Showing newest 27 of 29 posts from November 2007. Show older posts
Showing newest 27 of 29 posts from November 2007. Show older posts
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Unhappy Tears
I think that's how life really is. You can't have it all. In one way or another, you have to let go of the most precious person, or a thing, not because you want to, but that's what life is forcing you to do. It hurts to discover many things, many relationships had changed. I hope it keeps on changing until we find each other again, understanding, forgiving, and loving. It hurts a lot. Like you want to blame somebody for this, for this pain. You have thought of many people. You have reasons to put the blame, the hate on someone else. But in the end, you will realize, it is you who is responsible for everything. I am getting tired of getting caught into the web of unhappiness. Someone special to me told me once; I don't know how to appreciate the people, the feelings, everything around me. I was always looking for something I don't have. That is the reason why I couldn't be happy. I understood the point. I actually agreed on that. But the more I thought about it, something in me, something I don't know how to explain, and something is telling me it has to be that way. I am tired of explaining myself. I don't have the energy to tell it all. I don't know. If I am hurting people because of what I did, I am sorry. Although I know sorry will never be enough. I understand that. I, myself, don't believe in sorry. I like silence better. Solitude gives me peace, freedom of being still, being calm. Whatever I say here, it might make no sense to you. But...I don't know. This is not what I want things to be like, if I'm hurting people, I'm hurting myself as well. Unhappy tears for me.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
To Alexis Marianne B. Africa
Lex...I feel so alone. I feel so sad, like the claws of darkness from the deepest of the unknown pit of hell have found me, and it clasped me, squeezing life out of my withering body. It is as if I am now willing to go...far from here. It's funny to think I am so alive yet the feeling is like I have been dead long time ago. I feel so weak. Like dying if you let me to say so. Like I can't listen to anything that I could believe into again. Because I know it won't help me at all. It would just give me false hope. It would make me hopeful, dreamy again for awhile, then when I'm overflowing with joy, Fate has its way to take it away from me in such a quick pace that even the time could not compete with. Why am I feeling this? Why everything could go wrong suddenly when you were told things were just fine a minute ago? Why I feel I am always the one to lose? Why am I always in a rush? In a big lifetime rush? Why I cannot stop myself from falling apart? Why I cannot give up my dream when I know things are not really working the way they should be? SOS.
-Fernand Yim
-Fernand Yim
Disturbed
I feel so alone today. I had thought of many people, rather my friends, whom I was thinking of inviting out. I don't know. I am thinking, thinking more now. Why things like this should happen? I thought everything was just starting out fine, so much fine actually. I just realized how lies could change people, could destroy everything you had. It's painful. I really appreaciate Ania. She is really honest. I like that so much about her. She doesn't hide her feelings. She is true to whatever she thinks is right. I can't blame her. Many times before, after that Sunday, to talk to her, actually not to her but to all the people I was badmouthed with. These people are piling up. Wow! And it makes me feel really sad. But I decided not to tell her anything anymore. What for? Besides I had already been judged. And knowing the wrong news is spreading really fast, thinking about the don't-tell-anyone, I'm wondering where the news is really coming from? Why it should happen? Is it to destroy my credibility so no one will care to listen to the truth I know? I don't care. I really don't care. No, I am lying. Of course I care. I care a lot. It is me who is being destroyed. It is me who is really suffering for something I only participated in. Whenever these people find out about the truth, and when they finally realize how stupid they had been, I hope they would never bother to say sorry to me, because I won't forgive...at least not that easy. It hurts a lot when everyone judges you for something they only heard from someone pretending to be asleep throughout those three courses. Everytime I walk in the hallway, anywhere at InfoNXX, I don't know how many people now are thinking bad about me. I pity those people. I am getting angry now. Really angry. Oh God, I don't know what to do! I am feeling hate now. So much hate. I don't want this. But it is here, growing in me. Why they should be like that? Don't they have their own will? I am so tired. Really tired.Not only my new found friends are losing, but 8miles as well. I know Gracia hates me now. Well, she has the right in all the world to feel all the hate she wants to feel for me. Com'on! Who else wants to hate me? Come on, hate me then! I hope I won't do something really crazy if I get really disturbed.Lord God, don't leave me. I feel safe with You. I feel protected. Feel understood. I don't have to explain to You, I know you understand, I know You believe me. Thank You for showing me who are my real few friends. And thank You for many more other things You had given me, and still giving me. I love You. I really love You. If this is Your way to teach me something, I would accept it. Take care of my family, take care of my real friends, take care of all of them. And please take care of me.
Monday, November 19, 2007
I Will Try Again
"What is ginger allergy? "
It irritates me realizing that this small question seems have already established a permanent place in my head. I don't know how many times I have repeated this question to myself while boarding an aircon bus going to my work. It may sound foolish yet it seems that a repetitive asking will eventually lead me to a satisfying answer. Frustration grows in me as if the answer, if ever there is, is echoing from afar which I don't even know from which direction to turn to.
The feeling is like there are tiny ants crawling underneath my skin. It gets itchier as it lingers longer. And scratching is no help at all, instead it can worsen the agony. Sometimes warm blood rushes to my face as I recall the joke I received from Mama, my brother, and my sister earlier today. That I'm going nuts! That I'm making up a problem. They could be right. Still it bothers me a lot.
Somebody nudges me. I turn my head from the bus window to this little girl with broad smile on her face. She is kneeling beside her sleeping mother behind the seat in front of me.
"Hi! " She greets in a very childish way. I simply smile. The young man sitting beside me gives the girl a more sincere smile than mine. "What is your name? " She asks me, innocence in her voice. My lips attempt another smile, silently wishing she stops asking questions. "How about you mister? " She turns to my seatmate. Poor little girl, she meets me in my sour mood. I have heard him murmur his name to her. She enjoys the attention. "I'm Sophia. This is Momma. I have also an uncle who is the best. His name is Uncle Kevin. We have a dog and two cats..." And she rants on and on.
Back to my thoughts, I remember my recent dream. In my dream, I met this boy as young as three years old. He had bruises and small and big wounds all over his body, from head to toe. He had the saddest face and the weakest body I had ever seen in my life. That easily put pain in my heart. His mother appeared beside us as instant as I thought of her. I asked the mother why he had so many wounds. As she explained the highlights of his life, her words had magically traveled us to the exact situation, complemented with the very exact emotion for each scene.
The most memorable part was when this kid locked himself in a comfort room, holding a big gun pointed against his young temple! I was told that he was tired and suffered enough so that he decided to die. Lucky he was that his mother was there to stop him.
"Is he sick? " I asked the mother. She said he had a ginger allergy. He felt so itchy all over even underneath his skin. The boy was so frustrated with the painful cancer-like itchiness inside his skull! Then I woke up with tears in my eyes. I was so emotional that I told about my dream to Mama, my siblings who were all watching afternoon shows on TV. I was so seriously relating my dream to them when they suddenly laughed all together before me! I was annoyed. But then, I found myself laughing with them, realizing I over-reacted to a dream. I decided the dream was trivial.
That was seven hours ago. Now I'm on the bus. Still the question never leaves my mind. I don't understand why my interest to know ginger allergy gets thicker and darker as the day surrenders to the night. I had already looked into dictionaries, encyclopedias, and some medical books we have at home. There was nothing about ginger allergy. I went on-line yet nothing showed up.
It's not funny anymore. That boy in my dream seems calling on me. It's weird, I know. So weird that it brings a scary chill up my spine. I so want to know ginger allergy and unfold its mystery.
I know it will not make me the richest man in the world. It will never bring me fame. I will never find my name listed in the book of the greatest discoverers this world had. It cannot stop the war happening in the world today. It cannot stop global warming or dimming. It cannot solve the problem of corruption in my country. It will not bring peace to the Philippines. I also know it will not help me become a successful writer. So what's the use of this? Why ask?
I suddenly think of my life. I'm twenty-three years old now. But, have I done something really worth-mentioning? Or at least, have I done something at all? I started writing since I was five or six. Those milk cartons used to be my first writing papers. This passion has grown into a powerful dream. Those years of empty living were finally over four years ago. Suddenly I have a reason to live. And that is to write. But where to start?
I am writing my life everyday. I had finished writing my first manuscript. Many people complimented my work. So many beautiful honest words made my confidence swell into pride. Last year, couple of months after graduation, when I was ready like I had never been before, I submitted my manuscript to a publisher with all my hopes, dreams, and soul. I started imagining those many meetings I would have to attend. Two days later, I received an e-mail containing my first rejection. It hurt a lot that it quickly shattered all that solid pride I planted in my head. I was so ashamed that I could not tell a word to anyone. Instead, I pretended to be the same strong person they always know. In a snap, I suffered alone.
"Do you have an uncle, too? " The girl inserts in. I look at her blankly. "What's your name? " She tries again. "I'm Sophia. " She says again, smiling.
I look away. I can feel the pain growing in me again. Why that rejection hurts a lot? Is it because that was the only way I could prove my worthiness? That I'm far better than simply being a love child? That it won't matter anymore even if I never had a father on my birth certificate? That it won't bother me again to remember my mother's dreams died when she married the man she didn't love? That all my angers for all those nights hearing my mother crying would be gone? That my step-brother who had ruined my life threatens to come back will no longer bring me fear? It took many years to build my confidence, one painful rejection killed it. How can I start again?
All of the sudden there is a lump in my throat, tears threaten to fall. I hide my face as much as I can. I don't want Sophia see me cry. I wouldn't stand the embarrassment she could cause me the moment she starts asking.
I'm more upset now. It surprised me to hear, like a reverie starting to live, what my sister told me. The boy in my dream represents me. Ginger allergy is depression. It kills people, young and old. Like what Paulo Coelho said in his book Veronika Decides to Die, lack of serotonin ( one of the substances responsible for how the human beings feel ) would sink the person into a permanent gloom which eventually lead to suicide. Am I lacking this substance?
Many times I wish I will never wake up again. Yet I still get up from a sleep. Sometimes I wish a stray bullet will find my skull and shoots through it. Yet nothing as weird as that happens. There are times I wish the bus will be held-up and the guy will kill me in the end. Or there will be bomb planted in the bus. Yet nothing like that happens. If I'm lucky or not, I don't know.
The bus is running in a great speed. From somewhere, a stone twice the size of my fist strikes into the glass window of the bus ( where I'm facing to ) flying by me. I have felt the force of the wind inches from the tip of my nose. The stone has hit the head of my seatmate. The impact is really serious but there is no blood. People start to panic. The driver has stopped the bus but it has ran pretty miles from the origin of the stone. Questions are asked. Sophia starts crying, her now awake mother is comforting her. Oh my God, the stone almost has hit me! What if it was me? The force would be harder and stronger. I'm a bit shocked that I can't say anything. I can't give any answers to any questions. My soul is floating to a place where I have never been before. The boy in my dream is reaching out to me. He is smiling, telling me something. I am not aware of what's going on in the bus. I don't even notice that we have been told to get out, that there are now policemen probing about the incident.
I have heard Sophia asked her mother, "Is he okay? Momma, he will be okay, di ba?" I want to say something to comfort her, but I don't know what to say. I feel guilty for not talking to her. She looks at me. Surprisingly she smiles at me with tears in her eyes. "How old are you? " I ask. She said four, showing her three little fingers. Strange it might be, but I smile and tell her that was three, I have shown her my four fingers and tell her, "This is four. " She smiles again, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. She shows me her four fingers and say, "Four. See, I can try again." I can try again...it seems to echo into my soul, hearing the voice of that boy in my dream. God, are you talking to me now? Are you giving me a message? God, I am so sorry! I don't mean to be weak. Let me listen to You. " What is your name? " Sophia asks me again. I want to thank her, I say, "I am Fernand Yim." And I will try again.
It irritates me realizing that this small question seems have already established a permanent place in my head. I don't know how many times I have repeated this question to myself while boarding an aircon bus going to my work. It may sound foolish yet it seems that a repetitive asking will eventually lead me to a satisfying answer. Frustration grows in me as if the answer, if ever there is, is echoing from afar which I don't even know from which direction to turn to.
The feeling is like there are tiny ants crawling underneath my skin. It gets itchier as it lingers longer. And scratching is no help at all, instead it can worsen the agony. Sometimes warm blood rushes to my face as I recall the joke I received from Mama, my brother, and my sister earlier today. That I'm going nuts! That I'm making up a problem. They could be right. Still it bothers me a lot.
Somebody nudges me. I turn my head from the bus window to this little girl with broad smile on her face. She is kneeling beside her sleeping mother behind the seat in front of me.
"Hi! " She greets in a very childish way. I simply smile. The young man sitting beside me gives the girl a more sincere smile than mine. "What is your name? " She asks me, innocence in her voice. My lips attempt another smile, silently wishing she stops asking questions. "How about you mister? " She turns to my seatmate. Poor little girl, she meets me in my sour mood. I have heard him murmur his name to her. She enjoys the attention. "I'm Sophia. This is Momma. I have also an uncle who is the best. His name is Uncle Kevin. We have a dog and two cats..." And she rants on and on.
Back to my thoughts, I remember my recent dream. In my dream, I met this boy as young as three years old. He had bruises and small and big wounds all over his body, from head to toe. He had the saddest face and the weakest body I had ever seen in my life. That easily put pain in my heart. His mother appeared beside us as instant as I thought of her. I asked the mother why he had so many wounds. As she explained the highlights of his life, her words had magically traveled us to the exact situation, complemented with the very exact emotion for each scene.
The most memorable part was when this kid locked himself in a comfort room, holding a big gun pointed against his young temple! I was told that he was tired and suffered enough so that he decided to die. Lucky he was that his mother was there to stop him.
"Is he sick? " I asked the mother. She said he had a ginger allergy. He felt so itchy all over even underneath his skin. The boy was so frustrated with the painful cancer-like itchiness inside his skull! Then I woke up with tears in my eyes. I was so emotional that I told about my dream to Mama, my siblings who were all watching afternoon shows on TV. I was so seriously relating my dream to them when they suddenly laughed all together before me! I was annoyed. But then, I found myself laughing with them, realizing I over-reacted to a dream. I decided the dream was trivial.
That was seven hours ago. Now I'm on the bus. Still the question never leaves my mind. I don't understand why my interest to know ginger allergy gets thicker and darker as the day surrenders to the night. I had already looked into dictionaries, encyclopedias, and some medical books we have at home. There was nothing about ginger allergy. I went on-line yet nothing showed up.
It's not funny anymore. That boy in my dream seems calling on me. It's weird, I know. So weird that it brings a scary chill up my spine. I so want to know ginger allergy and unfold its mystery.
