Disturbed

I feel so alone today. I had thought of many people, rather my friends, whom I was thinking of inviting out. I don't know. I am thinking, thinking more now. Why things like this should happen? I thought everything was just starting out fine, so much fine actually. I just realized how lies could change people, could destroy everything you had. It's painful. I really appreaciate Ania. She is really honest. I like that so much about her. She doesn't hide her feelings. She is true to whatever she thinks is right. I can't blame her. Many times before, after that Sunday, to talk to her, actually not to her but to all the people I was badmouthed with. These people are piling up. Wow! And it makes me feel really sad. But I decided not to tell her anything anymore. What for? Besides I had already been judged. And knowing the wrong news is spreading really fast, thinking about the don't-tell-anyone, I'm wondering where the news is really coming from? Why it should happen? Is it to destroy my credibility so no one will care to listen to the truth I know? I don't care. I really don't care. No, I am lying. Of course I care. I care a lot. It is me who is being destroyed. It is me who is really suffering for something I only participated in. Whenever these people find out about the truth, and when they finally realize how stupid they had been, I hope they would never bother to say sorry to me, because I won't forgive...at least not that easy. It hurts a lot when everyone judges you for something they only heard from someone pretending to be asleep throughout those three courses. Everytime I walk in the hallway, anywhere at InfoNXX, I don't know how many people now are thinking bad about me. I pity those people. I am getting angry now. Really angry. Oh God, I don't know what to do! I am feeling hate now. So much hate. I don't want this. But it is here, growing in me. Why they should be like that? Don't they have their own will? I am so tired. Really tired.Not only my new found friends are losing, but 8miles as well. I know Gracia hates me now. Well, she has the right in all the world to feel all the hate she wants to feel for me. Com'on! Who else wants to hate me? Come on, hate me then! I hope I won't do something really crazy if I get really disturbed.Lord God, don't leave me. I feel safe with You. I feel protected. Feel understood. I don't have to explain to You, I know you understand, I know You believe me. Thank You for showing me who are my real few friends. And thank You for many more other things You had given me, and still giving me. I love You. I really love You. If this is Your way to teach me something, I would accept it. Take care of my family, take care of my real friends, take care of all of them. And please take care of me.