Give Starting A Try

At this very moment I am not at home. I am spending most of this week in a friend's house.

I get always irritated every time Mama reminded me of getting a real job. Of course I know what she is really trying to say. I really wanted to be working and helping my family, especially in surviving our financial challenges. I am trying. I did everything I thought I could do. I know it is not right for me to say that I already tried everything because there is still so much in life I could try. But I am not that strong, at least not always. It is frustrating when people you love the most in the world who should be the source of your strength and inspiration become your constant reminder that you are a loser.

I know my mistakes and weaknesses. I don't need people to remind me of those. I know them. What I need is someone who will not just tell me good stuff and all that, but someone who understands that I have my downs in life, that as much as I want to start again it is never that easy. It is because no matter how much I like to start again, I can't find my hope and faith as it used to be like before. I had been broken. I am not the whole person I used to be before. I fear of so many things now. I don't trust myself anymore.

Every time I try to start again, I tremble in fear of losing again. I always feel that what happened before would happen again. I feel like I am contaminated, sick, and hopeless. I know I am not alone on this. I know there are people who are so willing to help me, but I just can't give trusting another try.

I don't know what really I must say here. I feel like I always do the wrong things. It is so upsetting to feel you don't belong here or in anywhere. It is as though I am in a constant battle of getting a piece of place where I will feel belong to. I wish no more Ginger Allergy. I'm tired of it. I need to move on. I need something I could start with. I need to get a new life. I need to start again. But how?

Many people say different things, books are trying to help. I pray a lot like I never did before. But something is not right. I think it is me. Don't worry...I'm still doing everything I can to give starting a try.