I know it will not make me the richest man in the world. It will never bring me fame. I will never find my name listed in the book of the greatest discoverers this world had. It cannot stop the war happening in the world today. It cannot stop global warming or dimming. It cannot solve the problem of corruption in my country. It will not bring peace to the Philippines. I also know it will not help me become a successful writer. So what's the use of this? Why ask?
I suddenly think of my life. I'm twenty-three years old now. But, have I done something really worth-mentioning? Or at least, have I done something at all? I started writing since I was five or six. Those milk cartons used to be my first writing papers. This passion has grown into a powerful dream. Those years of empty living were finally over four years ago. Suddenly I have a reason to live. And that is to write. But where to start?
I am writing my life everyday. I had finished writing my first manuscript. Many people complimented my work. So many beautiful honest words made my confidence swell into pride. Last year, couple of months after graduation, when I was ready like I had never been before, I submitted my manuscript to a publisher with all my hopes, dreams, and soul. I started imagining those many meetings I would have to attend. Two days later, I received an e-mail containing my first rejection. It hurt a lot that it quickly shattered all that solid pride I planted in my head. I was so ashamed that I could not tell a word to anyone. Instead, I pretended to be the same strong person they always know. In a snap, I suffered alone.
"Do you have an uncle, too? " The girl inserts in. I look at her blankly. "What's your name? " She tries again. "I'm Sophia. " She says again, smiling.
I look away. I can feel the pain growing in me again. Why that rejection hurts a lot? Is it because that was the only way I could prove my worthiness? That I'm far better than simply being a love child? That it won't matter anymore even if I never had a father on my birth certificate? That it won't bother me again to remember my mother's dreams died when she married the man she didn't love? That all my angers for all those nights hearing my mother crying would be gone? That my step-brother who had ruined my life threatens to come back will no longer bring me fear? It took many years to build my confidence, one painful rejection killed it. How can I start again?
All of the sudden there is a lump in my throat, tears threaten to fall. I hide my face as much as I can. I don't want Sophia see me cry. I wouldn't stand the embarrassment she could cause me the moment she starts asking.
I'm more upset now. It surprised me to hear, like a reverie starting to live, what my sister told me. The boy in my dream represents me. Ginger allergy is depression. It kills people, young and old. Like what Paulo Coelho said in his book Veronika Decides to Die, lack of serotonin ( one of the substances responsible for how the human beings feel ) would sink the person into a permanent gloom which eventually lead to suicide. Am I lacking this substance?
Many times I wish I will never wake up again. Yet I still get up from a sleep. Sometimes I wish a stray bullet will find my skull and shoots through it. Yet nothing as weird as that happens. There are times I wish the bus will be held-up and the guy will kill me in the end. Or there will be bomb planted in the bus. Yet nothing like that happens. If I'm lucky or not, I don't know.
The bus is running in a great speed. From somewhere, a stone twice the size of my fist strikes into the glass window of the bus ( where I'm facing to ) flying by me. I have felt the force of the wind inches from the tip of my nose. The stone has hit the head of my seatmate. The impact is really serious but there is no blood. People start to panic. The driver has stopped the bus but it has ran pretty miles from the origin of the stone. Questions are asked. Sophia starts crying, her now awake mother is comforting her. Oh my God, the stone almost has hit me! What if it was me? The force would be harder and stronger. I'm a bit shocked that I can't say anything. I can't give any answers to any questions. My soul is floating to a place where I have never been before. The boy in my dream is reaching out to me. He is smiling, telling me something. I am not aware of what's going on in the bus. I don't even notice that we have been told to get out, that there are now policemen probing about the incident.
I have heard Sophia asked her mother, "Is he okay? Momma, he will be okay, di ba?" I want to say something to comfort her, but I don't know what to say. I feel guilty for not talking to her. She looks at me. Surprisingly she smiles at me with tears in her eyes. "How old are you? " I ask. She said four, showing her three little fingers. Strange it might be, but I smile and tell her that was three, I have shown her my four fingers and tell her, "This is four. " She smiles again, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. She shows me her four fingers and say, "Four. See, I can try again." I can try again...it seems to echo into my soul, hearing the voice of that boy in my dream. God, are you talking to me now? Are you giving me a message? God, I am so sorry! I don't mean to be weak. Let me listen to You. " What is your name? " Sophia asks me again. I want to thank her, I say, "I am Fernand Yim." And I will try again.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
The True Story
This week since last Sunday was...a big twist in my life. I still can't believe it really did happen. And it changed everything, well...almost everything. Like every event in our lives, it always offers good and bad things all together to teach you lessons, and sometimes, to reveal the true colors of people around you.
I always said before that Team 85 was the wonderful thing I had since I decided to live...again. I felt so lucky. It was like I was given the most beautiful gift, which a person like me, just starting to turn over a new leaf in his life, could I ever wish for - their friendship.
I am not going to put every detail here, like what I had promised to that person, just like what she promised to me, we should forget and no one should know. I decided not to defend myself anymore, although there are so much things I should say ( all facts ) because, it's a bit weird I know, but I like to protect that person somehow.
I was guilty not because I did it, or I better say, WE did it, but because it was against my values; and it was too risky for my personal goals in life. I am a young man. I know it will never be enough or valid reason to make out a point out of this statement, but that's how it is. We're both drunk, we should be both responsible for whatever we both liked to do that time. There were emotions involved and she knew it in the very first place. She knew that I was attracted to her. We, the whole team, had told our 'little secrets' to each other one time. She remembered that. She even said that she could even remember that little hint about my dream about her, she even said, " I won't forget that easy..." She wanted details of that dream. I tried giving her safe answers. However she insisted. Imagine, I was drunk, dreamy, and had to think sexually. I told her the dream was sexual. She even asked me to massage her. She is a very smart girl who is not innocent anymore. She knows a lot. About life, about learning things, socializing, and mature emotions. She could read meanings out of body movements, and she was full aware of the situation we were in.
It happened three times. The foreplay, let's say. Not the actual thing. She was awake. She was. She was responding to me. I should know. I'm not stupid, not even innocent to things like that. I knew the way a sleeping person breathe, faster and troubled. She was moaning. I was not the only person who heard her moans. This is telling you that I was not imagining. We even did hug each other while lying on our sides, facing each other...for minutes. When I say minutes...it's more than five to ten minutes. I think I have said enough. I want to remain those many things a secret story. The only reason why I am writing this here to tell to those people I did not do anything against her will. She wanted it, she pursued it, and she did it.
I don't care if you don't believe me. Why should I bother about something I only had participated in? We're not children anymore. We should not fight over a thing like this. I was so willing to shut my mouth from telling the true story like what I promised, believing she would do the same thing. Until one time, I realized people were now looking at me strangely, including my friend who is not her friend at all. I'm talking about here more than four people. She confronted me why should I tell to my friend about it? I said I needed to unload my feelings. Besides he is not her friend, he doesn't know her and he should not care at all. She asked me for a reason to it. She even made it clear to me that she only told it to a single person - our common friend. That was totally funny and so untrue. There is this person who always accompanies her most of the time whom she had told about the story or her story. Not only to that person but to another person who is also her friend. I understand her. It was part of her defense mechanism. And that's my point. These people I am talking about here are NOT my friends either. So why should I be questioned for something she already did? I don't understand the logic of her actions.
Why am I doing this now? Because I'm hurting. It's funny, I know. But losing your friends, losing the faith of people in you...that's already something. I was decided not to say anything to defend myself. But I couldn't let myself be destroyed by wrong information.
This week had picked out my real true friends out of the crowd. People who don't lie for selfish interest. It taught me lessons. And I feel blessed to know the colors of every people around me. Next time, I would be more careful.
I always said before that Team 85 was the wonderful thing I had since I decided to live...again. I felt so lucky. It was like I was given the most beautiful gift, which a person like me, just starting to turn over a new leaf in his life, could I ever wish for - their friendship.
I am not going to put every detail here, like what I had promised to that person, just like what she promised to me, we should forget and no one should know. I decided not to defend myself anymore, although there are so much things I should say ( all facts ) because, it's a bit weird I know, but I like to protect that person somehow.
I was guilty not because I did it, or I better say, WE did it, but because it was against my values; and it was too risky for my personal goals in life. I am a young man. I know it will never be enough or valid reason to make out a point out of this statement, but that's how it is. We're both drunk, we should be both responsible for whatever we both liked to do that time. There were emotions involved and she knew it in the very first place. She knew that I was attracted to her. We, the whole team, had told our 'little secrets' to each other one time. She remembered that. She even said that she could even remember that little hint about my dream about her, she even said, " I won't forget that easy..." She wanted details of that dream. I tried giving her safe answers. However she insisted. Imagine, I was drunk, dreamy, and had to think sexually. I told her the dream was sexual. She even asked me to massage her. She is a very smart girl who is not innocent anymore. She knows a lot. About life, about learning things, socializing, and mature emotions. She could read meanings out of body movements, and she was full aware of the situation we were in.
It happened three times. The foreplay, let's say. Not the actual thing. She was awake. She was. She was responding to me. I should know. I'm not stupid, not even innocent to things like that. I knew the way a sleeping person breathe, faster and troubled. She was moaning. I was not the only person who heard her moans. This is telling you that I was not imagining. We even did hug each other while lying on our sides, facing each other...for minutes. When I say minutes...it's more than five to ten minutes. I think I have said enough. I want to remain those many things a secret story. The only reason why I am writing this here to tell to those people I did not do anything against her will. She wanted it, she pursued it, and she did it.
I don't care if you don't believe me. Why should I bother about something I only had participated in? We're not children anymore. We should not fight over a thing like this. I was so willing to shut my mouth from telling the true story like what I promised, believing she would do the same thing. Until one time, I realized people were now looking at me strangely, including my friend who is not her friend at all. I'm talking about here more than four people. She confronted me why should I tell to my friend about it? I said I needed to unload my feelings. Besides he is not her friend, he doesn't know her and he should not care at all. She asked me for a reason to it. She even made it clear to me that she only told it to a single person - our common friend. That was totally funny and so untrue. There is this person who always accompanies her most of the time whom she had told about the story or her story. Not only to that person but to another person who is also her friend. I understand her. It was part of her defense mechanism. And that's my point. These people I am talking about here are NOT my friends either. So why should I be questioned for something she already did? I don't understand the logic of her actions.
Why am I doing this now? Because I'm hurting. It's funny, I know. But losing your friends, losing the faith of people in you...that's already something. I was decided not to say anything to defend myself. But I couldn't let myself be destroyed by wrong information.
This week had picked out my real true friends out of the crowd. People who don't lie for selfish interest. It taught me lessons. And I feel blessed to know the colors of every people around me. Next time, I would be more careful.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
The Story
Last Saturday morning was one of my happiest days at InfoNXX, we all graduated. Due to this, we planned to meet in Maki's place in Los Banos. Everyone was excited. I was with Aby on the shuttle. Cheenie was on my right side, Sailah was on her right. We were all seated at the back. It was really nice that people, these wonderful people, are my friends. I was really happy.
Jose Mari was texting me once in a while. But I didn't care that much anymore about him. I think his being my best friend doesn't apply anymore in my life. He never was a best friend to me. The reason why I am mentioning him right here is because, if only he 'is' still my best friend, I think I would not find it hard to find somebody to confide my emotional trouble right now.
I thought of Gracia. But she should be the last person to know. Or better, she should not know about any of this. She would be hurt. I don't want her to get hurt because of me. I have never been fair to her, so I don't think I have the guts to tell her anyway any of this.
8miles was always part of the first people I would like to talk to about my personal problems. But not this time. I tried it before with them, it was about a different thing and it didn't turn out that fine. It was because they are not only my friends, but Gracia's as well. So whatever wuold affect Gracia, it should not be the 8miles.
I thought of my newfound friends at InfoNXX, but they know the involved people. To cut it short, they are not the people I think should be talked about it.
And why i need someone to talk about it? Because it's a serious matter. Actually it's complicated. I do not know what will happen in the next coming days, and whatever happens, I want to tell it here, the real thing that happened. This is the truth.
Last Sunday, I was so excited. I went to Los Banos, at Olivarez. I met Sailah there. But before that, DC called me. She wanted me to go back to Calamba and meet them at WalterMart. So I went there. She was with Tim and Dan, her new boyfriend. Then I bought my assignments ( the Gin and the Kool Aid Strawberry flavor, like what Aby wanted ) and a roasted chicken. We waited for RZ, who was with Jason. We went to Picard, at Maki's place. Then Cheenie came with her husband. After some minutes, Sailah finally arrived with the palaka. Aby was with Vanet. We were almost complete. We started eating and drink a little. Then RZ and Jason left. After some time, Tim had to go with DC and Dan. An hour passed, Cheenie had to go with her husband. Aby, Sailah, and I were left at Maki's place.
I was drunk, and so Aby was. We were lying on our side, facing each other on Maki's airbed. We were talking about so many trivial things. It was nice talking with Aby. Yes, I was really about it. About the chance of being next to her that close. It was like a dream coming true. She was looking at me, I was looking at her. She was asking me about my petty text messages to her. I didn't know what to say. I just laughed everytime I couldn't give her my answer. She asked me about my dream about her. I said I couldn't tell her. She said why. I said it was...sexual. But she wanted details. I told her it could be whatever she and her boyfriend were doing. She asked me what was 'it' they were doing. I knew it was so obvious, right? She didn't have to dig into details. But she wanted me to tell more. Perhaps she was playing with me. And she was close - so close.
While we were talking I was getting close to her. Really close this time. I was touching her ears, her hair, circling my finger on her side neck. She liked it, I assumed because she didn't stop me at all. I went on touching her. I admit it that I was enjoying that as well. I felt so lucky. I was warm, hot actually. I could feel her skin, it was warm as well. The clues were there to tell me more. Maybe she was not seducing me deliberately but that's what was happening. Sailah entered the room and wanted to lay on the near the wall, that was Aby's part. But Aby insisted her to get the other side instead. She even said we were talking. It was nice to know she wanted more conversation with me. Sailah did what she said reluctantly. Then Maki took the space between me and Sailah. They ( Maki and Sailah ) went to sleep. Aby and I were still talking. Aby had her eyes close but I know she was still awake, she sometimes responded to my questions. And I could see the way she breathed. It was restless.
I touched her more. I even touched her ears with my lips. I dared even more. I explored my hands. I touched her. It took minutes, many minutes before I decided to get up and leave the bed before I went farther. I went to the Sala. I lay there, and slept. I woke up, still thinking of what I had already done. I was happy. I should be contented, but I wanted more. I went back, not to continue what I had started but to sleep with them. I hugged Maki to advert my thinking. But it was useless. I still thought of her. I tried to resist but the passion was stronger. I touched her again. It was like a drug that felt like I was getting addicted to. That no matter how much I wanted to stop, I couldn't but feeling the desire growing and aching to be satisfied. I don't know waht went on me, I did more the second time around.
