need You like I never needed You this much before. God I want to cry for this! I feel like giving up. I don't want to listen anymore. Please don't let it be a cancer. Please don't. God I love You. Please tell me what to do. Tell me what I have to give up so You would listen to me. Please don't hate me so much. I believe in You. I believe You are a fair and loving God. I am so sorry if I said something wrong here. I can't think right anymore.

Nicalyn, the one wearing necktie. God, keep her safe...

I want to think of the worst thing, or sin I ever did that should I deserve it. I am so tired thinking of people to blame for this, for this lifetime curse.

I feel like wanting to close many doors. I hate questions. I feel so alone. I know You are doing something, I know You are listening. I know You are there, You are everywhere. I know You understand me. I know You love me. Please teach me of many things I have to learn, to know. Give me the strength I am needing now. Give me hope so that I could start believing again.

-Fernand Yim

Nearer My God To Thee

It is not the video. It is the music, Never An Absolution. I don't know but I really love this musical piece. It lifts my soul up to a very far place where I could forget. It is like a birth for a new life. I feel like I am flying, floating, and there...feel like I would be lost any moment. I am always thrilled with the idea of getting lost someday. It is like...oh I don't know how to explain this. It is like an absolute happiness where there are no worries, no more pain, no more sad memories, where I don't have to explain, where I am free.

When I close my eyes I imagine myself floating into the space, jumping from cloud to cloud. I feel so light that it feels alright to let the wind blow me away and discover what is there that I do not know yet. It is like I am a breath, I am the air. Sometimes, I know it sounds so foolish, I feel like I am an angel. An angel who begs to be home. When I think of that place, the place I call home, there is a an inexplicable peace I can feel. It is like heaven if I might dare to say.

Many times I want to talk to God before His feet. I want to touch Him, to feel Him with my hand. And when I think of it, it feels like the life after death. But I don't want to die yet, I don't know.

I feel numb, like I am empty from within. I know there are so many things, so many of them that I feel so uncomfortable naming them here, that I am missing. I met a friend yesterday. She told me I have choices. I have so many choices to choose from. It takes a strong will to let yourself to a complete surrender. Sometimes I just want to cry. I want to complain. I feel so tired. I want to take a break, I want to lay myself to rest. It is not about dying this time. It is something else.
When I think of all of my friends, from the beginning of my journey, I feel like crying, missing them, and I realized I have lost so many of them. And now, I feel like I am doing it again. It is not me who is deciding what to do. I believe and I know it is not me. So help me Dear God, to learn to surrender all myself to You. Please lead me to Your feet, to Your place. I want to rest.

To you all, Salamat.

-Fernand Yim

Help me, Lord...

HIndi ako naniniwala sa Chinese Horoscope. Pero sabi daw ngayong Year of the Rat, taon daw ito ng pagbabago. Well, there, I believe there had been so much changes just this January in my life. It was too much that I couldn't react, I don't know what should I do, or think. I know that I should have new plans now, but at the moment, nothing is clear...I am not saying that I am losing hope or anything like that. I don't think I deserve any of this. I am still wondering why there are people who are so evil. I never thought that they do exist in real life! Kala ko sa mga telenovelas lang sila nag-i-exist. Well, mali pala ako. Anyway, magalit man ako sa kanila ay wala ng mangyayari, I lost my job already. I thought that could be the worst thing that could happen to me, at least for the first quarter of this year. Mali pala ako. Nagsisimula pa lang pala ako humarap sa mga panibagong laro ng buhay. Mga nakakamatay na laro.

1. I lost my job. Marami pang mga maling balita about me ang umiikot sa dati kong trabaho. May mga pinanganak siguro talagang magaling magsinungaling. O baka napabayaan ng mga magulang kaya lumaking napakasama. O baka anak yun ng demonyo. I am so sorry for this word, alam ko na kahit gaano pa kawalanghiya ang taong tinutukoy ko dito hindi pa rin ito tama, ang magsabi ng masamang bagay sa kapwa tao mo. Pero hindi ko mapigil sarili ko. Kulang pa nga ito.

2. Chris, after re-unting with us, mukhang hindi siya makakatulong sa amin. Mukhang magdadagdag pa siya ng panibagong mga problema.

3. Ngayon ko lang na-realize talaga na hindi ko na kilala si Jose. Hindi na niya talaga ako tinuturing na kaibigan. Ang bigat sa loob ko na kung kelan nagyayari ang mga ito saka pa siya naging estranghero. Wala na ang mga dati kong kaibigan.

4. Nung last Friday, kasama ko ang eightmiles, lima lang kami. Sina Gracia, Jeff, Comy, Arnel, at ako. Uminom kami. Nagsabi ng mga nararamdaman, o baka ako lang ang nagsabi ng mga nararamdaman ko. Siyempre naging supportive sila. Nag-set na pala sila ng bagong deal na hindi ko nalalaman. Silent mode daw muna kami. Kung hangang kailan, walang makapagsabi. Alam ko na marami akong nasasaktang tao kasi hindi ako makapag-explain. Napapagod na ako. Ayoko ng isang demanding na relasyon. Nahihirapan lang ako. Tama na ang pagkukumpara sa akin at sa ibang tao. Nagsasawa na rin ako. Siguro paikot-ikot nga lang talaga ang takbo ko. Hindi ko iyon ginugusto. Sino ba naman ang tangang tatakbo ng paikot-ikot na walang dahilan?

Kung kelan ko sila mas kailangan saka nila ako iiwan. Selfish siguro ako. Sorry kung hindi ko maibigay ang gusto ninyo. Kala ko naiintindihan na kasi ninyo. Hindi ko puwedeng maramdaman ito, iyon...hindi ako puwede gumawa nito o anuman, eto ang dapat kong gawin...napapagod na ako. Iisa lang ako. Isa lang ako.

5. After nung sa eightmiles, nagpunta ako sa breakfast meeting ng Batch 85, wala daw dun kasi si Aby. Ewan ko kung naglolokohan lang kami at nandun siya. At sang katutak na mga plastic na tao. Actually natutuwa naman ako kasi maraming totoong tao ang nagpunta doon.

6. Si Nicalyn. Ang kapatid kong si Nicalyn. Matagal na niyang idinadaing ang cyst niya sa right breast niya. Nagiging moody na nga siya. Madalas napaka sensitive na niya. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong gawin. Lahat kami sa bahay ay on denial. Ewan ko. Bakit kailngang mag-explain ako? Sige nga bakit? Para may maawa sa akin tapos hindi rin naman pala ko maiintindihan? Ayoko na. Ayoko na talaga.

7. Si Tatay. At si Tatay pa rin. Ewan ko, hindi ko alam kung kelan ko talaga siya mapapatawad.

Bahala na...