I kissed her more, everywhere. When I say everywhere, I mean 'everywhere'. I was kissing her right breast while playing my finger on her. You know what I mean. She was responding to me. I know. I am so sure about it. She was trying to control her moans. But she did moan. I was so close to her, I could hear it. It was a music to my ear. It revved up my engine. I was totally getting out of control. It took even more minutes. The feeling was inexplicable. I stopped.
I waited for some minutes and decided to dare even more, you know what i mean. My reason was, although it was not a good reason but by nature I think it's acceptable, I was there already, almost getting 'there', why not finish what i had started? So I did it. Too much excitement I was feeling even made my member limp, I was desperate to force all my blood to get into there to achieve erection. It's humiliating. I tried to enter her, I almost did. But she suddenly realized what we were doing, from there she stopped me. I know Maki and Sailah were somehow awake.
Then Aby started confonting me. She was even trying to threaten me. I asked her what she wanted. She said she wanted me to tell the thing to Maki and Sailah. I told them I touched Aby. Aby insisted the whole truth. Then I told them that.
Then Aby wanted me to resign. She changed her mind. She said she would give me two weeks. Then after that the decision has to be done. Last Monday She was absent. I called her, she said she was not feeling well. I texted her to get well soon. She texted me thank you. I was guilty. But why should I? She did enjoy it as well. I know, but that doesn't say it's right. Every one was noticing I had changed. Especially Cheenie. But I can't tell her. It is weird maybe, but I want to protect Aby. Although I have an idea Aby had told to some of her friends about it already. It is not a good feeling.
And I am worried about Gracia as well.
I texted Alex last Monday. We would this Sunday. I really need someone to talk to.
Jose Mari was texting me once in a while. But I didn't care that much anymore about him. I think his being my best friend doesn't apply anymore in my life. He never was a best friend to me. The reason why I am mentioning him right here is because, if only he 'is' still my best friend, I think I would not find it hard to find somebody to confide my emotional trouble right now.
I thought of Gracia. But she should be the last person to know. Or better, she should not know about any of this. She would be hurt. I don't want her to get hurt because of me. I have never been fair to her, so I don't think I have the guts to tell her anyway any of this.
8miles was always part of the first people I would like to talk to about my personal problems. But not this time. I tried it before with them, it was about a different thing and it didn't turn out that fine. It was because they are not only my friends, but Gracia's as well. So whatever wuold affect Gracia, it should not be the 8miles.
I thought of my newfound friends at InfoNXX, but they know the involved people. To cut it short, they are not the people I think should be talked about it.
And why i need someone to talk about it? Because it's a serious matter. Actually it's complicated. I do not know what will happen in the next coming days, and whatever happens, I want to tell it here, the real thing that happened. This is the truth.
Last Sunday, I was so excited. I went to Los Banos, at Olivarez. I met Sailah there. But before that, DC called me. She wanted me to go back to Calamba and meet them at WalterMart. So I went there. She was with Tim and Dan, her new boyfriend. Then I bought my assignments ( the Gin and the Kool Aid Strawberry flavor, like what Aby wanted ) and a roasted chicken. We waited for RZ, who was with Jason. We went to Picard, at Maki's place. Then Cheenie came with her husband. After some minutes, Sailah finally arrived with the palaka. Aby was with Vanet. We were almost complete. We started eating and drink a little. Then RZ and Jason left. After some time, Tim had to go with DC and Dan. An hour passed, Cheenie had to go with her husband. Aby, Sailah, and I were left at Maki's place.
I was drunk, and so Aby was. We were lying on our side, facing each other on Maki's airbed. We were talking about so many trivial things. It was nice talking with Aby. Yes, I was really about it. About the chance of being next to her that close. It was like a dream coming true. She was looking at me, I was looking at her. She was asking me about my petty text messages to her. I didn't know what to say. I just laughed everytime I couldn't give her my answer. She asked me about my dream about her. I said I couldn't tell her. She said why. I said it was...sexual. But she wanted details. I told her it could be whatever she and her boyfriend were doing. She asked me what was 'it' they were doing. I knew it was so obvious, right? She didn't have to dig into details. But she wanted me to tell more. Perhaps she was playing with me. And she was close - so close.
While we were talking I was getting close to her. Really close this time. I was touching her ears, her hair, circling my finger on her side neck. She liked it, I assumed because she didn't stop me at all. I went on touching her. I admit it that I was enjoying that as well. I felt so lucky. I was warm, hot actually. I could feel her skin, it was warm as well. The clues were there to tell me more. Maybe she was not seducing me deliberately but that's what was happening. Sailah entered the room and wanted to lay on the near the wall, that was Aby's part. But Aby insisted her to get the other side instead. She even said we were talking. It was nice to know she wanted more conversation with me. Sailah did what she said reluctantly. Then Maki took the space between me and Sailah. They ( Maki and Sailah ) went to sleep. Aby and I were still talking. Aby had her eyes close but I know she was still awake, she sometimes responded to my questions. And I could see the way she breathed. It was restless.
I touched her more. I even touched her ears with my lips. I dared even more. I explored my hands. I touched her. It took minutes, many minutes before I decided to get up and leave the bed before I went farther. I went to the Sala. I lay there, and slept. I woke up, still thinking of what I had already done. I was happy. I should be contented, but I wanted more. I went back, not to continue what I had started but to sleep with them. I hugged Maki to advert my thinking. But it was useless. I still thought of her. I tried to resist but the passion was stronger. I touched her again. It was like a drug that felt like I was getting addicted to. That no matter how much I wanted to stop, I couldn't but feeling the desire growing and aching to be satisfied. I don't know waht went on me, I did more the second time around.
I kissed her more, everywhere. When I say everywhere, I mean 'everywhere'. I was kissing her right breast while playing my finger on her. You know what I mean. She was responding to me. I know. I am so sure about it. She was trying to control her moans. But she did moan. I was so close to her, I could hear it. It was a music to my ear. It revved up my engine. I was totally getting out of control. It took even more minutes. The feeling was inexplicable. I stopped.
I waited for some minutes and decided to dare even more, you know what i mean. My reason was, although it was not a good reason but by nature I think it's acceptable, I was there already, almost getting 'there', why not finish what i had started? So I did it. Too much excitement I was feeling even made my member limp, I was desperate to force all my blood to get into there to achieve erection. It's humiliating. I tried to enter her, I almost did. But she suddenly realized what we were doing, from there she stopped me. I know Maki and Sailah were somehow awake.
Then Aby started confonting me. She was even trying to threaten me. I asked her what she wanted. She said she wanted me to tell the thing to Maki and Sailah. I told them I touched Aby. Aby insisted the whole truth. Then I told them that.
Then Aby wanted me to resign. She changed her mind. She said she would give me two weeks. Then after that the decision has to be done. Last Monday She was absent. I called her, she said she was not feeling well. I texted her to get well soon. She texted me thank you. I was guilty. But why should I? She did enjoy it as well. I know, but that doesn't say it's right. Every one was noticing I had changed. Especially Cheenie. But I can't tell her. It is weird maybe, but I want to protect Aby. Although I have an idea Aby had told to some of her friends about it already. It is not a good feeling.
And I am worried about Gracia as well.
I texted Alex last Monday. We would this Sunday. I really need someone to talk to.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Goodbye Tenured Trainees, Welcome New CSRs!
I think I am happy. Finally I graduated from the Training Department. Now I am CSR...again. I know I should be happy, and I think I am...somehow. I am happy because it means I would be spending more time with SRB 85, I really love these people. They are the most beautiful thing I have now outside my family and 8Miles.
However, I still want something else. I am growing old. That means losing more time. I am afraid to find myself there, counting my last minutes to the eternal sleep. I don't want that to happen. I want to die fulfilled...old story I know.
So many funny things happened this week. Last Monday I was with Maia, Lui, RZ, and Jason. We went to ( blank ) riding Lui's car. RZ was the driver. It was so much fun. We enjoyed the whole trip. Maia was really funny. I learned a lot that day. But it still upset me. I was expecting that I'd be freed from 'the call boy job', but it turned out a bit of disappointment on my part. I bought four books to read. Kiko Machine 3 ( after the long wait! ), Tukod ( not really nice ), The Mythology Class ( nice... ), and The Fifth Mountain by Paolo Coelho ( still reading ).
I was tired and upset so I was absent that Monday. I met Gracia and Jeff at Beanstalk. It was a relief to be with them. We had a foodtrip there. It was so relaxing, so uplifting to be with them. I was thankful I was with them that day. Perhaps I would still be upset up to this day without that small time we had together. ( Jeff, Gracia, thank you! It was fun playing the elevator with you! )
This week was a war between us and the CPT. Good thing everyone graduated. We went to Roja and the other trainers to show off our new blue laneard (?????????Spelling?) and to thank them. Roja is really cute!
However, I still want something else. I am growing old. That means losing more time. I am afraid to find myself there, counting my last minutes to the eternal sleep. I don't want that to happen. I want to die fulfilled...old story I know.
So many funny things happened this week. Last Monday I was with Maia, Lui, RZ, and Jason. We went to ( blank ) riding Lui's car. RZ was the driver. It was so much fun. We enjoyed the whole trip. Maia was really funny. I learned a lot that day. But it still upset me. I was expecting that I'd be freed from 'the call boy job', but it turned out a bit of disappointment on my part. I bought four books to read. Kiko Machine 3 ( after the long wait! ), Tukod ( not really nice ), The Mythology Class ( nice... ), and The Fifth Mountain by Paolo Coelho ( still reading ).
I was tired and upset so I was absent that Monday. I met Gracia and Jeff at Beanstalk. It was a relief to be with them. We had a foodtrip there. It was so relaxing, so uplifting to be with them. I was thankful I was with them that day. Perhaps I would still be upset up to this day without that small time we had together. ( Jeff, Gracia, thank you! It was fun playing the elevator with you! )
This week was a war between us and the CPT. Good thing everyone graduated. We went to Roja and the other trainers to show off our new blue laneard (?????????Spelling?) and to thank them. Roja is really cute!
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Just That...
I am enjoying my busy and happy social life now! Saan ba ako magsisimula? I am okay. I don't think that much anymore. I keep my focus on what I have right now. No more list of priorities. Everyone, everything in my life is important to me. Whatever I have to offer, I will offer it to someone I know who deserves it. I am more relaxed now. I think it's still there, my old self. But right now, I am liking whatever I do now. No more plans-for now.
Last Tuesday, Jeff and I met in Walter Mart. There he lost his cellphone. Arnel was also with us. We didn't have so much time kasi may pasok pa din ako. Kumain lang kami ng siomai. I think okay lang kami. Kahit alam ko hindi na kagaya ng dati. When I looked at Arnel, I couldn't help it but think about how we did change. I don't know why love has to change the most beautiful things in our life in order to win. From there, I realized I don't have the power to keep all the people the way I want them to be. I thought our friendship would be the strongest one I would ever have. But then I had to wake up and see it before my eyes that it's not really like that. We're still in good terms. That makes it good. Sad part would be the bitter change. Everytime I look at him, I know he is thinking of me and Gracia. Our friends insist it's not really like that. That I am only imagining. No, I'm not. I know why he changed. I know the reasons why he had to change his priority list <> Pain, heartache has changed him. Sometimes I feel guilty about it. But why should I anyway?
Last week was really upsetting. But it was fine anyway. My birthday was just another common day added to my life. I thank the Lord kasi di Niya ako pinababayaan. Nung Friday shift, sila Aby at Tim lang ang pumasa. Masaya kaming lahat kasi they deserve it naman talaga. Saka we are all extended for another week which is really good. But this week could be my last week at InfoNXX. So ini-enjoy ko na lang lahat.
Nung Sabado, we <> went to Enchanted Kingdom. It was fun. Saka nakaka-release din ng stress. Huling punta ko doon eh eight years ago pa. Sumakay kami ng Anchor's Away agad. Sobra ang kaba ko. Pero okay lang. Hindi naman pala ganun nakakatakot gaya nung high school. Nag-enjoy talaga ako. Tapos Space Shuttle. Tapos Realto, Flying Fiesta, Swan Lake ( with Gem para sa makulit niyang anak na si Mico )at Wheel of Fate. Gusto nga nilang isama ko si Gracia. Gusto ko nga din kaso parang di fair kasi celebration yun ng birthday ni DC. Saka mas maganda yung makakapag-concentrate ako kapag kami lang ni Gracia. Masaya yung EK. Nandun din si Alvin Patrimonio, nag-judge siya ng costume contest. We took a picture with him. Hindi naman siya talaga nakaka-starstruck pero masaya yung experience na magpa-pic with him. Ang kulit ng anak ni Gem. Saka cute. Kumain kami ng Domino's. Bumili ako ng Dreamcatcher para kay Gracia. Tapos nun dumiretso kami nila Tim, Dan at DC sa bahay nila DC. Bumili sila ng Tequila. Mga 1:00am natulog na ako. Mga 5:00am na ako nagising. Na-meet ulit namin Daddy ni DC. He said he's going to work. Then DC told us he's not really going to work but going to the other woman. She cried. We tried to comfort her. Then we went to McDo somewhere in Binan.
Medyo nasira yata tiyan ko. I had to take diatabs pa, hahaha. Laba muna ako ng mga damit ko. Ang dami. Tapos I met Gracia sa Walter. I was thirty minutes late. We watched Resident Evil, romantic no? hehehe. Tapos nag-videoke kami. Mga twenty years bago ko makumpleto yung listahan ko ng mga kanta. I chose I'll be there, Can't help falling in love, at Half-crazy. Siya naman eh Too many walls. Alam ko na bawat line ng kantang iyon ay may sinasabi. Ganun din yung isa pang song na I need you. Alam ko na may mensahe siyang pinaparating. Pero mas mabigat yung huling song. If the feeling is gone. Parang nagalit ako sa sarili ko. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko. I don't know how to comfort her. Tapos nun we went to Beanstalk. Sarado pala so we ate na lang sa Chowking instead. We talked more. I was so honest to her, telling her that I don't have priorities right now kasi I don't make plans muna. Ayoko muna mag-isip. I don't know if it was just my imagination pero I think I saw tears in the corners of her eyes. I hate myself for that. Hinatid ko siya. Through out that date, I didn't say 'I love you', neither did she.
Last night before I went to work I prayed to God that He keeps me safe. There was a technical problem sa floor kaya we took calls for like an hour only. ( Ang weird dito sa computer shop kasi kanina lang tinutugtog yung I'll be there by Martin Nievera, ngayon naman yung Half-crazy. )
Monday next week is a big day. God, please, bless us all!
Last Tuesday, Jeff and I met in Walter Mart. There he lost his cellphone. Arnel was also with us. We didn't have so much time kasi may pasok pa din ako. Kumain lang kami ng siomai. I think okay lang kami. Kahit alam ko hindi na kagaya ng dati. When I looked at Arnel, I couldn't help it but think about how we did change. I don't know why love has to change the most beautiful things in our life in order to win. From there, I realized I don't have the power to keep all the people the way I want them to be. I thought our friendship would be the strongest one I would ever have. But then I had to wake up and see it before my eyes that it's not really like that. We're still in good terms. That makes it good. Sad part would be the bitter change. Everytime I look at him, I know he is thinking of me and Gracia. Our friends insist it's not really like that. That I am only imagining. No, I'm not. I know why he changed. I know the reasons why he had to change his priority list <> Pain, heartache has changed him. Sometimes I feel guilty about it. But why should I anyway?
Last week was really upsetting. But it was fine anyway. My birthday was just another common day added to my life. I thank the Lord kasi di Niya ako pinababayaan. Nung Friday shift, sila Aby at Tim lang ang pumasa. Masaya kaming lahat kasi they deserve it naman talaga. Saka we are all extended for another week which is really good. But this week could be my last week at InfoNXX. So ini-enjoy ko na lang lahat.
Nung Sabado, we <> went to Enchanted Kingdom. It was fun. Saka nakaka-release din ng stress. Huling punta ko doon eh eight years ago pa. Sumakay kami ng Anchor's Away agad. Sobra ang kaba ko. Pero okay lang. Hindi naman pala ganun nakakatakot gaya nung high school. Nag-enjoy talaga ako. Tapos Space Shuttle. Tapos Realto, Flying Fiesta, Swan Lake ( with Gem para sa makulit niyang anak na si Mico )at Wheel of Fate. Gusto nga nilang isama ko si Gracia. Gusto ko nga din kaso parang di fair kasi celebration yun ng birthday ni DC. Saka mas maganda yung makakapag-concentrate ako kapag kami lang ni Gracia. Masaya yung EK. Nandun din si Alvin Patrimonio, nag-judge siya ng costume contest. We took a picture with him. Hindi naman siya talaga nakaka-starstruck pero masaya yung experience na magpa-pic with him. Ang kulit ng anak ni Gem. Saka cute. Kumain kami ng Domino's. Bumili ako ng Dreamcatcher para kay Gracia. Tapos nun dumiretso kami nila Tim, Dan at DC sa bahay nila DC. Bumili sila ng Tequila. Mga 1:00am natulog na ako. Mga 5:00am na ako nagising. Na-meet ulit namin Daddy ni DC. He said he's going to work. Then DC told us he's not really going to work but going to the other woman. She cried. We tried to comfort her. Then we went to McDo somewhere in Binan.
Medyo nasira yata tiyan ko. I had to take diatabs pa, hahaha. Laba muna ako ng mga damit ko. Ang dami. Tapos I met Gracia sa Walter. I was thirty minutes late. We watched Resident Evil, romantic no? hehehe. Tapos nag-videoke kami. Mga twenty years bago ko makumpleto yung listahan ko ng mga kanta. I chose I'll be there, Can't help falling in love, at Half-crazy. Siya naman eh Too many walls. Alam ko na bawat line ng kantang iyon ay may sinasabi. Ganun din yung isa pang song na I need you. Alam ko na may mensahe siyang pinaparating. Pero mas mabigat yung huling song. If the feeling is gone. Parang nagalit ako sa sarili ko. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko. I don't know how to comfort her. Tapos nun we went to Beanstalk. Sarado pala so we ate na lang sa Chowking instead. We talked more. I was so honest to her, telling her that I don't have priorities right now kasi I don't make plans muna. Ayoko muna mag-isip. I don't know if it was just my imagination pero I think I saw tears in the corners of her eyes. I hate myself for that. Hinatid ko siya. Through out that date, I didn't say 'I love you', neither did she.
Last night before I went to work I prayed to God that He keeps me safe. There was a technical problem sa floor kaya we took calls for like an hour only. ( Ang weird dito sa computer shop kasi kanina lang tinutugtog yung I'll be there by Martin Nievera, ngayon naman yung Half-crazy. )
Monday next week is a big day. God, please, bless us all!
Bagong Buhay ^.^
I am so bangag at this very moment. Yet, I would still like to record all the new things that are happening now in my life. I think everything is new. Whatever happened in the past, that belongs there-in the past. Many things I should be happy about, pero may mga bagay talaga na dapat ko na ring iwan para hindi mabigat ang pag-usad. Naman, lalim ng tagalog ko dito ah.
This week I am on my fourth week in InfoNXX. This would be the scariest week kasi sobrang lupit na ng mga bagay na gagawin namin. Kahit ako na may experience na ay natatakot pa rin, pakiramdam ko ay nagsisimula pa lang talaga ako. I am happy because, just like what I had in TeleTech, I also have the best team supporting me, loving me, and enjoying my not-so-daldal company, hehehe.
In just two weeks I really like almost everyone in our team. Actually I like all of them. Maia is so crazy and so funny. Every word she says really makes an easy rounds of laughter. Cheenie is also funny and very trusting. I surely like her. She is a young proud mother. Tim and Kat are really nice. They are so young, and so strong and brave. Tim is fighting for the life of her only sister. Kat just survived the ordeal she encountered just early this year which almost had taken her frail young life. She was shot three times! DC is really nice, she is so humble, so kind, even though she is a rich kid. I surely will miss her after her good-bye last two weeks ago. Ania, Abby, Sailah, Dot, Maki, Dolph, RZ, Jason, Gem, and the rest of the team are really amazing. They are so easy to be with. They don't think bad about you. They welcome you. They treat you like you have known each other for the longest time. Yet, I might be exaggerating pero ganto yung feeling.
Nakita ko din si Norman na dati ding taga-TeleTech, sa Domino's siya. Nandun din si Dimple, si Nanie, at si Reniel.
Marami na rin kaming naging trainers. Una sina Sid at Lizette. Kasama na din ang pinaka-sikat na si Corwin. Tapos si Mommy Myra at si Eizel. Tapos si Jaja at ang favorite ng lahat dahil sa sobrang cool niya, si Roja.
Last Thursday, sakit ng tiyan ko sa katatawa sa call simulation ni Maia. Seryoso siya sa ginagawa niya pero soibra talaga siyang nakakatawa. Kahit yung mga hindi na niya dapat sabihin, itanong, sinasabi niya may masabi lang talaga siya.
After ng shift nagpunta kami kina DC. Yun uminom kami, kumain, nagkuwentuhan, natulog, naglaro, at nagbukingan. Sobrang nakakapagod yun. Tapos nagkita kami ni Gracia, kasama pala niya ate niya, sa Walter. Nakakahiya nga kasi haggard na ako nun. Mabait ang ate ni Gracia.
Kinabukasan nagpagupit ako. Tapos nagtext si Ania, punta daw kami sa Beanstalk. Yun, ang saya. Yun nga lang kasama ni Abby BF niya. Gusto ko dalhin si Gracia dun one of these days.
Kinabukasan nagkita ang 8miles sa Walter. . Church concert kasi nila Jeff sa church nila. Nagkita din kami ni Jose. Sa wakas at na-meet din niya yung iba sa 8miles, lalo na si Gracia. Okay naman lahat.
Sa Concert nila Jeff, ang saya. Ang galing, nag-enjoy talaga kami. Tapos ko isakay si Gracia sa bus stop, pumunta na ako ng Lipa para sa anniversary party ng UHG. Nakakatuwa makita ulit ang lahat. Sapalagay ko naman ay natuwa sila makita ako. Sa Library yun ginanap. Nakakahilo ang mga ilaw. Sa totoo lang na-OP ako. Tapos may kasunod pa pala yun. Lumipat kami ng ibang bar. Nung una boring at nagsisisi na ako. Gusto ko na ngang umuwi. Wala din dun si Alex. Gusto ko pa naman siay makita. Tapos yun nalasing ako. Yun masaya na.
At good luck sa lahat sa lingong ito.
P.S. Si Christina ay nanganak na nitong October 10, Tito na ako!
Taking Chances
Binasa ko yung mga nakaraang posts ko dito. Nakaramdam ako ng weird na bagay sa sarili ko na...sa tingin ko eh sobrang tagal na nung huli ko itong maramdaman, sa tagal nga eh hindi ko na maalala kung kailan yun...anyway yung naramdaman ko eh paghanga. Hindi naman siguro masama ang makaramdam nito para sa sarili mo, huwag lang sosobra. Wew, biglang may naalala ako na mga tao na kilala ko na sobra sa damdamin na ganito. Uy, bato-bato sa langit...
Masaya ako sa maraming dahilan. Una, nitong last weekend lang e nakasulat na ulit ako. Ang saya. Ibang klase yung pakiramdam. Para bang maluha-luha pa ako. Dalawang tula yung naisulat ko. Yung isa nga eh naka-post na dito. Tapos isang essay. Medyo under-construction pa yung essay ko. Pero mukhang maganda kasi konti lang yung mga panlalait na narinig ko sa editor ko- yung Sis ko.
Tapos yung classmate ko nung highschool eh na-contact na rin ako sa wakas. Kahit pa inalis ko na yung number ko sa account ko <> Excited din ako makibalita sa kanila, kung may reunion pa ulit. Kasi nag-reunion daw sila pero wala ako, saya di ba? Ang guwapo ko pa naman sobra ngayon! Wahehekhek!
Tapos si Hersan nagbalik na sa mainstream! Nagpaparamdam na ulit. Wew, na-miss ko din itong native batangueno na ire.
Tapos si Alex tinawagan ako nung isang araw. Ang saya kasi matagal na din kaming hindi nagkakausap. Wew, ang yaman niya talaga kasi more than an hour yung usap namin. Kailan kaya ulit kami magkakausap at magpapalitan ng mga libro? The memories...wew dramachine!
At okay kami ni Gracia. Kahit na ang dami kong guilt na nararamdaman sa sarili ko. Yung tipong puwede na akong makulong dahil sa mga guilt-baggage(?) ko. Buti na lang at bukod sa maganda, sexy, matalino, mabait, at madaldal eh napaka-patient ni Gracia. Yung tipong pang-hall of fame! Ganun...dami ko ngang plano para makabawi ba...siempre sikreto pa.
Tapos nung Sunday eh nagdesisyon na ako magpatuloy sa buhay. Nag-pray ako. Nung Monday na nga, lahat ng bagong-tagpo kong lakas ng loob eh inipon ko, pumunta ako InfoNXX. Bahala na. Kinakabahan ako sobra. Nakaka-stroke pa nga eh. Pagpunta ko doon, yung lahat ng takot ko ay nawala! Napalitan ng patung-patong na kaba at takot! Unang interview, Jason yung name nung nag-interview sa akin. Lupit ng nerbiyos ko, panu kung sa unang interview pa lang eh bumagsak na ako? Kakatakot talaga. Tanong niya, why are you so interested to be here? Isip ako. Dapat yung tipong magugulat siya at mapapasigaw siya ng...you're the man! Dapat mabilis ako mag-isip...naalala ko yung famous line nila na WE DON'T JUST OFFER JOBS, WE CHANGE LIVES! Sabi ko, well, I believe in you, guys that you can change lives...ganun! Nakapasa ako! Sabi ala-una pa yung exam eh mga 10am pa lang. Punta muna ako National Bookstore. Basa-basa, nalaman ko na yung common bird na brown na madalas natin makita ay nag-originate pala yun sa China. Tawag dun eh Eurasian Tree Sparrow. Tapos hindi na ako nag-lunch. Limited lang pera ko eh.
Balik na ako sa InfoNXX. Nakakatakot yung exam, pakiramdam ko eh doon pa ako sasablay. May ilang salita ako hindi naintindihan pero...wew, nakapasa ako. Saya di ba? Tapos 4pm pa yung final interview ( pero sa totoo lang magpa-five na nung nagsimula yun ). Hintay ng konti. By the way daming nag-apply. Mga nasa trenta o higit pa.
Final interview. Si Honey yung nag-interview. Kilala na niya ako kasi ilang beses na din akong pabalikbalik sa kanila. Una niyang sinabi eh tumaba daw ako...hahaha. Tapos yun usap-usap, at yun nakapasa ako. Orientation na sa Saturday. She congratulated us ( Ako, si Maia, si Kat, si Tim, at si Angel ) Nandun din si Mike, BF ni Maia, sumakay kami sa Van nila hangang Target Mall. Sobrang sama nga ng pakiramdam ko ng araw na iyon. Sobrang sakit ng ulo, nasusuka pa ako. Tapos pinagpapawisan ako ng malapot. Gusto ko na ngang mawalan ng malay. Hirap talaga at traffic pa. At yun nakauwi na rin ako. Nakatulog agad. Pag-gising ko ng 3am kinabukasan nag-pray ako kay God at nagpasalamat ng formal.
Magsisimula na ulit ako. Hindi ko pa din isu-surrender pagsusulat ko. Kaya ko ito. Hindi kasi ako nag-iisa. Salamat sa lahat ng hindi nag-iwan sa akin. Salamat talaga.
September 18, 2007 03:40 AM
Waiting For The Wind To Change
Here I am
Standing still
Waiting for the wind to change
As if like a dream
I'm losing my will
To this wait that seems forever.
Standing still
Waiting for the wind to change
As if like a dream
I'm losing my will
To this wait that seems forever.
Here I am
Empty and still
Hoping for the wind to change
Holding back a scream
So much time to kill
So much hope to lose
Asking in silence, how long is forever?
Empty and still
Hoping for the wind to change
Holding back a scream
So much time to kill
So much hope to lose
Asking in silence, how long is forever?
And so here I am
Almost dead and still
Praying for the wind to change
So I can live my dream
Though it's so obvious to fake,
To believe my dreams are real
I'm growing frail and withering
Then, what am I waiting here for?
Almost dead and still
Praying for the wind to change
So I can live my dream
Though it's so obvious to fake,
To believe my dreams are real
I'm growing frail and withering
Then, what am I waiting here for?
Yes, here I am
Damned and still
Begging for the wind to change
So I can start and dream
Yesterday I was here waiting
Last year I was here waiting
Years ago I was here waiting
For the wind to change
And like a slap on my face
I woke up, feeling like it had been forever.
Damned and still
Begging for the wind to change
So I can start and dream
Yesterday I was here waiting
Last year I was here waiting
Years ago I was here waiting
For the wind to change
And like a slap on my face
I woke up, feeling like it had been forever.
You know here I am
Far and still
Struggling for the wind to change
Many times before I tried fooling Time
With grains of hope I'd win
Felt like I'd been running in circles
I ended up standing here and still
In silence of the depths of my soul
So numb to feel anything at all
That is, if ever happiness would find me
I'm afraid I would never even know.
Far and still
Struggling for the wind to change
Many times before I tried fooling Time
With grains of hope I'd win
Felt like I'd been running in circles
I ended up standing here and still
In silence of the depths of my soul
So numb to feel anything at all
That is, if ever happiness would find me
I'm afraid I would never even know.
Again, here I am
Small and still
Crying for the wind to change
Is forever coiled in circle?
If that so, my wait has no end!
Never thought I could still cry
When rivers of tears surrendered to fall
Showing the world that I'm not really strong, not brave at all
Feeling defeated but still, here I am...
Waiting for the wind to change.
Small and still
Crying for the wind to change
Is forever coiled in circle?
If that so, my wait has no end!
Never thought I could still cry
When rivers of tears surrendered to fall
Showing the world that I'm not really strong, not brave at all
Feeling defeated but still, here I am...
Waiting for the wind to change.
by Fernand Yim
To those who can stay...please stay.
September 16, 2007 12:02 AM
September 16, 2007 12:02 AM
Thank You
My life had never been easy. I will not deny those so many times I had given up. I am not blaming anyone. Many times I asked myself what if I could choose a perfect life, what would that be? I said to myself, no, I would always live this kind of life. True it is that my life was...suicidal but I always believe that it would never be like this forever. Looking at the beautiful part of it, I was blessed to meet the beautiful people of my life. I want to take this chance to say my biggest Thank-You to all the people who have become a part of me.
Thank you for coming into my life. I thank the good Lord for putting you all into my extra-ordinary life. Ingat. See you soon.
-Fernand Yim
September 4, 2007 05:50 AM
Thank you for coming into my life. I thank the good Lord for putting you all into my extra-ordinary life. Ingat. See you soon.
-Fernand Yim
September 4, 2007 05:50 AM
Natikman Ko Na Ang Adobo Ni Gracia
Ngayon lang ako ulit magsusulat ng kung anu-ano dito. Nawalan kasi ako ng gana kasi nasira account ko. Hindi ko ma-view ito ng maayos. Okay naman ako so far. Ang sarap sabihin nito. Pero yung okay na tinutukoy ko, kapag in-explain ko, ibig sabihin boring, plain. Nung nasa TeleTech pa ako ang gusto ko nun eh magka-time para makapagpahinga. Pangarap ko noon na makatulog ng 36 hours...straight! Walang gisingan. Ngayon sobra-sobra pa nga ang oras na meron ako para matulog. Puro tulog na nga halos ang ginagawa ko ngayon. Hindi naman talaga ito ang problema ko. Nung bago ako mag-resign, ang plano ko noon ay magsulat. Saka ko na iintindihin yung publishing. Basta kailangan ko magsulat. Parang sa pagsusulat ko ulit matatagpuan yung nawawala kong pagkatao. Ang dami ko nang nagawa sa buhay ko. Ang dami ko na rin na-experience. Iniisip ko na hindi nga ganun ka-normal yung naging buhay ko. Ang saya nga nun kasi pakiramdam ko dapat lang talaga sa mga writer ang marami ang karanasan. Minsan proud ako sa sarili ko. Pero mas madalas mahina ang confidence ko. Sabi ng mga kaibigan ko, lalo na ng eightmiles, matatag daw ako kaya hindi na nila ako kinukumusta. Ewan ko kung mapa-flatter ba ako o maiinis. Kaya pala okay lang na hindi nila ako i-text. Mga engot. Si Gracia lang talaga ang hindi nagsasawa sa akin. Ang saya siguro kapag may sarili na akong bahay, tapos gigising ako na may nakahain na na agahan. Siyempre si Gracia ang nagluto. Mahilig si Gracia mamintas ng mga luto ng mga tao. Alam niya kung may kulang na sangkap. Taga-Pampanga kasi siya. Iniisip ko tuloy na masarap sigurado siya magluto kasi bukod dito, eh masarap magluto ang mga magulang niya. Saka natikman ko na ang adobo niya. Masarap. Proud nga siya noon nung pinakain niya iyon sa amin. Yun tipong hinihintay niya na sabihin namin na..Wow, ang saraaaap nito! Ito na ang Da Best Adobo everrrr! Mga ganung salita. (laughs). Pero siyempre hindi ito ang mga narinig niyang sinabi namin.
Nung nag-resign na ako...ang sarap ng pakiramdam ko kasi pakiramdam ko ay lumaya ako. Kung saan, hindi ako sigurado. Napaka-positive ko noon. Alam ko makapagsusulat din ako. Na-realize ko na ang pagiging writer ko pala ang kaluluwa ko. Na kahit sa DNA ko naka-indicate na doon na isa akong writer. Ang dami kong gustong gawin. Kapag nasa isip ko ang mga ito, parang ang dali lang ng lahat. madali lang talaga ang lahat pero yung unang step...yun ang mahirap gawin. Hangang ngayon nga ay wala pa rin akong naisusulat. Ito ang inaalala ko. Minsan naisip ko na din na wala talaga akong talent. Na pinipilit ko lang ang sarili ko. Pero hindi iyun ang nararamdaman ko. May kailangan lang talaga mangyari o may kailangan lang ako gawin o maramdaman. Nanghihina na nga ako. Wala naman akong maistorbong kaibigan. Lahat busy. Kung hindi busy, may bago ng kaibigan. Pero okay lang talaga ako...siguro. Mas mabuti na rin ito kaysa...kaysa...basta.
Minsan, I mean to say madalas pala na nakahiga ako at nag-iisip. Dami na palang nagbago. Siguro masyado ako naniwala sa mga sinusulat at sa mga pangarap ko. Pero hindi ko pala talaga mapipigilan ang mga kaibigan ko na magbago. Parte na iyon ng paglago ng bawat tao. Nagi-guilty tuloy ako kina Dondon. Hindi ko binuksan ng buo ang sarili ko noon sa kanila kasi hindi ko sila nakikitang magiging kaibigan ko ng mahabang panahon. Mahirap pa naman sa akin ang maglet-go. Saka iniisip ko din noon na parang papalitan ko na ang eightmiles. Na parang nagtatraydor na ako sa mga kaibigan ko. Tanga ako, alam ko. Ang saya pa naman kasama ng EyeBites. Sila pati ang unang set ko ng mga bagong kaibigan sa bago kong buhay.
Si Hersan, matagal ko na pala siyang hindi nakikita. Huli ko sigurong kita sa kanya ay yung huli naming swimming pagkatapos ng Graduation.
Si Darwin din, wala na siya. Hindi ko na siya nararamdaman.
Si Jeff, alam ko na unti-unti na rin siyang lumalayo. Kahit marami kaming panag-awayan nitong kaibigan kong ito, siyempre malungkot din ang feeling ko na isipin na nagsasara sa siya ng pinto.
Si Arnel, ang laki na rin ng pinagbago niya. Ginagawa na niya yung mga bagay na kahit isipin nung college eh hindi niya ginagawa. Nalulula na nga ako sa kanya. Dati ako yung pinili niyang gawing kuya. Na gusto niyang maging kapatid. Nakakatawa yun di ba? Saka masarap sa pakiramdam. Ngayon iniisip ko kung bakit wala na siyang sinasabi sa akin. Dati kapag down siya malalaman ko na agad sa mga uri ng text messages niya. Ngayon kay Comy na siya nagsasabi. Okay lang naman yun pero biglang may naisip ako. Kelan-kelan ko lang naisip ito. Sabi niya wala na raw siyang nararamdaman kay Gracia. Nung una naniwala ako. Ngayon kahit gustuhin ko pa...hindi na ako naniniwala. Kaibigan ko si Arnel sa mahabang panahon, saka kilala ko na siya. Apektado siya sa relasyon namin ngayon ni Gracia. Pakiramdam ko ay mga alam si Jeff at Comy na hindi ko alam. Nararamdaman ko ito eh. Sana nga lang ay hindi mapahamak si Arnel.
Si Comy, wew, kakaiba din ang naging gulo namin. Naging GF niya ang ex ko. Kala ko noon ay hindi na kami magkakaayos pero heto, okay kami.
Si Jhe, may mga bago na rin siyang mga kaibigan. Okay lang yun. Dapat lang naman talaga. Pero nami-miss ko pa rin sila...saka nagseselos din ako.
At si Gracia. Ang...wala ako masabi. Sabi raw nila kapag wala ka masabi o hindi mo mai-describe ang isang tao...yung tipong wala ka masabing salita...sobrang special daw sigurado ng taong iyon. At naniniwala ako dito. We are special. Hindi special children. Yun tipong kahit walang sinasabi ang bawat isa, nagtitiwala, nagmamahal, at nangangarap ang bawat isa para sa isa't isa. Wew, nakakaiyak...hehehe.
Nami-miss ko ang EyeBites. Si Alex. And Wave 2. Ang TeleTech. Kumusta na nga kaya si Alex. Hindi ko siya iniistorbo ngayon. Tipo bang I give her space. Saka na siguro yung mga over-a-cup-of-coffee na mga usapan.
Nakausap ko nga pala si Jennifer noong last Thursday. Ang sarap ng pag-uusap na iyon. Yung writer din yung kausap mo. Halos nasabi ko na nga sa kanya ang lahat. Gumaan ang pakiramdam ko.
Yung Marc Lhouis Co. wala na yun. Matagal na pala itong wala. Ako lang talaga ang pilit na naniniwala na hindi ako iiwan ng mga Lhouisians (baduy!) Well, I can move on. Kung saan sila masaya, okay lang. Sabi nga dun sa book na nabasa ko, para daw matanggap natin yung mga bagong kaibigan sa buhay natin, we have to let go some of the dearest friends that we have, sakit ng process na ito sa akin. Emo kasi ako. Pero kaya ko ito. Mas marami naman akong tunay na kaibigan na bagamat nagbabago, hindi ako iiwan.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Rising
I always say this : I am lucky. And I believe I am. There are so many things happening in my life. I am still a thinker. And a dreamer. It has been two weeks since I planned to start writing on something. Yet I was not even able to finish a paragraph. There were times I was thinking that it could be that I do not really have the talent on it. It hurt a lot. I was trying to do all the things according to my personal plans in my life. It frustrated me to see things were not the way I planned them. It pressured me so much. I came even to the point of giving up. I said to myself, "What's the use of trying? It seems not working at all." I was selfishly thinking of myself. I thought of dying, not thinking that I was hurting other people that I love. Gracia texted me words of encouragement, of love, of hope. It was funny. She made me laugh. Then she called, I thought she was crying on the phone. I asked her. She denied it. But she was crying. It surprised me and I felt ashame and guilty.
That was more than two weeks ago. But I am still thinking of that day. I thank God, like I always do, for giving me Gracia.
I also realized some things. I think, things are not working the way I want them to be because God has a better plans for me. Now, I am learning to trust on His plans for me. It is not easy. But I know God is helping me to keep my faith firmer and stronger, through His Spirit and through the people who love me.
Now I can say I am fine and willing to wait. I am not alone on this. I have God, Gracia, my family, eightmiles, my friends, and ehem, my fans! I pray to God, to His Holy Name, that the next time I am going to write on my blog, it would be all about success that glorifies His Kindness and Love.
Dear Lord God, please bless us all. I love you. I adore You. You always make me cry in comfort of Your Spirit. Keep me safe and near You.
In Jesus's Name, Amen.
August 15, 2007 08:28 PM
Rest In Peace
Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko dito. Ang alam ko sigurado ako sa nararamdaman ko. Gusto ko nang sumuko. Nakakainis at mas nakakainis pa sa nakakainis na kahit gusto ko nang sumuko ay hindi pa rin ako tumitigil sa katangahan ko. Kailan lang na-realize ko na marami na pala akong napapabayaan at unti-unti mga nasisirang bagay. Gusto kong umiyak. Totoo 'to. Gusto ko maglakad nang maglakad hangang sa mapudpod na ang mga paa ko at hindi ko na makuha pang umalis sa lugar na narating ko. Gusto ko na ring lamunin ako ng lupa. Gusto ko na lang biglang mawala. Gusto ko makalimot. Gusto ko nang magpahinga. Sana mamayang gabi kapag nakatulog na ako, sana yun na ang huling tulog ko. Sana hindi na ako magising. Sana ilibing na ako kapag nakatulog na ako. 23 yo pa lang ako pero pakiramdam ko pagod na pagod na ako. Minsan pakiramdam ko ang baduy, ang OA. Pero alam ko na pagod na talaga ako. Siguro sumusuko na talaga ako. Ganito siguro yung pakiramdam na isusuko mo na yung bagay na tinuturing mong dahilan kung bakit ako nabubuhay. Parang lahat sa buhay ko ay wala nang halaga. Parang wala na akong maramdaman. Para na nga akong patay. Iniisip ko nga lahat ng naging kasalanan ko sa buhay ko para malaman ko kung naging sobrang sama ko na talaga para mawalan na ako ng lakas para maniwala pa sa sarili ko. Iniisip ko galit pa ba ako. Bakit kailangan unti-unti ko pang maramdaman ang mga ito bago talaga ako mamatay. Patatawarin kaya ako ng mga nasaktan ko kapag patay na ako. Mawawala ba yung mga naipon ko na galit kapag nasa ilalim na ako ng lupa? Magiging masaya ba talaga ako kapag pumanaw na ako? May iiyak ba? Siguro meron. Si Mama. Siguro si Papa din. Mga kapatid ko. Si Tatay kaya pupunta? Ang eightmiles? Si Gracia kaya? Magagalit ba si Gracia kasi unfair ako sa kanya? Siguro iiyak din sila. Pero lilipas din ang buwan, ang mga araw, malilimutan din nila ako. Okay lang. Mas maganda nga iyon. Ayoko ng may nag-iisip pa sa akin.
God, I am sorry. Sorry kasi disappointed Ka alam ko. Gusto ko sumigaw sa sandaling ito. Gusto ko isigaw ang sakit ng pakiramdam ko ngayon. Gusto ko isigaw ito hangang langit. Kaso hindi puwede. Nandito ako ngayon sa Netopia sa Walter. Kahit paano nakakaramdam pa naman ako ng hiya. Pero totoo ito, gusto ko talaga malaman Ninyo na sorry talaga. Sinikap ko naman. Bahala Ka na, Yahweh. Paluin Mo nga ako Yahweh. Gusto ko maramdaman na nandiyan Ka pa rin para sa akin. Huwag mo akong pababayaan lalo na kapag nasa hangin na ako...
Sa lahat nang di nagsawa sa akin, sa lahat ng saya at lungkot na naramdaman ko kasama ninyo, Salamat.
I Am A Scorpion
(October 23 to November 22) Scorpios are remarkable people who wouldn't hesitate to say what's on their mind. They are good friends and your worst enemy. They are deep thinkers and want to keep themselves busy most of the time. They get sick when they are not doing anything. Even their mind is very active and sharp. They have long memories. Career/Money Scorpios are good at handling finances. Though at certain times, they can be stingy even to themselves. They don't buy things that they don't really need. They excel in the field of science, engineering, mining, trade. They are good detectives and researchers. Love In love, Scorpios tend to be too in love for their own good. Though this is nice, it can backfire on them sometimes because they forget to do things for themselves. They are compatible with Water signs like Cancer, and Pisces, and Earth signs like Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn. Health Healthwise, they must try to take problems too seriously. A nice outlet to release stress is to do aero exercises with friends. Eating more fruits and veggies is a must.
July 31, 2007 11:12 PM
New Life, Old Problem
Last Friday I was in Teletech. It was Dondon's birthday. I was busy sa clearance ko. It was weird kasi wala na yung access card ko. Tapos yung mga guard sobrang bantay na bantay ako. Yung tipong pagakyat ko ay may guard na agad na nakaabang sa akin para sabihin sa kausap niya sa radyo na hawak niya na nakita na niya ako. Suddenly I felt like uhh terorista na ba ako?
Pero nakapasok pa din ako sa aquarium. Nandun silang lahat. I gave Etti a big hug. Malaki si Etti kaya big hug. Tapos yun okay naman. Dumiretso na kami kina Ate Ces para nga sa party ni Dondon. Niyaya ko nga si Alex pero di siya puwede. Medyo nakakalungkot nga iyon kasi hindi ko alam kung kailan ulit ako pupunta ng Teletech.
Siyempre si Dondon ang bida sa araw na iyon kasi nga birthday niya. Malungkot ang araw na iyon kahit na dapat masaya kasi nga birthday ni Dondon. Pero di ko pa rin magawang maging kasing saya nilang lahat.
At natapos na ang Teletech life ko sa araw na iyon. Sa birthday ni Dondon.
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Kahapon kasama ko ang eightmiles. Actually five lang kami. Una si Jeff. Hinintay namin si Gracia. Kuwentuhan. Asaran. Tapos dumating na din si Gracia. Ang weird. (Fave word ko na ba ang salitang weird?) Weird kasi dapat tumabi na ako kay Gracia, di ba? Para tuloy magkaibigan lang tuloy kami ng dalawa. Tapos nilibre kami ni Jeff sa Jollibee. It was great to be with them. Parang ako ulit ang sarili ko. Alam mo na di mo kailangan ang magexplain pero naiintindihan ka nila. Alam mo na di ka nagiisa. Masarap ang pakiramdam na ganun.
Tapos dumating na din si Comy matapos ang isang libong taon. Na-shock ako sa nakita kong pilat na nilikha ni Comy sa braso niya na korteng M. Maan ang ibig sabihin nun. Break na kasi sila. Dahil concerned kami sa kanya at sa emotional ordeal niya, mabilis namin siyang sinabihan ng TANGA. Ganyan kami ka-sweet sa isa't-isa. Tapos kuwentuhan na naman. Tawanan. Dun na naman ulit ako nakatawa ng ganun. Yung ang gaan-gaan sa pakiramdam. Na akala mo wala kang ginawang katangahan at bigla ka na lang nagresign. Aaminin ko nabigla din ako sa ginawa ko. Pero alam ko kaya ko ito kasi marami akong kaibigan na laging sumusuporta sa akin. Saka nandiyan din ang family ko na bagamat sukang-suka na sila sa kawirduhan ko e di pa naman ako napapalayas ng bahay. At si God. I'm so blessed kasi He is always with me all my life.
Tapos ng isa pang libong taon ay dumating na rin si Arnel. Mas tumindi ang asaran at kumustahan. Siyempre naglaro kami ng paborito naming laro. Ang spin the bottle. Masaya yun. Sobrang saya. Parang college ulit. Para akong isang lobo. Magaan. Tapos nilibot namin ang maalikabok na lansangan ng Crossing para lang magdecide na kumain kami sa Greenwich na lang. Okay sana kasi libre na naman ako. Kaso habang naghihintay kami sa order namin na dumating, nasanggi ko yung black straw sa baso ko ng softdrink. At wala naman masyadong nangyari. Natapon lang naman yung laman ng puno ko pang baso sa harap ko. Siyempre di naman kami gumawa ng eksena. Sumigaw lang naman si Gracia ng para bang gusto niyang sabihin na HOY TUMINGIN KAYONG LAHAT DITO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahaha, nakakatawa yun. Alam ko napahiya din ako. Tapos alam ko na lahat ay nagtatawanan, yung mga crew, yung guard...wew, iba talaga pagsikat.
Siyempre kahit gaano kasaya ang araw na iyon ay natapos din kasi kelangan na naming umuwi. Bago yun nagCR pa si Comy sa public toilet sa terminal. Isa pang katatawanan yun. Kita ko kung panu di ni Arnel mapigilan na hawakan si Gracia, na kumustahin siya, Gusto ko ngang sabihin na hey nandito lang ako. Masaya. Mahal na mahal ko ang mga kaibigan kong ito. Alam ko mahal din nila ako. Wow, nakakaiyak! Astig!
Nagkasabay pa kami ni Gracia sa Jeep. Pero bago yun sinusundan pa pala ako ni Arnel. Alam ko na may malaking adjustment kaming lahat dapat pagdaanan. Kami ni Gracia, ni Arnel. Kaming tatlo. Pero kapag hinahawakan ko si Gracia, nanginginig ako. Ewan ko. Siguro weird yung feeling. Parang madami akong gustong gawin sa kanya, ehem, parang ang pangit naman ng pagkakasulat ko dito.
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Kanina nung nasa taas ako, sa kuwarto namin sa bahay. Bigla na lang si Papang sumulpot. E may sobrang private akong ginagawa nung mga sandaling iyon. Nahuli niya akong nagbabasa nung Great S*x na libro na tinatago ko. Wew, lupet!
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Wew, miss ko na ang EyeBites. Natutuwa ako kapg nagtetext sila sa akin kahit hindi ako makapagreply. Ingat people!
July 22, 2007 06:34 AM
Pero nakapasok pa din ako sa aquarium. Nandun silang lahat. I gave Etti a big hug. Malaki si Etti kaya big hug. Tapos yun okay naman. Dumiretso na kami kina Ate Ces para nga sa party ni Dondon. Niyaya ko nga si Alex pero di siya puwede. Medyo nakakalungkot nga iyon kasi hindi ko alam kung kailan ulit ako pupunta ng Teletech.
Siyempre si Dondon ang bida sa araw na iyon kasi nga birthday niya. Malungkot ang araw na iyon kahit na dapat masaya kasi nga birthday ni Dondon. Pero di ko pa rin magawang maging kasing saya nilang lahat.
At natapos na ang Teletech life ko sa araw na iyon. Sa birthday ni Dondon.
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Kahapon kasama ko ang eightmiles. Actually five lang kami. Una si Jeff. Hinintay namin si Gracia. Kuwentuhan. Asaran. Tapos dumating na din si Gracia. Ang weird. (Fave word ko na ba ang salitang weird?) Weird kasi dapat tumabi na ako kay Gracia, di ba? Para tuloy magkaibigan lang tuloy kami ng dalawa. Tapos nilibre kami ni Jeff sa Jollibee. It was great to be with them. Parang ako ulit ang sarili ko. Alam mo na di mo kailangan ang magexplain pero naiintindihan ka nila. Alam mo na di ka nagiisa. Masarap ang pakiramdam na ganun.
Tapos dumating na din si Comy matapos ang isang libong taon. Na-shock ako sa nakita kong pilat na nilikha ni Comy sa braso niya na korteng M. Maan ang ibig sabihin nun. Break na kasi sila. Dahil concerned kami sa kanya at sa emotional ordeal niya, mabilis namin siyang sinabihan ng TANGA. Ganyan kami ka-sweet sa isa't-isa. Tapos kuwentuhan na naman. Tawanan. Dun na naman ulit ako nakatawa ng ganun. Yung ang gaan-gaan sa pakiramdam. Na akala mo wala kang ginawang katangahan at bigla ka na lang nagresign. Aaminin ko nabigla din ako sa ginawa ko. Pero alam ko kaya ko ito kasi marami akong kaibigan na laging sumusuporta sa akin. Saka nandiyan din ang family ko na bagamat sukang-suka na sila sa kawirduhan ko e di pa naman ako napapalayas ng bahay. At si God. I'm so blessed kasi He is always with me all my life.
Tapos ng isa pang libong taon ay dumating na rin si Arnel. Mas tumindi ang asaran at kumustahan. Siyempre naglaro kami ng paborito naming laro. Ang spin the bottle. Masaya yun. Sobrang saya. Parang college ulit. Para akong isang lobo. Magaan. Tapos nilibot namin ang maalikabok na lansangan ng Crossing para lang magdecide na kumain kami sa Greenwich na lang. Okay sana kasi libre na naman ako. Kaso habang naghihintay kami sa order namin na dumating, nasanggi ko yung black straw sa baso ko ng softdrink. At wala naman masyadong nangyari. Natapon lang naman yung laman ng puno ko pang baso sa harap ko. Siyempre di naman kami gumawa ng eksena. Sumigaw lang naman si Gracia ng para bang gusto niyang sabihin na HOY TUMINGIN KAYONG LAHAT DITO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahaha, nakakatawa yun. Alam ko napahiya din ako. Tapos alam ko na lahat ay nagtatawanan, yung mga crew, yung guard...wew, iba talaga pagsikat.
Siyempre kahit gaano kasaya ang araw na iyon ay natapos din kasi kelangan na naming umuwi. Bago yun nagCR pa si Comy sa public toilet sa terminal. Isa pang katatawanan yun. Kita ko kung panu di ni Arnel mapigilan na hawakan si Gracia, na kumustahin siya, Gusto ko ngang sabihin na hey nandito lang ako. Masaya. Mahal na mahal ko ang mga kaibigan kong ito. Alam ko mahal din nila ako. Wow, nakakaiyak! Astig!
Nagkasabay pa kami ni Gracia sa Jeep. Pero bago yun sinusundan pa pala ako ni Arnel. Alam ko na may malaking adjustment kaming lahat dapat pagdaanan. Kami ni Gracia, ni Arnel. Kaming tatlo. Pero kapag hinahawakan ko si Gracia, nanginginig ako. Ewan ko. Siguro weird yung feeling. Parang madami akong gustong gawin sa kanya, ehem, parang ang pangit naman ng pagkakasulat ko dito.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kanina nung nasa taas ako, sa kuwarto namin sa bahay. Bigla na lang si Papang sumulpot. E may sobrang private akong ginagawa nung mga sandaling iyon. Nahuli niya akong nagbabasa nung Great S*x na libro na tinatago ko. Wew, lupet!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wew, miss ko na ang EyeBites. Natutuwa ako kapg nagtetext sila sa akin kahit hindi ako makapagreply. Ingat people!
July 22, 2007 06:34 AM
I Miss You
The first Monday is over. It was plain. I was trying to imagine myself being there at this time. I was trying to see them taking calls. I could almost hear Ate Ces's very calm voice with knotted brows. I could hear Etti's flirty mirth. Rodz's Tsee! I could catch the sleeping Amma again. I might be competing against Erlene's call, I could see myself laughing at her long calls. She would sweetly say madaya ako, hehehe. Tita Chyx would comment again on the number of calls I already had. Rodney would make bida na naman about his idol cartoon characters or maybe about his ultimate crush Sitti. Alice would be the same again. Anna would call me to ask some there-you-go-again type of questions considering na ang layo niya sa akin. At siyempre sasagot ako. At gaya ng dati, di siya maniniwala at magtatanong din siya sa iba. At si Docs titingin na naman sa akin na akala mo e nakikita na niya ang underwear ko. Si Annette na didila na naman na parang bata. Tapos may bobong caller na naman ako at hahanapin ko si Dondon. Siyempre magkakataon na wala siya at si David ang tatanungin ko. Tatawa muna ako bago ko masabi ng buo ang problema ng caller ko. Pagnaintindihan ko na at narealize ko na matagal na palang nakahold yung caller, magdarasal ako na sana mainip na yun at mag-hang up na lang yung phone. Tapos mamayamaya maglalakad si Dondon sa floor, "Guys, may meeting tayo mamaya."
Siyempre nandiyan pa rin si Alex. Kahit di ka natatawa, magiging masaya ka kapag nagcomment na siya. Sigurado iho-hold na naman niya yung caller kahit hindi kailangan para uminom ng kapeng barako na may gatas at chocolate. Tapos sasabihin niya na...whatever.
Sigh, parang lalo ko silang nami-miss. Kanina inayos ko yung room namin ng kapatid ko. Nagdikit ako ng mga pictures ko kasama ang EyeBites. Ang lupit. Parang gusto ko magalit sa sarili ko at tanungin ko ulit sarili ko kung bakit ko ginawa yun...bakit di ko hinintay ang December?
Nangyari na ang nangyari. I have to move on. Move on. Move on.
July 16, 2007 12:15 PM
Siyempre nandiyan pa rin si Alex. Kahit di ka natatawa, magiging masaya ka kapag nagcomment na siya. Sigurado iho-hold na naman niya yung caller kahit hindi kailangan para uminom ng kapeng barako na may gatas at chocolate. Tapos sasabihin niya na...whatever.
Sigh, parang lalo ko silang nami-miss. Kanina inayos ko yung room namin ng kapatid ko. Nagdikit ako ng mga pictures ko kasama ang EyeBites. Ang lupit. Parang gusto ko magalit sa sarili ko at tanungin ko ulit sarili ko kung bakit ko ginawa yun...bakit di ko hinintay ang December?
Nangyari na ang nangyari. I have to move on. Move on. Move on.
July 16, 2007 12:15 PM
Back To Square One
Last Thursday I was like a different person. I just found myself feeling lost. I am not sure if it was something about the pressure I felt at home. Why it should be always me? Kasalanan ko ba ang mga nangyayari? Bakit kailangan na ako ang magdala lahat ng kalat nila?(I'm referring to my roots...) I know it was exaggerated but I felt like I was being exploited. I needed to breathe...or I would die.
It was a weird moment. I was walking along the weird streets in Calamba City. There were many people walking along with me but it seemed like I was the only person in the world. I was feeling numbed yet I knew I was tired. Alam mo yung pagod na ako! Yung ayoko na...Bakit kasi laging ako yung bagsakan ng bigat ng bawat bunga ng mga pinaggagawa ninyo?(I'm still talking about my roots...)
I kept on walking. I was thinking what if I would go to work or call the sick hotline. Kainis, I needed to be alone that very moment. I didn't care about the rules. It was about my life. I was so...so...weak. I kept on thinking...thinking of how kind my supervisor Edward was to me, and of how the whole team was so good to me, and of how I was pulling them all down...it was because I was stupid...then I realized how I was starting to love these people so much which I know, each day I stay, the harder it gets to move out.
I was still thinking...then I felt the death-like desire to be alone. I called the sick hotline. I told the guy I was not sick, I was resigning. I stayed in Jollibee. Still numbed. Dead. Dondon called me. I knew he was the only person who would call yet, it didn't register to my brain it was him.
Then the next day I had to be there. I had to pass my resignation letter. It was weird. It was the very first time I was scared to enter the Aquarium. I tried to hide. There, the questions started to pour in like every drop of my sweat from both sides of my temples. It was so sad to say goodbye to everyone. To Dondon who was so supportive and very patient with me; To Alex who was so special to me: To Erlene who was starting to be a good friend to me: To Ate Ces who was always there to encourage me; To Rodz who never failed to give me that sweet smile to tell me I was important; To Annette who was my friend; To David; To Nel; To Rose; To Etti; And to the rest of the team.
But Dondon was so kind to give me another chance to change my mind. It was as if he could understand my Ginger Allergy. He tried to spend more time with me even though I knew that he was tired and all that he wanted to do that time was to sleep. He wanted to show me that he cared about me like the rest of our team. That I was his friend. That I was important. That I could still do good somehow.
To be very honest, I was tempted to change my mind. I was tempted to stay. But it was harder to say that, especially to him. It was like, hey we all know!
The scariest part was when I was home and thinking if I would send him a message saying, hey, I'm staying...No, that was stupid. I know it would be always like this. Always like this. So why not now? Besides, the more days pass, the harder it feels to quit.
Now, I feel like dreaming. Like I just had a bad dream. That I would still wake up and tell myself I have to move quickly or Dondon would be disappointed because I'm late again.
I miss them. Feels like the college graduation.
I am desperately in need of someone to talk to. I am disappointed with Jae Em and my other HS friends except Carmi who invited me to give it a try at INFONXX. I said, Oooops call center na naman? I was touched by the text message from Comy. I was surprised that he could feel something was wrong with me, even though I never told any of the eightmiles about it. And Gracia remains supportive as always. She even called me this early afternoon to comfort me. I was happy.
Now, I don't know yet what would I do. I feel like I just made the biggest mistake so far. I only have P600.00. Don't know how will I survive. But I know I will.
July 15, 2007 01:58 AM
It was a weird moment. I was walking along the weird streets in Calamba City. There were many people walking along with me but it seemed like I was the only person in the world. I was feeling numbed yet I knew I was tired. Alam mo yung pagod na ako! Yung ayoko na...Bakit kasi laging ako yung bagsakan ng bigat ng bawat bunga ng mga pinaggagawa ninyo?(I'm still talking about my roots...)
I kept on walking. I was thinking what if I would go to work or call the sick hotline. Kainis, I needed to be alone that very moment. I didn't care about the rules. It was about my life. I was so...so...weak. I kept on thinking...thinking of how kind my supervisor Edward was to me, and of how the whole team was so good to me, and of how I was pulling them all down...it was because I was stupid...then I realized how I was starting to love these people so much which I know, each day I stay, the harder it gets to move out.
I was still thinking...then I felt the death-like desire to be alone. I called the sick hotline. I told the guy I was not sick, I was resigning. I stayed in Jollibee. Still numbed. Dead. Dondon called me. I knew he was the only person who would call yet, it didn't register to my brain it was him.
Then the next day I had to be there. I had to pass my resignation letter. It was weird. It was the very first time I was scared to enter the Aquarium. I tried to hide. There, the questions started to pour in like every drop of my sweat from both sides of my temples. It was so sad to say goodbye to everyone. To Dondon who was so supportive and very patient with me; To Alex who was so special to me: To Erlene who was starting to be a good friend to me: To Ate Ces who was always there to encourage me; To Rodz who never failed to give me that sweet smile to tell me I was important; To Annette who was my friend; To David; To Nel; To Rose; To Etti; And to the rest of the team.
But Dondon was so kind to give me another chance to change my mind. It was as if he could understand my Ginger Allergy. He tried to spend more time with me even though I knew that he was tired and all that he wanted to do that time was to sleep. He wanted to show me that he cared about me like the rest of our team. That I was his friend. That I was important. That I could still do good somehow.
To be very honest, I was tempted to change my mind. I was tempted to stay. But it was harder to say that, especially to him. It was like, hey we all know!
The scariest part was when I was home and thinking if I would send him a message saying, hey, I'm staying...No, that was stupid. I know it would be always like this. Always like this. So why not now? Besides, the more days pass, the harder it feels to quit.
Now, I feel like dreaming. Like I just had a bad dream. That I would still wake up and tell myself I have to move quickly or Dondon would be disappointed because I'm late again.
I miss them. Feels like the college graduation.
I am desperately in need of someone to talk to. I am disappointed with Jae Em and my other HS friends except Carmi who invited me to give it a try at INFONXX. I said, Oooops call center na naman? I was touched by the text message from Comy. I was surprised that he could feel something was wrong with me, even though I never told any of the eightmiles about it. And Gracia remains supportive as always. She even called me this early afternoon to comfort me. I was happy.
Now, I don't know yet what would I do. I feel like I just made the biggest mistake so far. I only have P600.00. Don't know how will I survive. But I know I will.
July 15, 2007 01:58 AM
My Resignation Letter
Fernand P. Agor
(F) Visaya St. Spring Homes,
Bucal,CalambaCity, Laguna
09153772047/ 09214513482
zeik_nan337@yahoo.com
July 13, 2007
EDWARD S. SARMIENTO
Team Leader
Teletech Robinsons' Place-Lipa
Lipa City, Batangas
Sir:
I would like to inform you that I am resigning from my position as Customer Service Representative for the Dental and Vision UHG account, effective July 13.
Thank you for the support and the opportunities that you have provided me during the last eight months. I have enjoyed my tenure with the company. I really appreciate all the people that I had worked with. I am planning to pursue my dream of becoming a writer. Whatever happens, I will always keep all the learning experiences and the wonderful time I spent with the team.
If I can be of any assistance during this transition, please let me know. I would be glad to help however I can.
Respectfully yours,
Fernand P. Agor
July 12, 2007 08:37 AM
(F) Visaya St. Spring Homes,
Bucal,CalambaCity, Laguna
09153772047/ 09214513482
zeik_nan337@yahoo.com
July 13, 2007
EDWARD S. SARMIENTO
Team Leader
Teletech Robinsons' Place-Lipa
Lipa City, Batangas
Sir:
I would like to inform you that I am resigning from my position as Customer Service Representative for the Dental and Vision UHG account, effective July 13.
Thank you for the support and the opportunities that you have provided me during the last eight months. I have enjoyed my tenure with the company. I really appreciate all the people that I had worked with. I am planning to pursue my dream of becoming a writer. Whatever happens, I will always keep all the learning experiences and the wonderful time I spent with the team.
If I can be of any assistance during this transition, please let me know. I would be glad to help however I can.
Respectfully yours,
Fernand P. Agor
July 12, 2007 08:37 AM
Lord, Lead Me On
Imagine Me Without You
by Jaci Velasquez
As long as stars shine down from heaven
And the rivers run into the sea
'Til the end of time, forever
You're the only love I'll need
In my life, you're all that matters
In my eyes, the only truth I see
When my hopes and dreams have shattered
You're the one that's there for me
When I found you I was blessed
And I will never leave you
I need you
Chorus:
Imagine me without you
I'd be lost and so confused
I wouldn't last a day
I'd be afraid without you there to see me through
Imagine me without you
Lord, you know it's just impossible
Because of you
It's all brand new
My life is now worth while
I can't imagine me without you
When you caught me I was falling
Your love lifted me back on my feet
It was like you heard my calling
And you rushed to set me free
When I found you I was blessed
And I will never leave you
I need you
When I found you I was blessed
And I will never leave you
I need you
Chorus
I can't imagine me without you.
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This song reminds me of how helpless I am without God to show me how to believe in my dreams. I am thankful I am not alone. Never will be alone.
July 12, 2007 06:59 AM
by Jaci Velasquez
As long as stars shine down from heaven
And the rivers run into the sea
'Til the end of time, forever
You're the only love I'll need
In my life, you're all that matters
In my eyes, the only truth I see
When my hopes and dreams have shattered
You're the one that's there for me
When I found you I was blessed
And I will never leave you
I need you
Chorus:
Imagine me without you
I'd be lost and so confused
I wouldn't last a day
I'd be afraid without you there to see me through
Imagine me without you
Lord, you know it's just impossible
Because of you
It's all brand new
My life is now worth while
I can't imagine me without you
When you caught me I was falling
Your love lifted me back on my feet
It was like you heard my calling
And you rushed to set me free
When I found you I was blessed
And I will never leave you
I need you
When I found you I was blessed
And I will never leave you
I need you
Chorus
I can't imagine me without you.
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This song reminds me of how helpless I am without God to show me how to believe in my dreams. I am thankful I am not alone. Never will be alone.
July 12, 2007 06:59 AM
Lois And Clark
You And I
High above the mountains, far across the sea
I can hear your voice calling out to me
Brighter than the sun and darker than the night
I can see your love shining like a light
And on and on this earth spins like a carousel
If I could travel across the world
The secrets I would tell[
Chorus:]
You and I
Were meant to fly
Higher than the clouds
We'll sail across the sky
So come with me
And you will feel
That we're soaring
That we're floating up so high
'Cause you and I were meant to fly
Sailing like a bird high on the wings of love
Take me higher than all the stars above
I'm burning, yearning
Gently turning round and round
I'm always rising up I never
Want to come back down
[Chorus]
Fly
You and I
Were meant to fly
Higher than the clouds
We'll sail across the sky
So come with me
And you will feel
That you and I were meant to fly
You and I were meant to fly
June 27, 2007 05:37 PM
High above the mountains, far across the sea
I can hear your voice calling out to me
Brighter than the sun and darker than the night
I can see your love shining like a light
And on and on this earth spins like a carousel
If I could travel across the world
The secrets I would tell[
Chorus:]
You and I
Were meant to fly
Higher than the clouds
We'll sail across the sky
So come with me
And you will feel
That we're soaring
That we're floating up so high
'Cause you and I were meant to fly
Sailing like a bird high on the wings of love
Take me higher than all the stars above
I'm burning, yearning
Gently turning round and round
I'm always rising up I never
Want to come back down
[Chorus]
Fly
You and I
Were meant to fly
Higher than the clouds
We'll sail across the sky
So come with me
And you will feel
That you and I were meant to fly
You and I were meant to fly
June 27, 2007 05:37 PM
My E-Mail To Gracia
Hello. Marami sana akong sasabihin sayo tungkol sa mga nakaraang araw mula nung mawalan ng signal ang cp ko. Pero may biglang nangyari. At iyon muna ang gusto kong ikuwento sayo. Kagabi mga 30 minutes siguro nasa work na ako. Napaaga ako talaga. Bago kasi ako umalis ng bahay ay kinausap ako ni Papa. Tagilid na naman ang trabaho niya. Lagi na lang iyon nangyayari. Pakiramdam ko ay hostage ulit ako. Di ako puwede gumawa ng desisyon ng hindi iisipin ang pamilya namin - na naman.Nang nasa work na nga ako, nalaman ko kay Anna na may kasalanan daw ako na na-monitor ng San Antonio. Kinabahan ako kahit paano. Pero hinahanda ko na ang sarili ko sa anumang mangyayari. Iniisip ko na last day ko na kanina sa Teletech. Mabuti na iyong handa para kahit paano ay hindi gaoon kahirap tanggapin, di ba? Pero ang hirap magkunwari. Alam ko apektado na agad ako. Nahirapan ako sa mga una kong calls. Pinapanatag lang ni Rhodz yung pakiramdam ko. Salamat nga sa kanya. Kahit paano ay nawawala sa isip ko yung puwedeng mangyari. Okay naman ang buong shift. Nakasabay ko si Alex sa lunch. Natulog pa ako kahit thirty minutes lang. Pagkatapos ng shift, kinausap na ako ni Dondon. Sabi niya kailangan ko daw e magsama ng kaibigan, baka di ko daw kayanin. Lalo akong kinakabahan. Ang weird ng feeling. Pakiramdam ko tapos na. Paano ko kaya sasabihin kay Papa na hindi ko sinasadya ito. Kinausap ko si Erlene kung puwede siya ang tumayong kaibigan ko. Ang feeling ko nun e terminated na ako. Tanggap ko na. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, may kasalanan naman talaga ako.Nung una nandoon pa sila Nel, David, mga TLs, at pati si Etty. Sinusubukan ko maging relaxed lang. Dapat di ako kabahan kasi ito naman talaga ang hinihiling ko, ang makaalis, di ba? Pero sa pagkakataong iyon, parang ayoko pa. Parang nanghihinayang ako sa maaring mawala sa akin. Hangang sa kami na lang nila Edward at Erlene ang naiwan. Naging seryoso na si Dondon. Ngumingiti lang ako pero alam ko na hindi ako okay. Inisa-isa ni Don-don lahat ng kasalanan ko. Guilty ako doon sa iba. Pero ang daming unfair na facts, gusto ko idipensa ang sarili ko, pero parang wala na ring saysay. Sabi ko, okay heto pala ang magiging ending. Mas okay pa pala ang exit ni Allen. Malinis. Walang masamang iniisip sayo.Nakaramdam din ako ng galit noon, kasi mahilig akong magbiro kapag may nagtatanong sa kin kung ano ang dapat gawin, sabi ko, i-release mo na lang yang call. Tapos tatawa ako. Minsan nga sinasabi ko pa na masarap sa feeling ang gawin iyon. Hindi ko naman akalain na ang iniisip ng lahat ay gingawa ko nga lahat iyon. Ang natatandaan ko lang na nagrelease ako ng call ay nung unang beses ako nagka-lbm. Tapos may nagsasabi pa daw na nakikipagunahan daw ako sa iba. Kunyari seventy lang yung calls ko, tapos yung iba ay more than hundred na, bigla na lang daw ako nakakahabol. Lihim ako natawa doon. Sino kaya ang OA na nagkuwento noon. Kung toto na seventy yung calls ko at hundred yung kanila, ang gagawin ko lang dapat ay magrelease ng maraming calls. At hindi ko iyon ginagawa. Wala nga akong pakialam sa AHT. Kaya lang bumaba ang AHT ko ngayon kasi hindi ko na hinahayaan na i-hold ako ng matagal, yun din kasi ang payo sa kin ni Dondon. Dati kasi kahit gaano katagal eh hindi ko niri-release yung call hangang sa matapos na yung call. Hindi ako nagiisip ng masama sa kahit kaninong ka-team ko. Sinabi ko na sa iyo na mahal ko bawat isa sa kanila. Pero ang lungkot isipin na may iba pala ang turing sa akin. Dito ako sobrang nadisappoint. Ayokong malaman kung sino, baka kasi yung pinaka tinuturing ko na kaibigan pa pala ang gumawa noon. Alam mo naman na mahina ako emotionally. Madali akong ma-upset. Hindi ko na maalala mga nasabi ko kanina. Nung tinatanong ako ni Dondon kung gusto ko na ba magresign, iniisip ko kung iyon ba talaga ang gusto niya, ang magresign na ako kasi nagsasawa na siya sa akin. Pero hindi ganoon ang tingin ko sa kanya. Sa tototo lang dapat matagal na niya iyong ginawa. Oo, guilty ako sa system down spiel. Nakakatawa kasi parang ako lang talaga ang gumawa nun, ayoko naman sabihin kung sino yung iba na gumagawa noon.
Hindi ko pinagtatanggol ang sarili ko dito. Nilalabas ko lang yung nasa loob ko. Hindi ako okay. Kailangan ko ba na magpanggap na okay pa ako after nun? Hindi ko na alam kung sino yung puwede kong biruin at hindi. Pero pinili ko pa ring mag-stay, at hindi ko pa rin pinili na magpalit ng team.
Ewan ko kung ano ang mangyayari mamaya. Bahala na. Siguro tatawa pa rin ako. Ayoko naman dahil sa akin ay hindi na maging maayos mga buhay namin.
Part lang ito ng buhay, ng paglago, at pagkatuto. Sana nga may natutuhan ako, ta sana hindi lang ako.
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Wala ako inisip ngayon kundi yung goal ko. Wala akong inisip na eightmiles o Jae Em o Ramon. Kung kaya nila ako isantabi at kalimutan, mas kaya ko.
, Lois, okay lang ako. Huwag ka mag-alala. Sana nga nandito ka para kahit di ako magsalita, alma ko naririnig mo ako, at nauunawaan.
Iniisip nga kita sa buong panahon na nangyayari ito. Alam ko magbabago ang ibang tao sa akin, kahit yung pinaka mahalaga sa akin, pero alam ko hindi ikaw. Salamat.
June 25, 2007 05:57 PM
Hindi ko pinagtatanggol ang sarili ko dito. Nilalabas ko lang yung nasa loob ko. Hindi ako okay. Kailangan ko ba na magpanggap na okay pa ako after nun? Hindi ko na alam kung sino yung puwede kong biruin at hindi. Pero pinili ko pa ring mag-stay, at hindi ko pa rin pinili na magpalit ng team.
Ewan ko kung ano ang mangyayari mamaya. Bahala na. Siguro tatawa pa rin ako. Ayoko naman dahil sa akin ay hindi na maging maayos mga buhay namin.
Part lang ito ng buhay, ng paglago, at pagkatuto. Sana nga may natutuhan ako, ta sana hindi lang ako.
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Wala ako inisip ngayon kundi yung goal ko. Wala akong inisip na eightmiles o Jae Em o Ramon. Kung kaya nila ako isantabi at kalimutan, mas kaya ko.
Iniisip nga kita sa buong panahon na nangyayari ito. Alam ko magbabago ang ibang tao sa akin, kahit yung pinaka mahalaga sa akin, pero alam ko hindi ikaw. Salamat.
June 25, 2007 05:57 PM
Okay But Lazy
I am okay so far. But last night, I was too lazy to get ready for work. I was not thinking of being absent again that day, but I was not that happy at all. Yesterday I was reading Bob Ong's Bakit Baligtad I was so upset after just reading the half of the book. It was funny. I even laughed at myself to find myself getting affected by just what I had read. But it was the way it was. I was affected and, to some point, I felt like losing my hope for my fellow Filipinos. I tried to counter the negative feeling with Veronika Decides To Die by Paolo Coelho. It was a nice book. I like the way he writes.
I was imagining Gracia with me. I knew what she would say. Sigh, sometimes it feels creepy to have someone who knows you so much aside from your biological mother. It makes me smile. I always think of what she is doing by then, or by this very moment while I am writing this post. I haven't been texting her after the last time we met for the purple lamp. I know we are just fine.
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Now I am thinking of eightmiles. I think we are now really growing apart. I mean, nasasanay na kami na wala ang bawat isa. Sometimes it scares me kasi when I make friends, I take them as my responsibility and as my treasure for the rest of my life. I am always loyal. No mistakes or pain could stop me from becoming their friend. And it takes more pain, laughs!
Nandiyan yung kaya kang ipagpalit sa iba, o kaya they just take you for granted, yun bang pag wala ng choice, "sige na nga, si Fernand na lang."
Well, I am okay. Medyo busy ako sa pag-iisip ngayon ng isususlat. May contest kasi kami ni Alex. Unang requirement ay dapat mabanggit ang salitang asin ng tatlong beses sa una at huling sentence sa buong story. Until now, wala pa ako nasisimulan.
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At si R**** naman, magpapakamatay na naman daw. Hay, nakakasawa na mga ganyang balita. Sabi ko nga kay J** na ayoko na makarinig ng mga salitang LOSER, GET LOST, sayang lang ang ganda ng buhay ko. At alam ko affected yung isa. Malalaki na sila. Tingin ko naman ay nagawa ko na yung dapat kong gawin. I let them go. Well, baka next week mag-start na ako sa Victory Church. O dear God, please let it happen!
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Fathers's Day ngayon. Di ko alam kung dapat ba sabihin ko sa biological father ko na Happy Fathers's Day kahit na hindi naman siya naging tatay talaga sa akin, di ba? Si Papa naman, di ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin. Medyo maramdamin na nga siya ngayon. Ang tawag doon ni Nicalyn eh middle age crisis yata. Basta, parang ganun.
Bahala na.
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Hay, kelan kaya yung hinihintay kong break darating? Mamaya? Bukas? Next week? Sana huwag naman sobrang tagal.
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Love ko si God!
June 16, 2007 05:20 PM
I was imagining Gracia with me. I knew what she would say. Sigh, sometimes it feels creepy to have someone who knows you so much aside from your biological mother. It makes me smile. I always think of what she is doing by then, or by this very moment while I am writing this post. I haven't been texting her after the last time we met for the purple lamp. I know we are just fine.
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Now I am thinking of eightmiles. I think we are now really growing apart. I mean, nasasanay na kami na wala ang bawat isa. Sometimes it scares me kasi when I make friends, I take them as my responsibility and as my treasure for the rest of my life. I am always loyal. No mistakes or pain could stop me from becoming their friend. And it takes more pain, laughs!
Nandiyan yung kaya kang ipagpalit sa iba, o kaya they just take you for granted, yun bang pag wala ng choice, "sige na nga, si Fernand na lang."
Well, I am okay. Medyo busy ako sa pag-iisip ngayon ng isususlat. May contest kasi kami ni Alex. Unang requirement ay dapat mabanggit ang salitang asin ng tatlong beses sa una at huling sentence sa buong story. Until now, wala pa ako nasisimulan.
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At si R**** naman, magpapakamatay na naman daw. Hay, nakakasawa na mga ganyang balita. Sabi ko nga kay J** na ayoko na makarinig ng mga salitang LOSER, GET LOST, sayang lang ang ganda ng buhay ko. At alam ko affected yung isa. Malalaki na sila. Tingin ko naman ay nagawa ko na yung dapat kong gawin. I let them go. Well, baka next week mag-start na ako sa Victory Church. O dear God, please let it happen!
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Fathers's Day ngayon. Di ko alam kung dapat ba sabihin ko sa biological father ko na Happy Fathers's Day kahit na hindi naman siya naging tatay talaga sa akin, di ba? Si Papa naman, di ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin. Medyo maramdamin na nga siya ngayon. Ang tawag doon ni Nicalyn eh middle age crisis yata. Basta, parang ganun.
Bahala na.
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Hay, kelan kaya yung hinihintay kong break darating? Mamaya? Bukas? Next week? Sana huwag naman sobrang tagal.
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Love ko si God!
June 16, 2007 05:20 PM
Just Starting!
It is so funny to find myself now so busy and starting to get involved with the EyeBites. In the beginning of this week, everything was so give-me-a-break-! kind of thing. Last Monday was okay. I had arranged to meet Gracia in Tanauan City after my shift which was before she went to work.
So that was Tuesday. It was one of the most recent shining days in my life. Then I had to go to work around six in the afternoon. When I was in the bus, I was texting Gracia. We were like little kids. It was fun. I was looking up to the sky by the window. I felt like flying. Like God was lifting my soul. It was the best feeling I had right after I had my Ginger Allergy attack last couple of months.
When I arrived at TeleTech, and no one was there. I was hungry so I went to the pantry and satisfied myself with, ehem, two orders of Palabok. Ramon was texting me that time. He was so mad at me. If he could kill me through the text messages he was sending me during that time, I died by then. I wanted to fight back because I did not mean any bad thing in every word I said in my reaction to his post. I was trying to be his friend. I really do understand him. Kala lang niya hindi. It makes me feel so sad knowing he thinks I am trying to destroy him.
Well, I was too busy to mind him. We were decorating the floor. It was fun! I really love what I have now. I am thankful to all those people who never give up on me. I always pray to God that He keeps you all safe and blessed.
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Alex is really nice. More bonding moments pa sana. She is cool, smart, and we share the same passion.
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To Gracia, 'love you, Lois.
June 14, 2007 07:44 PM
So that was Tuesday. It was one of the most recent shining days in my life. Then I had to go to work around six in the afternoon. When I was in the bus, I was texting Gracia. We were like little kids. It was fun. I was looking up to the sky by the window. I felt like flying. Like God was lifting my soul. It was the best feeling I had right after I had my Ginger Allergy attack last couple of months.
When I arrived at TeleTech, and no one was there. I was hungry so I went to the pantry and satisfied myself with, ehem, two orders of Palabok. Ramon was texting me that time. He was so mad at me. If he could kill me through the text messages he was sending me during that time, I died by then. I wanted to fight back because I did not mean any bad thing in every word I said in my reaction to his post. I was trying to be his friend. I really do understand him. Kala lang niya hindi. It makes me feel so sad knowing he thinks I am trying to destroy him.
Well, I was too busy to mind him. We were decorating the floor. It was fun! I really love what I have now. I am thankful to all those people who never give up on me. I always pray to God that He keeps you all safe and blessed.
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Alex is really nice. More bonding moments pa sana. She is cool, smart, and we share the same passion.
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To Gracia, 'love you, Lois.
June 14, 2007 07:44 PM
Here There And Everywhere
I was with Gracia so early this morning. I gave her the purple lamp. It symbolizes her being one the instruments of God who gives light to my ginger-allergic life before. I am happy. Really happy. It sometimes feels stupid but it makes me feel so good as well. She was beautiful today. I mean, she was glowing today. I was thinking that I had affected her mood these past weeks as well. It made me feel guilty but I am okay now. We are okay now.
I had visited an old friend with Jae Em last Sunday. She had three kids now. Despite the condition she is now in, she is still beautiful. But, within me, I am feeling sorry for her because of the kind of life she is in now. I can't explain things here. But I know she deserves a lot more than what she has now.
Gracia has a new favorite song. It's the title of this post, Here There and Everywhere by Celine Dion. It is beautiful. But when I was listening to my favorite song, You and I by Celine, something within me grows strong and wants to fly with the song. I know there is more in my life. I hope I will not lose my will again. It was so stupid to let yourself being driven by what other people do in their lives.
I am lucky because I have the best people I always have in the past years of my life - eightmiles and Jae Em. Plus Don-don and the rest of the EyeBites. I have my family and other friends. I have myself and my dreams. And most of all, I have God. My Superhero. My Savior. My beautiful most loving God.
June 11, 2007 06:27 PM
I had visited an old friend with Jae Em last Sunday. She had three kids now. Despite the condition she is now in, she is still beautiful. But, within me, I am feeling sorry for her because of the kind of life she is in now. I can't explain things here. But I know she deserves a lot more than what she has now.
Gracia has a new favorite song. It's the title of this post, Here There and Everywhere by Celine Dion. It is beautiful. But when I was listening to my favorite song, You and I by Celine, something within me grows strong and wants to fly with the song. I know there is more in my life. I hope I will not lose my will again. It was so stupid to let yourself being driven by what other people do in their lives.
I am lucky because I have the best people I always have in the past years of my life - eightmiles and Jae Em. Plus Don-don and the rest of the EyeBites. I have my family and other friends. I have myself and my dreams. And most of all, I have God. My Superhero. My Savior. My beautiful most loving God.
June 11, 2007 06:27 PM
No More Ginger Allergy
I was with Arnel an hour ago in Walter Mart. We just met along the way. It was nice to see a friend unexpectedly. We just bought some damit and we ate in Red Ribbon. Wala lang. Konting kuwento. Masaya naman.
Kanina, before I went home, I sent a text message to Chris, I sent her 'little' money. I was so happy that I kept praying and thanking God for letting this beautiful thing to happen. I informed Gracia about it, I wanted to share with her the wonderful feeling I was feeling that moment. God is so good.
Finally I am finding the joy of encouragement with all the people I have, my friends and my team mates. I am happy and so blessed because I have a wonderful supervisor. He is so good to me. He is so patient, so understanding, and so supportive. I am lucky to be working with him.
Now I am fine. I think my Ginger Allergy is finally over. And just today, Alex sent me a text message saying that she wanted to write. Then I offered a game to her. We are going to have a writing contest until June 28, her birthday. I think it will be fun and exciting.
June 6, 2007 05:46 AM
Kanina, before I went home, I sent a text message to Chris, I sent her 'little' money. I was so happy that I kept praying and thanking God for letting this beautiful thing to happen. I informed Gracia about it, I wanted to share with her the wonderful feeling I was feeling that moment. God is so good.
Finally I am finding the joy of encouragement with all the people I have, my friends and my team mates. I am happy and so blessed because I have a wonderful supervisor. He is so good to me. He is so patient, so understanding, and so supportive. I am lucky to be working with him.
Now I am fine. I think my Ginger Allergy is finally over. And just today, Alex sent me a text message saying that she wanted to write. Then I offered a game to her. We are going to have a writing contest until June 28, her birthday. I think it will be fun and exciting.
June 6, 2007 05:46 AM
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